Rhyme Time: Get a Job(s)

Teaching aboard the millennium falcon. Obi-Wan isn't pictured, he had to go to the bathroom. The sign with the rooster reads "this isn't the rooster you're looking for"
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Teaching aboard the Millennium Falcon. Obi-Wan isn’t pictured, he had to go to the bathroom. The sign with the rooster reads “this isn’t the rooster you’re looking for”

My injourney

has led me

To many

Ways to make a penny.

 

My preservation,

Indeed, my continuation,

Rests on many a vocation.

A patched together living in summation

 

The latest of these

I do with ease,

Lounging in my jammies

Teaching English to Chinese…

 

…Children. Thanks to the internet,

I don’t get wet,

Or take a jet.

I Haven’t even been to China, yet.

 

Pronunciation and grammar are my trade;

American dollars are what I’m paid.

Fortunately, I don’t have to grade…

…Papers, and the lessons are already made.

 

I simply report to the designated digital place

With a smile on my face,

Speak at a slow pace,

And keep a clean workspace

 

“No, not ‘parsent’

“It’s pronounced ‘parent’

Don’t worry about your accent

I know what you meant

 

This pedagogical enterprise

Supplements my daytime guise

Where I mesmerize

Teach and civilize…

 

…local students at the secondary age

In order to engage

Them with sage

Advice for life on the world’s stage.

 

These jobs offer little remuneration,

But, keep in mind, monetization

Isn’t the only form of “job well done” dispensation,

Much of my efforts are met with adulation.

 

Indeed, the compensation is sufficient

For spiritual nourishment,

But the commercial payment

Won’t even cover rent.

 

Such is the way

I earn my pay

Allowing me to stay

Productive and bizzay (busy)

 

Life doesn’t stop because of brain injury.

I’ve still got to get out and feed the monkey.

I just never imagined I’d be

So busy…

 

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

The More You Know…

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I’ve started substitute teaching. You probably remember crusty, old geezers teaching your class when one of your teachers was gone. These fossils were fond of telling students that they don’t know what hard work is, that they had to recite the pledge of allegiance in Greek and had to learn math with an abacus.

 

Whatever the case, there was always the assumption that, like teaching vampires who only came out during the school day, subs didn’t have an everyday normal life; when the school day was over they’d retreat to the school basement to read the textbooks for enjoyment before using them as a bed to sleep on until they were called to action again.

 

My point is that, with a single day substitute, there isn’t really a chance to get to know the sub.

 

I typically sub at the school where I once taught and assisted librarily, so I know most of the teachers and they know of my condition. Given enough notice, I’ll offer to give a presentation to the kiddos about me. This way the teacher doesn’t have to prepare as much and the students get first-hand knowledge of why I am the way I am. I’ve posted a version of this presentation before (LINK), but it was a raggedy old PowerPoint.

 

AND THEN…last summer – I went to a writer’s conference to pitch my memoir. I wanted to stand out, so I put together a presentation. I had just given the students a crash course in PowerPoint presentations and Prezi, so I thought I’d give that a try. I didn’t get a book deal >:(, but my presentation was pretty sweet. Find it HERE

 

AND THEN…a new school year started and the sub jobs came pouring in. So far, I’ve presented to about 250 seventh graders, most of the eighth graders saw it last year.

 

AND THEN…my younger sister, a Latin teacher (She teaches Latin, she’s not a teacher who is Latin, no one is or really has been since the Roman empire), asked me to come talk to one of her classes. I thought that this nexus of presentation opportunities called for a revamped presentation.

 

AND THEN…I combined the raggedy PowerPoint with the fresh, shiny Prezi to create a PreziPoint (PowerPrezi?). The svelte can be viewed in all its smoothly transitioning glory HERE. Or, for your convenience, I’ve reproduced the presentation here in slideshow form.

 

AND THEN…actually, ‘AND THEN…’ doesn’t work here, but I’m nothing if not consistent, the frames with a 🌟 in the lower right corner were adapted from the original PowerPoint. This means that the ones without a star make up the original Prezi.

 

AND THEN… If you don’t notice, apart from the book excerpts, it rhymes! Isn’t that delicious?

