How to Make a Blomelet: Do Not Add Water

This entry is the first egg in a blog omelet, a “blomelet” if you will. A common phrase in our tempestuous and whimsical (tempestical? Hmmm, not sure about that one) is “you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” One typically says this when he/she has to do something unpleasant to achieve some favorable result. In the case of the egg, the egg is broken – this is bad because there’s no going back, that egg is going to get cooked or will need to be thrown out. There’s also a chance for foodborne illness, a sad hen mourning the loss of another unfertilized embryo, and so on. The upshot to all this heartbreak is the savory omelet that will result.

That said, let me be the coiner of a new phrase – “you can’t make a blomelet without writing some suckass posts.”

That said, what you are reading is not the “blomelet”, but rather a suckass post that will serve as a sacrifice to the savory “blomelet”.

That said, I’ll be upfront – I’m out of practice, so this post will suck major ass, I need to shake the dust off. Again I say, you can’t make a blomelet without writing some suckass posts. How many suckass posts does it take to make a blomelet? Beats me.

That said, I will start this suckass post in earnest. Let me start by apologizing for this post and the dearth and sporadic publication of the last few entries. Moreover, I apologize for the lack of topical continuity. Part of the problem was all the squirrels and shiny things that distracted me from the purpose of this blog – to chronicle my “injourney”. To put that into perspective, my last entry was titled “Follower Analysis…and Some Hotdogs” and before that “The New Ramtha: a Short Story by JL Wilson – Read and Vote Please“. The former had to do with gaining my 100th follower, the latter was a short story I entered into a short story contest. Consistent I amn’t (why not? It works and you know it does). There was a time, in the long, long ago that I updated this blog weekly, I want to do AT LEAST that.

That said, this is my pledge to me that, henceforth, I will regularly contribute to this blog and the content will be topically relevant.
That said, I think it’s time for some fun facts, new and old, about Jarrett –

1. That said, here is the first fact – my injourney started about nine years ago when a number of factors, not least of which was a congenital malformation in my brainstem, caused a brain hemorrhage, festooning the Pons portion of my brainstem with blood.

a. That said, here’s a supporting fact for the first fact – much the same as water is toxic to the wicked witch, so blood is to neurons.

b. That said, here is a fact that further explains the first supporting fact of the first fact – how did the witch go so long without touching water? Did she bathe in her own spit or something? Yuck!

c. That said, I digress.

2. That said, here is the second fact – the episode described above with the blood, neurons and malignant female wizards caused a number of issues and disabilities that are still with me today.

3. That said, here is the third fact – I opted to have surgery to remove the cause of the hemorrhage to prevent future eruptions.

4. That said, here is the fourth fact – these two occurrences (the hemorrhage and surgery) have set me upon a lifelong “brain injourney”.

a. That said, here’s a supporting fact for the fourth fact – “brain injourney” is a clever portmanteau of “brain injury” and “journey”.

5. That said, here is the fifth fact – this blog is gluten-free. Eggs don’t contain gluten and neither do suckass blog posts.

a. That said, here is a supporting fact for the fifth fact – seriously, food manufacturers, the “gluten-free” labeling is getting ridiculous. I’ve seen it proudly stamped on a few products that are leagues away from gluten – I can’t remember any right now, but I’ll get back to you. It’s on the order of a peanut butter advertising that it’s “alcohol-free”.

b. That said, here is a fact that further explains the first supporting fact of the fifth fact – Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye, barley and other grains. Gluten is composed of two proteins, Gliadin, and glutenin. In the presence of water, this rascally duo conspires to form gluten. Gluten is what makes dough “doughy” and elastic. Some unfortunate souls cannot digest gluten properly, causing it to get stuck at various points along the gastrointestinal tract and bio-terrorize from the inside out (excessive gas, upset stomach, diarrhea, etc.).

c. That said, this is the last fact related to gluten, I’ll revisit this at a later date, it is a topic far too big for a few facts.

d. That said, here is a fact that further explains the second supporting fact for the fifth fact and connects it to the first supporting fact of the first fact and thus brings us full circle – water is a menace. It’s out there creating proteins that are indigestible, and cause some to experience gastrointestinal horrors just shy of an alien popping out of the belly. On top of that, it’s mercilessly killing the “wicked” witches (how wicked can one truly be when surrounded by cute little monkeys?) And if M. Night Shyamalamadingdong is to be believed, it’s lethal for space invaders as well.

The Wicked Egg of the Wheat Protein
“How about a little gluten, Scarecrow?”

e. That said, here is a summary of water’s transgressions –

i. It’s potentially harmful to humans
ii. It’s no friend to supernatural beings
iii. It’s a fine howdy-doo to our visitors from the stars. Think of it like having guests from another country and serving them acid to drink

That said, I will wrap this up – Indeed, this entry sucks major ass, and I both love and hate it. Here’s to a scrumptious, gluten-free blomelet! I welcome your comments, they are the little flakes of cheese that will add much-needed flavor to this culinary literature (liculinature?)

That said, the phrase “that said” occurs 23 times in this post (including the previous two)

That said (24), FIN

That said (25), @JarrettLWilson

Excavation of the Psyche or a Haircut?

Hello, internet!

As an aspiring writer, I find myself looking for connections and metaphors in the profane dribble of everyday life. Is their actually something there? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. As WI Thomas once said and I’ve since parroted roughly 16,852 times, “What we perceive to be real is real in its consequences” – that’s more of an approximation of what he said, but the profundity of the message is retained. I come to you today, the internet, with such a scenario.

Recently, thanks to the influence of time and human physiology, my hair reached critical volume, taking on dense, yet small objects as satellites (batteries, nails, die cast cars and planes, etc.). Therefore, I sought a haircut.

 

The details of the cut itself are unimportant. Suffice it to say that it was my stylist was a very pleasant woman named…uhh, I forgot. She and I discussed the bleak conditions of public education opportunity in our proximity.

 

The important thing here is this –

Picture 46

That is the scar from when a dark wizard tried to ki…wait that wasn’t me… this scar is from September of 2009 when a guy sawed into my skull and removed a lesion from my brainstem.

 

Here I am, nearly nine years later still going on about it.

 

That’s what that scar is. A timeline. Along its path are regrets – missed opportunities, divorce, unfulfilled professional and personal goals. But, here and there is found a ray of hope – a daughter with boundless virtue, an unwritten future taking shape before my eyes, greater understanding of myself and what it is to be human than I ever thought possible.

 

I think I’ve arrived at the significance – Nothing is what it seems. My stylist thought she was just giving me a haircut when she was actually exposing an artifact of a life never dreamed of, but very real. You might say she’s an archaeologist of the soul.

 

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

The More You Know…

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’ve started substitute teaching. You probably remember crusty, old geezers teaching your class when one of your teachers was gone. These fossils were fond of telling students that they don’t know what hard work is, that they had to recite the pledge of allegiance in Greek and had to learn math with an abacus.

 

Whatever the case, there was always the assumption that, like teaching vampires who only came out during the school day, subs didn’t have an everyday normal life; when the school day was over they’d retreat to the school basement to read the textbooks for enjoyment before using them as a bed to sleep on until they were called to action again.

 

My point is that, with a single day substitute, there isn’t really a chance to get to know the sub.

 

I typically sub at the school where I once taught and assisted librarily, so I know most of the teachers and they know of my condition. Given enough notice, I’ll offer to give a presentation to the kiddos about me. This way the teacher doesn’t have to prepare as much and the students get first-hand knowledge of why I am the way I am. I’ve posted a version of this presentation before (LINK), but it was a raggedy old PowerPoint.

 

AND THEN…last summer – I went to a writer’s conference to pitch my memoir. I wanted to stand out, so I put together a presentation. I had just given the students a crash course in PowerPoint presentations and Prezi, so I thought I’d give that a try. I didn’t get a book deal >:(, but my presentation was pretty sweet. Find it HERE

 

AND THEN…a new school year started and the sub jobs came pouring in. So far, I’ve presented to about 250 seventh graders, most of the eighth graders saw it last year.

 

AND THEN…my younger sister, a Latin teacher (She teaches Latin, she’s not a teacher who is Latin, no one is or really has been since the Roman empire), asked me to come talk to one of her classes. I thought that this nexus of presentation opportunities called for a revamped presentation.

 

AND THEN…I combined the raggedy PowerPoint with the fresh, shiny Prezi to create a PreziPoint (PowerPrezi?). The svelte can be viewed in all its smoothly transitioning glory HERE. Or, for your convenience, I’ve reproduced the presentation here in slideshow form.

 

AND THEN…actually, ‘AND THEN…’ doesn’t work here, but I’m nothing if not consistent, the frames with a 🌟 in the lower right corner were adapted from the original PowerPoint. This means that the ones without a star make up the original Prezi.

 

AND THEN… If you don’t notice, apart from the book excerpts, it rhymes! Isn’t that delicious?

 

AND THEN…FIN

 

AND THEN…@JarrettLWilson

 

A Picture is Worth a Thousand…Pictures…

All Done…or 93 pictures if you’re the GIF above. By that reckoning, if a picture is truly worth 1,000 words, that GIF is a tidy package of 93,000 words. Add to that the words you’re reading, and you have the world’s longest blog post. Honestly, I almost could’ve written 93,000 words in the time it took to make this GIF.

While I explain what it is, I’ll explain how it was made. I have the MRI images for most of my scans, in total I found/used eight sets of scans. Then, I made some pictures with my webcam of my profile and the top of my freakishly large head. If my math is correct, that makes 8+1 = 9 sets of images. Each set has roughly 10 pictures – including multiples of the original and duplicates of the fading shots. The sequence of the scans is chronological (For instance, a scan from 2010 would come after a scan from 2009, a scan done in May of some year will come before a scan…scanned in September of that same year…and so on).

The images are labeled with the reason for and date of the scan. I’d only point out the first scan from May, 2009 showing a big blob of white stuff just below the very center of my brain profile and slightly off center looking at the top. It’s almost as if someone tried to white it out. Really, it’s blood, the doctor injects you with the air from inside a blacklight, then your blood glows white.

The magnetic manipulation of the various cells and particles that form a mass called “Jarrett” (Magnetic), and the clicking and knocking noises (Resonance) labored to produce this Image a few days after the hemorrhage.

The magnets and sounds continued their unlikely coupling through my skull on August 15, 2016, one day before my appointment with my neurosurgeon (I verbally sparred with both the doctor’s office and the insurance company for a month and had to reschedule twice, but that’s a different story altogether).