 

AND THEN…FIN

 

AND THEN…@JarrettLWilson

 

A Picture is Worth a Thousand…Pictures…

All Done

All Done…or 93 pictures if you’re the GIF above. By that count, if a picture is truly worth 1,000 words, that GIF is a tidy package of 93,000 words. Add to that the words you’re reading, and you have the world’s longest blog post. Honestly, I almost could’ve written 93,000 words in the time it took to make this GIF.

While I explain what it is, I’ll explain how it was made. I have the MRI images for most of my scans, in total I found/used eight sets of scans. Then, I made some pictures with my webcam of my profile and the top of my freakishly large head. If my math is correct, that makes 8+1 = 9 sets of images. Each set has roughly 10 pictures – including multiples of the original and duplicates of the fading shots. The sequence of the scans is chronological (For instance, a scan from 2010 would come after a scan from 2009, a scan done in May of some year will come before a scan…scanned in September of that same year…And so on).

The images are labeled with the reason for and date of the scan. I’d only point out the first scan from May, 2009 showing a big blob of white stuff just below the very center of my brain profile and slightly off center looking at the top. It’s almost as if someone tried to white it out. Really, it’s blood, the doctor injects you with the air from inside a blacklight, then your blood glows white.

The magnetic manipulation of the various cells and particles that form a mass called “Jarrett” (Magnetic), and the clicking and knocking noises (Resonance) labored to produce the this Image a few days after the hemorrhage.

The magnets and sounds continued their unlikely coupling through my skull on August 15, 2016, one day before my appointment with my neurosurgeon (I verbally sparred with both the doctor’s office and the insurance company for a month and had to reschedule twice, but that’s a different story altogether).

On the last MRI image, notice all the white out has been removed. When looking down from the top of my head, the “cavern” that the cavernous malformation called home is still a dark hole. I can only speculate that this is why I forget stuff almost as quickly as it pops into my head, it gets sucked into this vortex of blackest black, of darkest dark, of ebon opacity, of obsidian obscurity, etc.

Anyway, this GIF sums up seven years of the physiological side of brain injury recovery. I’ll stop writing now as this post has now reached a staggering 93,443 words.

This is all to say that my latest scans show no activity, and my recovery continues.

FIN (93,460 words if counting the number)

@JarrettLWilson (93,468)

Jarrett vs. Health Insurance

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output_0fhCWAGreetings, the internet!

I apologize for my overlong absence from posting here. This here story I’m about to unfold gives some insight into why I’ve neglected this beacon of organized nonsense. Before I get into the reading portion of today’s entry, we’re gonna do some math –

#1. Affordable Care Act + dude with extensive medical needs = grumpy insurance company.

#2. Grumpy insurance company + dude with extensive medical needs = sub-par coverage and service

#3. Dude with extensive medical needs is due for an annual MRI + sub-par coverage and service = dude pays for MRI

#4. Dude keeps records of all the times he tried to contact the insurance company + dude pays the bill anyway = legal action against insurance company.

#5. Legal action against insurance company^2 = 11…

#6. The square root of 11 is 3.31662479 – on a phone, these numbers could spell “DEMOBIPY” or “FENMAGRY”…which kinda rhymes with “gravy”, a delicious substance that clogs arteries, thus leading to more claims for the insurance companies, making them more grumpy.

I digress…

…Listen, part of my ongoing upkeep is a once yearly visit with my neurosurgeon. That annual visit is preceded by an MRI. When I was employed and insured through a PPO, I didn’t need a referral. Having an HMO (stands for Has Many Obstacles) through the Affordable Care Act, I need to get a referral to blow my nose. As if that bureaucratic labyrinth wasn’t enough, math problem #2 takes form in the…uh, form of unreturned messages and “health assistant” buck passing…hmmm, if you are a health assistant that had been passed a buck, you shall henceforth be called a “health passistant”.

Gosh, I’m all over the place, let me summarize – I need an MRI by mid August. I started the referral/prior authorization process for this about a month ago (after already having it approved, then losing coverage, but that’s a horse of a different color). All I’ve gotten in response is “I’ll reach out to your doctor’s office to see where they are in the referral process”. Three things about this –

1. The way they talk about trying to get in touch with my doctor’s office, you’d think they were trying to contact Santa Claus on Christmas eve.