On the last MRI image, notice all the white out has been removed. When looking down from the top of my head, the “cavern” that the cavernous malformation called home is still a dark hole. I can only speculate that this is why I forget stuff almost as quickly as it pops into my head, it gets sucked into this vortex of blackest black, of darkest dark, of ebon opacity, of obsidian obscurity, etc.

Anyway, this GIF sums up seven years of the physiological side of brain injury recovery. I’ll stop writing now as this post has now reached a staggering 93,443 words.

This is all to say that my latest scans show no activity, and my recovery continues.

FIN (93,460 words if counting the number)

@JarrettLWilson (93,468)

Jarrett vs. Health Insurance

output_0fhCWAGreetings, the internet!

I apologize for my overlong absence from posting here. This here story I’m about to unfold gives some insight into why I’ve neglected this beacon of organized nonsense. Before I get into the reading portion of today’s entry, we’re gonna do some math –

#1. Affordable Care Act + dude with extensive medical needs = grumpy insurance company.

#2. Grumpy insurance company + dude with extensive medical needs = sub-par coverage and service

#3. Dude with extensive medical needs is due for an annual MRI + sub-par coverage and service = dude pays for MRI

#4. Dude keeps records of all the times he tried to contact the insurance company + dude pays the bill anyway = legal action against insurance company.

#5. Legal action against insurance company^2 = 11…

#6. The square root of 11 is 3.31662479 – on a phone, these numbers could spell “DEMOBIPY” or “FENMAGRY”…which kinda rhymes with “gravy”, a delicious substance that clogs arteries, thus leading to more claims for the insurance companies, making them more grumpy.

I digress…

…Listen, part of my ongoing upkeep is a once yearly visit with my neurosurgeon. That annual visit is preceded by an MRI. When I was employed and insured through a PPO, I didn’t need a referral. Having an HMO (stands for Has Many Obstacles) through the Affordable Care Act, I need to get a referral to blow my nose. As if that bureaucratic labyrinth wasn’t enough, math problem #2 takes form in the…uh, form of unreturned messages and “health assistant” buck passing…hmmm, if you are a health assistant that had been passed a buck, you shall henceforth be called a “health passistant”.

Gosh, I’m all over the place, let me summarize – I need an MRI by mid August. I started the referral/prior authorization process for this about a month ago (after already having it approved, then losing coverage, but that’s a horse of a different color). All I’ve gotten in response is “I’ll reach out to your doctor’s office to see where they are in the referral process”. Three things about this –

1. The way they talk about trying to get in touch with my doctor’s office, you’d think they were trying to contact Santa Claus on Christmas eve.

2. The doctor himself told me that the paperwork was sent on June 2nd.

3. Every time I’ve called, I’ve spoken with a real person in the department I intended.

Here’s what I’m getting at – MRIs are expensive. I had one last year before paying my deductible ~ $1800. Call me paranoid, but I believe that when an insurance company is looking at paying that amount of money, there phones stop working, emails get sent to spam more often and the fax machine works maybe half the time. After all, HMO stands for Healthy Monetary Outlook. So I would have you bare witness, interwebs – I’ve done and continue to do my part to ensure that the MRI will be covered.

One more thing – I’m not slamming Obamacare here. I’m grateful that I have insurance, limited though it may be. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, you are your best advocate. Even the best insurance companies can’t get inside your head, even if they do pay for an MRI of your brain, and decide what’s best for you.

Also, I thought of one more meaning of HMO. For this one you need to use a salty New Yorker accent – HMO = Healthy?!? Meh, Oh well.
FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Terd Compendium v2.0

Over the next few days, I’ll be posting the totality of my “Terds”. For those of you who don’t know what a “Terd” is, it’s a term formed from two or more words – term+word=Terd. Definitions and examples are pretty compact to meet with Twitter’s character limit – I’ve embellished a few. The very first Terd, tweeted way back in two ought twelve is “bangry”, I’ll reprint the explanation here –

“Bangry” is the lovechild of bored and angry. The library lady where I work was telling a story about her mom being “bored and angry”. I conceived “bangry” on the spot. Here’s how it is used – let’s say you’re a dude, and your girlfriend drags you to a girlie play that you have no interest in. You’re already angry for having to go and now you have to watch a boring play. The artsy emo chick at the concession booth who wants a part in the play, but doesn’t get one so she works the concession booth to be “close to the magic,” asks how you are doing. You reply, “I’m bangry.” With the time you saved from saying one word instead of two, you’ll be able to get back to your seat in time for the second half of the play. Doing this will certainly make you “bangrier” (or would it be “more bangry”?).

This and more silliness was originally posted HERE.

I’m not sure how many there are, but I’m sure it’s somewhere between one and 794,152.
Though each one is my favorite in its own way, I’ve selected five “super – favorites” for your immediate perusal. They appear at the top of the list, set apart by a *. If you think you can do better with a definition and/or example, have at it. Twill be a “terd-off” for the ages!

ThreatertainmentThreatertainment-Threat+Entertainment.

Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”

 

*Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Nearoticked off (Near+Erotic+Ticked off): To be so close to getting turned on then get seriously upset for not getting over the hump

Nearoticked off eg

Bouncer: What’s wrong with him?

Stripper: His wife called while I was giving him a lap dance- killed the mood. Now he’s nearoticked off

 

Therorist (Therapist+Terrorist): A therapist that uses very grueling methods

Therorist eg

Therapist: 70 more lunges to warm up, then we’ll get started

Patient: You’re not a therapist; you’re a therorist

 

Theoreimburse (Theory+Reimburse): A loan that the lender assumes will be repaid, but the lendee sees as a gift

Theoreimburse eg

Lender: You ever gonna pay me back the money I loaned you for the toilet wand?

Lendee: In theoreimburse

 

Oughtamobile (Oughta+Automobile): A car with a passenger full of suggestions

Oughtamobile eg

Mom: You oughta take main st., we’ll get to Ikea quicker

Kid: Mom, this is MY car, not an oughtamobile!

 

Titerature (Tits+Literature): Any part with words in a dirty magazine

Titerature eg

Guy: Why does Playboy print so many words? I just wanna look at the pics

Dude: You’re missing out on some fine titerature

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Bramp (Bra+Cramp): An unpleasant sensation caused by a bra

Gal: Why you walking all crooked? Your back hurt?

Girl: No. Have a wicked bramp

 

Antichrist Tea (Antichrist+Iced tea): Iced tea that tastes so bad, it’s evil

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Plissant (Pleasant+Pissant): A very likable waste of space

Plissant eg

Mom: OMG! Our son charged those beautiful flowers he sent for mother’s day to the credit card

Dad: What a plissant!

 

Foolfilling (Fool+Fulfilling): Tip live up to a reputation for being unintelligent or ignorant

Foolfilling eg

Dude: What’s Kip doing in your car with that can of spinach?

Gal: A sign at school says “Can food drive”, he’s testing it out

Dude: How foolfilling!

 

Mechan’tic (Mechanic+Can’t): A car repairman that gives up too easily

Mechan’tic eg

Wife: What did the mechanic say?

Man: He said it’d be too hard to fix

Wife: More of a mechan’tic if you ask me

 

PiPhone (Pi+iPhone): Nickname for someone’s phone when you can only recall 3 or so #s

PiPhone eg

Dude: …give him a call, his # is 314…uh…

Gal: Must have a piPhone

 

Hemordroid (Hemorrhoid+Android): An Android phone that’s a real pain in the ass

Hemordroid eg

Guy on phone: …but that sure is a nice ski… hello? Damn hemordroid always dropping calls!

 

Democrap/Repooplican (Democrat+Crap/Republican+Poop): A politician who’s full of shit

Democrap/Repooplican eg

Guy: Senator Smith is full of shit, he must be a democrap

Gal: Actually, he’s a repooplican

 

Cosmopolitent (Cosmopolitan+Tent) 1.A really swanky camping setup or, 2. A trashy house with a few fancy features.

Cosmopolitent eg 1

Dude: I want your finest cosmopolitent

Salesman: This tent comes equipped with a butler, bidet and central heating and air

Cosmopolitent eg 2

Gal: These red velvet drapes are really fancy

Chick: Thanks, I needed something to match the rust on the car on the lawn

 

Vapornography (Vapor+Pornography): Dirty magazines and/or videos that turn in a cloud of vapor when a gf or parent is near

Vapornography eg

Ad in porno mag

Don’t you hate it when your girl or parents walk in on you when you’re watching porn? Avoid those awkward moments with vapornography.

 

Spowel (Sports+Towel): A towel acquired at a sporting event

Spowel eg

Gal: How was the game?

Guy: Awesome! But I’m exhausted. Every time they scored I vigorously flailed my spowel

 

Modulard (Modular+Lard): Pockets of fat that seem to exist independently from where day would normally be

Modulard eg

Dude: Is that guy hiding a football under this armpit? BY

Gal: I don’t think so – looks like modulard

 

Dirge-gerbil (Dirge+Gerbil+Dirigible): 1. A funeral song for a departed pet gerbil 2. A gerbil shaped airship that plays laments

Dirge-gerbil eg 1

Priest: Nibbles was a noble companion right up until his death by eating pencil shavings. His owner, Mick has prepared a dirge-gerbil in his memory

Dirge-gerbil eg 2

Dude: Holy shit! There’s a giant gerbil in the sky!

Guy: It’s just a dirge-gerbil, dude. Some rich guy’s gerbil must’ve just died

 

Primpropiety (Primp+Impropriety): A faux pas caused by untimely or unwarranted grooming

Primpropiety eg

Teacher 1: I got on to Amy AGAIN putting on makeup in class

Teacher 2: Yeah, I wrote her up for primpropiety last week

 

Inadvortentous (Inadvertent+Portentous): To unwittingly commit a previously declared act

Inadvortentous eg

Guy: Why does Amy smell like puke?

Dude: Dan puked on her. He said he was going to party til he pukes. Proved to be inadvortentous

 

Jackasset (Jackass+Asset): A screw-up that somehow manages to be useful

Jackasset eg

*Tire shop*

Guy: I told new guy to order 10 sets of tires.  Moron ordered 100. Good thing that nail truck spilled nails all over the hw.

Gal: What a jackasset!

 

Faminspiration (Famine+Inspiration): An extended period of creative drought

Faminspiration eg

Dude: Hey Jarrett, your last couple of terds sucked and you skipped a few days

Jarrett: Sorry, dude. I’m in the midst of a faminspiration

 

Zeppelinfallible ((Led) Zeppelin+Infallible): Term that describes a band that, like Led Zeppelin, is incapable of making bad music

Zeppelinfallible eg

At concert

Dude: I love this song! Aw fuck, I love them all!