2. The doctor himself told me that the paperwork was sent on June 2nd.

3. Every time I’ve called, I’ve spoken with a real person in the department I intended.

Here’s what I’m getting at – MRIs are expensive. I had one last year before paying my deductible ~ $1800. Call me paranoid, but I believe that when an insurance company is looking at paying that amount of money, there phones stop working, emails get sent to spam more often and the fax machine works maybe half the time. After all, HMO stands for Healthy Monetary Outlook. So I would have you bare witness, interwebs – I’ve done and continue to do my part to ensure that the MRI will be covered.

One more thing – I’m not slamming Obamacare here. I’m grateful that I have insurance, limited though it may be. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, you are your best advocate. Even the best insurance companies can’t get inside your head, even if they do pay for an MRI of your brain, and decide what’s best for you.

Also, I thought of one more meaning of HMO. For this one you need to use a salty New Yorker accent – HMO = Healthy?!? Meh, Oh well.
FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Terd Compendium v2.0

Over the next few days, I’ll be posting the totality of my “Terds”. For those of you who don’t know what a “Terd” is, it’s a term formed from two or more words – term+word=Terd. Definitions and examples are pretty compact to meet with Twitter’s character limit – I’ve embellished a few. The very first Terd, tweeted way back in two ought twelve is “bangry”, I’ll reprint the explanation here –

“Bangry” is the lovechild of bored and angry. The library lady where I work was telling a story about her mom being “bored and angry”. I conceived “bangry” on the spot. Here’s how it is used – let’s say you’re a dude, and your girlfriend drags you to a girlie play that you have no interest in. You’re already angry for having to go and now you have to watch a boring play. The artsy emo chick at the concession booth who wants a part in the play, but doesn’t get one so she works the concession booth to be “close to the magic,” asks how you are doing. You reply, “I’m bangry.” With the time you saved from saying one word instead of two, you’ll be able to get back to your seat in time for the second half of the play. Doing this will certainly make you “bangrier” (or would it be “more bangry”?).

This and more silliness was originally posted HERE.

I’m not sure how many there are, but I’m sure it’s somewhere between one and 794,152.
Though each one is my favorite in its own way, I’ve selected five “super – favorites” for your immediate perusal. They appear at the top of the list, set apart by a *. If you think you can do better with a definition and/or example, have at it. Twill be a “terd-off” for the ages!

ThreatertainmentThreatertainment-Threat+Entertainment.

Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”

 

*Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Nearoticked off (Near+Erotic+Ticked off): To be so close to getting turned on then get seriously upset for not getting over the hump

Nearoticked off eg

Bouncer: What’s wrong with him?

Stripper: His wife called while I was giving him a lap dance- killed the mood. Now he’s nearoticked off

 

Therorist (Therapist+Terrorist): A therapist that uses very grueling methods

Therorist eg

Therapist: 70 more lunges to warm up, then we’ll get started

Patient: You’re not a therapist; you’re a therorist

 

Theoreimburse (Theory+Reimburse): A loan that the lender assumes will be repaid, but the lendee sees as a gift

Theoreimburse eg

Lender: You ever gonna pay me back the money I loaned you for the toilet wand?

Lendee: In theoreimburse

 

Oughtamobile (Oughta+Automobile): A car with a passenger full of suggestions

Oughtamobile eg

Mom: You oughta take main st., we’ll get to Ikea quicker

Kid: Mom, this is MY car, not an oughtamobile!

 

Titerature (Tits+Literature): Any part with words in a dirty magazine

Titerature eg

Guy: Why does Playboy print so many words? I just wanna look at the pics

Dude: You’re missing out on some fine titerature

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Bramp (Bra+Cramp): An unpleasant sensation caused by a bra

Gal: Why you walking all crooked? Your back hurt?

Girl: No. Have a wicked bramp

 

Antichrist Tea (Antichrist+Iced tea): Iced tea that tastes so bad, it’s evil

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Plissant (Pleasant+Pissant): A very likable waste of space

Plissant eg

Mom: OMG! Our son charged those beautiful flowers he sent for mother’s day to the credit card

Dad: What a plissant!

 

Foolfilling (Fool+Fulfilling): Tip live up to a reputation for being unintelligent or ignorant

Foolfilling eg

Dude: What’s Kip doing in your car with that can of spinach?

Gal: A sign at school says “Can food drive”, he’s testing it out

Dude: How foolfilling!

 

Mechan’tic (Mechanic+Can’t): A car repairman that gives up too easily

Mechan’tic eg

Wife: What did the mechanic say?

Man: He said it’d be too hard to fix

Wife: More of a mechan’tic if you ask me

 

PiPhone (Pi+iPhone): Nickname for someone’s phone when you can only recall 3 or so #s

PiPhone eg

Dude: …give him a call, his # is 314…uh…

Gal: Must have a piPhone

 

Hemordroid (Hemorrhoid+Android): An Android phone that’s a real pain in the ass

Hemordroid eg

Guy on phone: …but that sure is a nice ski… hello? Damn hemordroid always dropping calls!

 

Democrap/Repooplican (Democrat+Crap/Republican+Poop): A politician who’s full of shit

Democrap/Repooplican eg

Guy: Senator Smith is full of shit, he must be a democrap

Gal: Actually, he’s a repooplican

 

Cosmopolitent (Cosmopolitan+Tent) 1.A really swanky camping setup or, 2. A trashy house with a few fancy features.

Cosmopolitent eg 1

Dude: I want your finest cosmopolitent

Salesman: This tent comes equipped with a butler, bidet and central heating and air

Cosmopolitent eg 2

Gal: These red velvet drapes are really fancy

Chick: Thanks, I needed something to match the rust on the car on the lawn

 

Vapornography (Vapor+Pornography): Dirty magazines and/or videos that turn in a cloud of vapor when a gf or parent is near

Vapornography eg

Ad in porno mag

Don’t you hate it when your girl or parents walk in on you when you’re watching porn? Avoid those awkward moments with vapornography.

 

Spowel (Sports+Towel): A towel acquired at a sporting event

Spowel eg

Gal: How was the game?

Guy: Awesome! But I’m exhausted. Every time they scored I vigorously flailed my spowel

 

Modulard (Modular+Lard): Pockets of fat that seem to exist independently from where day would normally be

Modulard eg

Dude: Is that guy hiding a football under this armpit? BY

Gal: I don’t think so – looks like modulard

 

Dirge-gerbil (Dirge+Gerbil+Dirigible): 1. A funeral song for a departed pet gerbil 2. A gerbil shaped airship that plays laments

Dirge-gerbil eg 1

Priest: Nibbles was a noble companion right up until his death by eating pencil shavings. His owner, Mick has prepared a dirge-gerbil in his memory

Dirge-gerbil eg 2

Dude: Holy shit! There’s a giant gerbil in the sky!

Guy: It’s just a dirge-gerbil, dude. Some rich guy’s gerbil must’ve just died

 

Primpropiety (Primp+Impropriety): A faux pas caused by untimely or unwarranted grooming

Primpropiety eg

Teacher 1: I got on to Amy AGAIN putting on makeup in class

Teacher 2: Yeah, I wrote her up for primpropiety last week

 

Inadvortentous (Inadvertent+Portentous): To unwittingly commit a previously declared act

Inadvortentous eg

Guy: Why does Amy smell like puke?

Dude: Dan puked on her. He said he was going to party til he pukes. Proved to be inadvortentous

 

Jackasset (Jackass+Asset): A screw-up that somehow manages to be useful

Jackasset eg

*Tire shop*

Guy: I told new guy to order 10 sets of tires.  Moron ordered 100. Good thing that nail truck spilled nails all over the hw.

Gal: What a jackasset!

 

Faminspiration (Famine+Inspiration): An extended period of creative drought

Faminspiration eg

Dude: Hey Jarrett, your last couple of terds sucked and you skipped a few days

Jarrett: Sorry, dude. I’m in the midst of a faminspiration

 

Zeppelinfallible ((Led) Zeppelin+Infallible): Term that describes a band that, like Led Zeppelin, is incapable of making bad music

Zeppelinfallible eg

At concert

Dude: I love this song! Aw fuck, I love them all!

Guy: No shits, dude. These guys are zeppelinfallible!

 

Crapplication (Crap+Application): An app that tells you the appropriate cuss word (crap, shot, poo, etc.) for a given situation

Crapplication eg

*Meteor hits car*

Owner: …

Dude: Can’t think of an expletive? There’s a crap(plication) for that

 

Osamama (Osama(Bin Laden)+Mama): A mother so strict, it borders on terrorism

Osamama eg

Guy: Comin to the game tonite?