Guy: No shits, dude. These guys are zeppelinfallible!

 

Crapplication (Crap+Application): An app that tells you the appropriate cuss word (crap, shot, poo, etc.) for a given situation

Crapplication eg

*Meteor hits car*

Owner: …

Dude: Can’t think of an expletive? There’s a crap(plication) for that

 

Osamama (Osama(Bin Laden)+Mama): A mother so strict, it borders on terrorism

Osamama eg

Guy: Comin to the game tonite?

Dude: Can’t. I came in late last nite, so my osamama slashed my tires

 

Girthday (Girth+(Birth)Day):1. A very long day on your birthday, or

2.A long day that promises to stretch on longer

Girthday eg 1

Gal: Why the long face? Shouldn’t you be happy on your bday?

Chick: Kim called in sick. I hafta work a double. This is the worst girthday ever

Girthday eg 2

Gal: Is it 5 yet?

Guy: Not even close, and we still need to fill out our TPS reports

Gal: What a girthday

 

Incommode (Income+ Commode): Term for a shitty thing to spend money on

Incommode eg

BF: Why’s my bank account only have $11?

GF: I invested your paycheck into some vintage beanie babies

BF: In the incommode, gotcha

 

Austeerie (Austere+Eerie): Oddly strict #grounded

Austeerie eg

Gal: Wanna come over?

Chick: Can’t. Grounded for using the wrong fabric softener

Gal: How austeerie

 

Paradoxymoron (Paradox+Oxymoron): A contradiction of contradictions

Paradoxymoron eg

Dude: I need a Pepsi

Guy: You don’t NEED a Pepsi, you WANT a Pepsi

*buys Pepsi*

Dude: I didn’t NEED a Pepsi, yet I got one – a catch-22

Guy: And you lied about needing a Pepsi, yet you ended up with one. Liar paradox

Dude: A paradoxymoron to be sure

 

Apologeez (Apologies+ Geez): An apology given after an accusatory rant

Apologeez eg

Gfl:…AND STOP LEAVING YOUR SOCKS ON THE FLOOR AFTER YOU WORKOUT, THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTEN OATMEAL!

BF: My apologeez

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

 

Comma Sutra (Comma+Kama Sutra): Sex session separated into two parts

Comma Sutra eg

Gal: Where are you going? We aren’t finished yet

Dude: We’ll finish later. I’ve been reading the Comma Sutra

 

Throatmeal (Throat+Oatmeal).n: Vomit

Throatmeal eg

Dad: Why’s there oatmeal all over the table?

Mom: It WAS oatmeal. Jr puked – now it’s throatmeal

 

Farticipation (Fart+Participation).n: An instance when passing gas is an individual’s only contribution.

Farticipation eg

Teacher: Does anyone recall the significance of the battle of Saratoga?

Kid: *pfft*

Teacher: Thank you, Sam, for your farticipation

 

Condomnation (Condom+Condemnation): Unjustly made to wear a condom

Condomnation eg

*couple bout to have sex*

Wife: You’ve a condom?

Hubby: Baby, we’ve been married for over a year! When’s this condomnation gonna end?

 

Flatulance (Flatulance+Lance): Violently smelly farts

Gal: Why is your nose bleeding?

Chick: My bf farted, I took a whiff & my nose started bleeding

Gal: Some dangerous flatulance!

 

Infamediocrity (Infamy+Mediocrity): Quality of being famous for behaving normally

Infamediocrity eg

Gal: Did you see the last episode of “World’s Best Vacuumer”?

Dude: Yeah, that Lisa chick is headed straight for infamediocrity

 

Algebrassierre (Algebra+Brassierre): A bra that’s very difficult to put on or take off

Algebrassierre eg

Chick: Girl, where IS your bra?

Gal: You mean my algebrassiere? Getting the damn thing to hook was like trying to solve balance complex equations.

 

 

Queasine (Queasy+Cuisine): Fancy, expensive food that causes nausea

Queasine eg

Dude: How’d the date go?

Guy: I bought her a $150 meal & she puked it all up

Dude: Must’ve been some fine queasine

 

Kleenexcavate/ion (Kleenex+Excavate): Using a tissue & finger to thoroughly probe and remove boogers from your nose

Kleenexcavate/ion eg

*Kid w/finger halfway up his nose*

Mom: Please wash your hands after you finish your kleenexcavation

 

8-bitch/ing (8-bit+bitch/ing): 1. A very unpleasant woman with blotchy makeup 2. A simple, 2 dimensional complaint

8-bitch eg

Gal: That hag with makeup like bozo the clown stole my parking space as I was pulling in

Chick: What an 8-bitch!

8-bitching eg

Dude: I hate republicans – they’re all too old and they have big noses

Guy: Dude! Quit your 8-bitching!

 

Pharmracist (Pharmacist+Racist): A pharmacist that judges the efficacy of a drug by it’s color

Pharmracist eg

Customer: Will this drug help my indigestion?

Pharmracist: Probably not, it’s purple. Now, if it was yellow…

Terd 12/8- Disclaimirth (Disclaimer+Mirth)

 

Nazima (Nazi+Noxzema): A very one-sided, unrelenting, yet effective pimple cream

Nazima eg

*TV ad*

Announcer: Once you try Nazima, YOUR FACE BELONGS TO NAZIMA! You’ll like it so much, your face will breakout worse if you stop!