Dude: Can’t. I came in late last nite, so my osamama slashed my tires

 

Girthday (Girth+(Birth)Day):1. A very long day on your birthday, or

2.A long day that promises to stretch on longer

Girthday eg 1

Gal: Why the long face? Shouldn’t you be happy on your bday?

Chick: Kim called in sick. I hafta work a double. This is the worst girthday ever

Girthday eg 2

Gal: Is it 5 yet?

Guy: Not even close, and we still need to fill out our TPS reports

Gal: What a girthday

 

Incommode (Income+ Commode): Term for a shitty thing to spend money on

Incommode eg

BF: Why’s my bank account only have $11?

GF: I invested your paycheck into some vintage beanie babies

BF: In the incommode, gotcha

 

Austeerie (Austere+Eerie): Oddly strict #grounded

Austeerie eg

Gal: Wanna come over?

Chick: Can’t. Grounded for using the wrong fabric softener

Gal: How austeerie

 

Paradoxymoron (Paradox+Oxymoron): A contradiction of contradictions

Paradoxymoron eg

Dude: I need a Pepsi

Guy: You don’t NEED a Pepsi, you WANT a Pepsi

*buys Pepsi*

Dude: I didn’t NEED a Pepsi, yet I got one – a catch-22

Guy: And you lied about needing a Pepsi, yet you ended up with one. Liar paradox

Dude: A paradoxymoron to be sure

 

Apologeez (Apologies+ Geez): An apology given after an accusatory rant

Apologeez eg

Gfl:…AND STOP LEAVING YOUR SOCKS ON THE FLOOR AFTER YOU WORKOUT, THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTEN OATMEAL!

BF: My apologeez

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

 

Comma Sutra (Comma+Kama Sutra): Sex session separated into two parts

Comma Sutra eg

Gal: Where are you going? We aren’t finished yet

Dude: We’ll finish later. I’ve been reading the Comma Sutra

 

Throatmeal (Throat+Oatmeal).n: Vomit

Throatmeal eg

Dad: Why’s there oatmeal all over the table?

Mom: It WAS oatmeal. Jr puked – now it’s throatmeal

 

Farticipation (Fart+Participation).n: An instance when passing gas is an individual’s only contribution.

Farticipation eg

Teacher: Does anyone recall the significance of the battle of Saratoga?

Kid: *pfft*

Teacher: Thank you, Sam, for your farticipation

 

Condomnation (Condom+Condemnation): Unjustly made to wear a condom

Condomnation eg

*couple bout to have sex*

Wife: You’ve a condom?

Hubby: Baby, we’ve been married for over a year! When’s this condomnation gonna end?

 

Flatulance (Flatulance+Lance): Violently smelly farts

Gal: Why is your nose bleeding?

Chick: My bf farted, I took a whiff & my nose started bleeding

Gal: Some dangerous flatulance!

 

Infamediocrity (Infamy+Mediocrity): Quality of being famous for behaving normally

Infamediocrity eg

Gal: Did you see the last episode of “World’s Best Vacuumer”?

Dude: Yeah, that Lisa chick is headed straight for infamediocrity

 

Algebrassierre (Algebra+Brassierre): A bra that’s very difficult to put on or take off

Algebrassierre eg

Chick: Girl, where IS your bra?

Gal: You mean my algebrassiere? Getting the damn thing to hook was like trying to solve balance complex equations.

 

 

Queasine (Queasy+Cuisine): Fancy, expensive food that causes nausea

Queasine eg

Dude: How’d the date go?

Guy: I bought her a $150 meal & she puked it all up

Dude: Must’ve been some fine queasine

 

Kleenexcavate/ion (Kleenex+Excavate): Using a tissue & finger to thoroughly probe and remove boogers from your nose

Kleenexcavate/ion eg

*Kid w/finger halfway up his nose*

Mom: Please wash your hands after you finish your kleenexcavation

 

8-bitch/ing (8-bit+bitch/ing): 1. A very unpleasant woman with blotchy makeup 2. A simple, 2 dimensional complaint

8-bitch eg

Gal: That hag with makeup like bozo the clown stole my parking space as I was pulling in

Chick: What an 8-bitch!

8-bitching eg

Dude: I hate republicans – they’re all too old and they have big noses

Guy: Dude! Quit your 8-bitching!

 

Pharmracist (Pharmacist+Racist): A pharmacist that judges the efficacy of a drug by it’s color

Pharmracist eg

Customer: Will this drug help my indigestion?