 

Appulse (Apples+Pulse).n: When one is vitally tied to his/her iPhone

Appulse eg

Dude: What’s wrong with Dave?

Guy: He lost his iPhone, he has no appulse

 

Apostrophy Wife (Trophy Wife+Apostrophe): A wife that abbreviates/cuts everything short

Apostrophy Wife eg

At breakfast

Man: Where’s my coffee?

Wife: You weren’t done? I threw it out & cleaned the mug

Man: I always wanted a trophy wife, but an apostrophy wife…

 

Snow Dacation (Snow Day+Vacation): A series of 3 or more days off work/school due to snow

Snow Dacation eg

Kid 1: School’s been cancelled again!

Kid 2: SWEET! That’s 3 days straight! This is turning into a snow dacation

 

Voluntold (Volunteer+Told): 1. v. Appointing a volunteer when no one volunteers. 2.n. A person who has been voluntold.

Voluntold eg 1

Mr. Lee: May I have a volunteer to solve the problem on the board?

Ok, Brad, c’mon up.

Kid: Brad got voluntold!

Voluntold eg 2

Brad: …then he said “may I have a volunteer that can do it right?”

Passerby: You musta been one of Mr. Lee’s voluntolds

 

Deatconstruct/ion (Deconstruction+Eat): Taking something apart by eating it

Deatconstruct/ion eg

*Couple builds a gingerbread house*

Girl: Should we eat it now?

Man: Let the deatconstruction begin!

 

Fumorous (Fume+Humorous): Describes something so funny that it causes you to fart.

Fumorous eg

Dude: …I said ‘no, but that’s a nice ski mask!’

Guy: BAHAHA *pfft* that’s quite fumorous

 

Sargasm (Sarcasm+Orgasm): When one reaches the apex of witty commentary

Sargasm eg

Dude: …then I said ‘so’s your face!’

Gal: BAHAHA! What did he say to that?

Dude: I think I had a sargasm, we just cuddled & smoked

 

Underwherewithal (Underwear+Wherewithal): A disturbing awareness/knowledge of other people’s underwear

Underwherewithal eg

Guy: OY! My boxers are itchy today

Gal: That’s bc Hanes uses subpar cotton from southern India

Guy: That’s some powerful underwherewithal

 

Hardcordio (Hardcore+Cardio): A very intense aerobic workout

Hardcordio eg

Guy: Great workout today! Got my heart rate to 160

Gal: Dude! That’s hardcordio!

 

Zobot/Rombie (Robot+Zombie): A machine or device that was thought to be dead, but starts working for no apparent reason

Zobot/Rombie eg

*Guy vacuuming*

Gal: Hmm, I thought the vacuum was dead

Guy: It has new life, it’s a rombie

 

Chowlenge (Chow+Challenge): 1. A seemingly insurmountable amount and/or variety of food 2. An eating competition

Chowlenge eg 1

Waiter: …if you eat 10 wings with chocolate habenero sauce, you get your pic on the wall!

Guy: Now that’s a chowlenge!

Chowlenge eg 2

Dude: I bet I can drink more sausage gravy than you

Guy: Is that a chowlenge?

 

Endorkins (Endorphins+Dork): Chemical in the brain that makes one more nerdy

Endorkins eg

Gal: …the guy said I needed a better anti-virus and Malwarebytes

Guy: PC talk always gets my endorkins going

Poupon (Poop+Coupon): 1. A stinky (worthless) coupon 2. A coupon for toilet paper 3. A turd that’s paper thin from being stepped on so many times

Poupon eg 1

Checker: For being such a valued customer, here’s a coupon for .25 off an iPad air.

Gal: I don’t need that poupon, thanks

Poupon eg 2

Gal: Jesus! This toilet paper is $9 for 2 rolls!

Chick: I’ll check the paper for a poupon

Poupon eg 3

Dude: …that’s not shit, it’s a patch of mud

Guy: No, dude. It’s a poupon. It’s been stepped on too many times

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Mundayta(Monday+Mundane+ Data): Very boring information, usually received on a Monday

Mundayta eg

Boss: IT updated the system over the weekend. The default background is now cornflower blue

Guy: Thanks for the mundayta

 

Sexond (Second+Sex): Describes a very, very, very brief sexual encounter

Sexond eg

Bf: Can I get a little?

Gf: I need to go to work

Bf: C’mon it’ll only take a sexond

 

EureKOME ON! (Eureka+COME ON): Command shouted to get inspiration to get off her bitchass & enlighten you

EureKOME ON! eg

Inside Jarrett’s head

Need a terd for today…how bout hypnotaze? Ugh, that sucks. EureKOME ON!

 

Enlightning (Enlightning+Lightning): Inspiration’s volatile response to eureKOME ON!

Enlightning eg

Dude: Why is Mick all bloody?

Guy: He was having trouble writing a fight scene, he asked a MMA guy for some info. so he beat the shit outta him. Enlightning, no?

 

Briefrain (Briefs+Refrain): A cry of pain due to uncomfortable underwear

Briefrain eg

Dude: Hanes! Hear my briefrain! Would it that my briefs weren’t so tight that my balls wouldn’t feel as eggs in a vice!

 

Aztec Gods, Needles in a Foot and Hand Torture, Oh My!

image

I’ve been pretty lazy about the look of my blog. Previous banners have been hastily cropped images of my MRI scans or some such thing. So, I set about to remedy the situation by creating a banner representing my “injourney”. Though it may look precariously thrown together, I assure you that each object represents something very meaningful. I’ll start with perhaps the most powerful being on the banner. The colorful fella in the right corner is Huitzilopochtli,the Aztec god of war and the sun. I’ve a tattoo of Huitzilopochtli on my right shoulder blade –

image

What struck me was, if you say “war” and “sun” back to back very quickly, it almost sounds like “Wilson” – and as you know, Wilson makes top quality sporting good products, and is my last name.
I jest, although not one of his defining divine powers, he’s also associated as being the guide for journeys, having led the Mexica  (Aztecs, though don’t let Huitzi hear you say that, he was against that nomenclature – thought it sounded too much like “ass-tech” and didn’t want people thinking they made fancy toilets or other such things) from Aztlan to the site that would become Tenochtitlan, the Azte…err, Mexica capital city. It is this quality that convinced me that his likeness should appear on my right should blade for the rest of my days. He would always be near to guide me.
The colorful dude on the other side is Xipe Totec, which means “He of the colorful commode”. As you can see, he’s sitting, almost squatting, on a very colorful chair. This is actually a toilet. He was fine with name “Aztec”, thought it’d be a good opportunity to spread the word about his sacrificial, butt guillotine commode. While pooping, a blade slices off the bottom and flushes it straight to Templo Mayor in Tenochtitlan to be offered up to the gods.
image

Again, I jest.

Xipe Totec or “Our Lord the Flayed One”, is the god of, among many other things, the cycle of life-death-rebirth. You see, I’ve come to consider May 22nd, 2009 (the approximate date of my hemorrhage), as the date my old self died. I was reborn when I had surgery to remove the cause of the hemorrhage.

Getting back to the mortal realm, the little girl in the yellow shirt and headlamp is my darling daughter, Quinn. I go to the gym, and therapize myself that I might get to be more active with that little fireball. The headlamp is for what I call “technology spelunking”. I wear it when I need to fiddle around inside my computer case or complete some other task without adequate lighting.

The hand in the vice is a not so subtle reference to occupational therapy and its toils. Not much more to be said about this – if you’ve ever wanted break off your aching hand and use it to give someone (esp. an occupational therapist) a bloody slap across the face, then flip the bird with it, then you understand that image.

Rounding (more like ovaling) out the left side is a MRI scan of the top of my head. The white dot in the middle is a marshmallow I shoved up my nose when I was seven. Since that time, every time someone asks, “What’s that smell?” I invariably answer “marshmallows”.

Come to find out, the marshmallow passed through my digestive tract the same as if I’d eaten it – as such, it has long since done the thing that biological things do, whose name esca…DECOMPOSED (!) in the bowels of some sewage treatment facility.

The white dot in this scan, and the scan of the stick man in the middle, is actually blood – these scans were taken very soon after the big bleed.

The relatively huge foot (MY foot with a NEEDLE in it) is a direct result of that white dot – the blood scrambled some wiring up there, causing a perpetual spasm running through my left arm and left leg/foot. To combat this unpleasant symptom, I get injections of botox every three months, two of which go in my foot (let me reiterate: TWO INJECTIONS! FOOT!)

All these things make up my injourney, and so, are strewn about my path like so many playthings carelessly scattered across the front yard by a whimsical child.

The stick man furthest down the path has a question mark for a head. This is for two raisins –
1. In the future, my head will probably look about the same on the outside. I can’t make any assumptions about what it’ll look like on the inside. Of course, there will still be neurons and dendrites and hormones of varying flavor, but I have to accept the possibility that there might be more white stuff (there also might be a “Johnny Mnemonic” style hard drive or an antenna ala Vonnegut’s Sirens of Titan.
2. I couldn’t think of anything to put there.

And what banner would be complete without the auspices of LepreSean? He popped in and asked, “Whersh me potta gold?” Xipe replied, “I’m sitting on it!”

FIN

@JARRETTLWILSON

EUREKA! And some OT

Turns out, the pump was not to blame for my recent neuro woes (neurwoes?) I’m not totally convinced that the pump isn’t somehow involved, but it appears that I had a small bleed at my resection site in the Pons region of the brainstem.

some of the symptoms (the excruciating pain in my ass muscles, the temperature fluctuations on random areas of my body,  and the increase in spasticity…

ITEM! I’ve just now (unless you read this after 7:23 on Friday, February 13th. Then it’s the date/time you’re reading this minus the above mentioned date/time) found the cause of the hemorrhage, methinks.

You see, I was about to mention increase in blood pressure after “increase in spasticity”. My blood pressure shot way up.  This probably aggravated the small bit of cavernoma, causing it to bleed ever so slightly.

So let this be a lesson to you – if you do trunk rotations, DON’T let the catheter from your baclofen pump pop out of your spine. If it does, DON’T let your blood pressure spike. If that happens,  DON’T let the pressure get to your brainstem. If you DON’T heed any of these warnings, DO go to Zale Lipshy University Hospital,  ask for Dr.  Jonathan White and get on a low dose of ‘roids to reduce the swelling. Next, DO start with therapy exercises, because the ~18 month window of best recovery has officially opened.

You might try something like this –

Next,  be prepared to eat a LOT, because ‘roids make you ravenous!
FIN
@JarrettLWilson

Presenting – My…Presentation

I used to work at a middle school.

I’ve was employed there in some fashion for a number of years.

My first two years I taught 8th grade US history and coached boys’ athletics. The next year I taught 8th grade English and coached girls’ athletics.

At the end of that school year some blood vessels in my brain leaked like so much kiddie pool left to rot in the sun.

I taught 8th grade English for half of the next two school years. I came back the next school year as the assistant librarian and have filled that role for four years.

Assuming my math is correct (2+1+.5+.5+4), I’ve been working there for 21,554 years – this raises a few questions.

Firstly, I’m only 32 years old. Secondly, the school has only been there for 40ish years. Let’s round that figure down to eight school years.

I did so enjoy working with students. Thing is, I’m was’t like any of the other teachers/professionals in the school.

When I returned to teaching after the hemorrhage, I created a PowerPoint presentation about my condition to show to my class to prepare them for my uniqueness.

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to the new seventh graders. I modified the presentation to fit my condition today. I thought I’d share it with you, the internet –

1

This is the title slide – note that it has the title written (in English, no less!) on it.

2

This slide is for a handout. The students were given the same graphic, but with blanks. In essence, they started with an empty brain and ended with a full one (symbolic, no?)

3

In the same fashion as the previous slide, the students filled in the blanks on the same graphic.

4

This slide is a pictorial representation (pictoriational?) of the functions of each lobe. For instance, the temporal lobe (orange) controls the instinct to swat things away from your ear (actually, that represents hearing), and the frontal lobe controls the confusion that comes from staring at gibberish on a sign post (actually, that represents planning).

5

Now we get to my contribution – you see, the seventh grade reading classes at the school where I work are covering non-fiction. They are reading Gifted Hands by Dr. Ben Carson – the brain surgeon that removed half of a girl’s brain. One of the teachers is a friend of mine and asked me to present my experience as a primer. The image in the slide is my brain (isn’t it beautiful?). The white dot in the middle is my cavernoma isn’t it (or rather, wasn’t it) ugly?

6

Not much to say about this slide that isn’t in the slide. I’ll just add that the symptoms listed are enough to get you a 20 minute helicopter ride.

7

Much like the image in the “My Brain Issues” slide – the head pictured is my head. My head is perfectly round and my brain has many different colors. I know what you’re thinking, “But Jarrett, there weren’t no color in the other image and your head ain’t perfectly round.”

I’ve a twofold reply to this comment. First of all, I was joking – that’s not my head. Secondly, you need to work on your grammar. Moving on, this one has info about the surgery. That fact weighed heavily in my decision to title the slide “The Surgery 9/2009.”

8

A few summers ago I went on a tour of a Nair factory – this happened to be the day that Gillette planned to sabotage the Nair factory. They set explosives…I’m tired of this explanation. It started off with promise, but now I hate it!

Truthfully, a few summers ago I wanted to see the scar, so I shaved my head.

9

This slide is linked to a file with moving pictures and sound! This “video” is about *drumroll* neuro-plasticity! A fancy term denoting the brain’s ability to form new connections.

10

This is a visual representation of how your brain thinks. For instance, you see a donut with your occipital lobe. That info shoots to your frontal lobe and activates your happy gland. Your happy gland shoots a message to your parietal lobe “GO GET THAT F’N DONUT!” Someone gets it before you can, so your temporal lobe tells you to break out your megaphone and shout obscenities at this person and threaten to call the police. This guy grabs a nearby napkin dispenser and wangs you in the Temple…

11

…That blow to the Temple gives you a TBI. Your brain rewires itself and finds an alternate route to your happy gland.

12

I included this slide to give the students an explanation as to why I sometimes shake when I speak and why I walk with a limp and hike up my left arm like so much Bob Dole. It also helps explain the little girl in the moving picture mentioned earlier. It also gave me a chance to…

Treating Hypertonicity with Pic

…mention the painful treatments. One thing I’ve learned from working in a middle school is that, as much as the kids want to be treated as adults, they still love to hear about people getting poked with needles and meeting a real life cyborg.

13

I like to pepper in some humor here and there to make sure the kids are awake. When this slide appears, it’s accompanied by a very loud, obnoxious laugh.

15

I don’t really do any of these anymore, but I mention it because I did it for so long, and it drives home the point that I’ve had a long road.

16

In my mind, all of these will someday be replaced with “Painfully normal”. For purposes of this presentation, it gives the students an idea of what to expect when they see me.

17

It can be difficult to work around young people with my disabilities. Instead of hiding or pretending that I’m no different, I encourage the students to come talk to me if they have a question. I want to think that I’m an ambassador for the disabled. Hopefully, these students will apply what I’ve tried to teach them to others with disabilities.

I included the last bullet because I’ve had some students speak very loudly and very slowly to me. You see, they have to tell me their student ID number to check out a book. In previous years, a student or two would speak to me as if I was unable to type and listen at the same time.

18

I’m a pretty smart dude and I can be pretty creative, but I didn’t discover any of this and I didn’t make this sh*t up.

If there’s one thing I learned in college, it’s that Keystone Light is super cheap and tastes like weedkiller. If there’s a second thing I learned in college, it’s that plagiarism is bad (I remember a syllabus that said there’s a special place in hell for those that plagiarize).

We try to instill that fear into the students, so I model the proper citing of sources.

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

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