Pharmracist: Probably not, it’s purple. Now, if it was yellow…

Terd 12/8- Disclaimirth (Disclaimer+Mirth)

 

Nazima (Nazi+Noxzema): A very one-sided, unrelenting, yet effective pimple cream

Nazima eg

*TV ad*

Announcer: Once you try Nazima, YOUR FACE BELONGS TO NAZIMA! You’ll like it so much, your face will breakout worse if you stop!

 

Appulse (Apples+Pulse).n: When one is vitally tied to his/her iPhone

Appulse eg

Dude: What’s wrong with Dave?

Guy: He lost his iPhone, he has no appulse

 

Apostrophy Wife (Trophy Wife+Apostrophe): A wife that abbreviates/cuts everything short

Apostrophy Wife eg

At breakfast

Man: Where’s my coffee?

Wife: You weren’t done? I threw it out & cleaned the mug

Man: I always wanted a trophy wife, but an apostrophy wife…

 

Snow Dacation (Snow Day+Vacation): A series of 3 or more days off work/school due to snow

Snow Dacation eg

Kid 1: School’s been cancelled again!

Kid 2: SWEET! That’s 3 days straight! This is turning into a snow dacation

 

Voluntold (Volunteer+Told): 1. v. Appointing a volunteer when no one volunteers. 2.n. A person who has been voluntold.

Voluntold eg 1

Mr. Lee: May I have a volunteer to solve the problem on the board?

Ok, Brad, c’mon up.

Kid: Brad got voluntold!

Voluntold eg 2

Brad: …then he said “may I have a volunteer that can do it right?”

Passerby: You musta been one of Mr. Lee’s voluntolds

 

Deatconstruct/ion (Deconstruction+Eat): Taking something apart by eating it

Deatconstruct/ion eg

*Couple builds a gingerbread house*

Girl: Should we eat it now?

Man: Let the deatconstruction begin!

 

Fumorous (Fume+Humorous): Describes something so funny that it causes you to fart.

Fumorous eg

Dude: …I said ‘no, but that’s a nice ski mask!’

Guy: BAHAHA *pfft* that’s quite fumorous

 

Sargasm (Sarcasm+Orgasm): When one reaches the apex of witty commentary

Sargasm eg

Dude: …then I said ‘so’s your face!’

Gal: BAHAHA! What did he say to that?

Dude: I think I had a sargasm, we just cuddled & smoked

 

Underwherewithal (Underwear+Wherewithal): A disturbing awareness/knowledge of other people’s underwear

Underwherewithal eg

Guy: OY! My boxers are itchy today

Gal: That’s bc Hanes uses subpar cotton from southern India

Guy: That’s some powerful underwherewithal

 

Hardcordio (Hardcore+Cardio): A very intense aerobic workout

Hardcordio eg

Guy: Great workout today! Got my heart rate to 160

Gal: Dude! That’s hardcordio!

 

Zobot/Rombie (Robot+Zombie): A machine or device that was thought to be dead, but starts working for no apparent reason

Zobot/Rombie eg

*Guy vacuuming*

Gal: Hmm, I thought the vacuum was dead

Guy: It has new life, it’s a rombie

 

Chowlenge (Chow+Challenge): 1. A seemingly insurmountable amount and/or variety of food 2. An eating competition

Chowlenge eg 1

Waiter: …if you eat 10 wings with chocolate habenero sauce, you get your pic on the wall!

Guy: Now that’s a chowlenge!

Chowlenge eg 2

Dude: I bet I can drink more sausage gravy than you

Guy: Is that a chowlenge?

 

Endorkins (Endorphins+Dork): Chemical in the brain that makes one more nerdy

Endorkins eg

Gal: …the guy said I needed a better anti-virus and Malwarebytes

Guy: PC talk always gets my endorkins going

Poupon (Poop+Coupon): 1. A stinky (worthless) coupon 2. A coupon for toilet paper 3. A turd that’s paper thin from being stepped on so many times

Poupon eg 1

Checker: For being such a valued customer, here’s a coupon for .25 off an iPad air.

Gal: I don’t need that poupon, thanks

Poupon eg 2

Gal: Jesus! This toilet paper is $9 for 2 rolls!

Chick: I’ll check the paper for a poupon

Poupon eg 3

Dude: …that’s not shit, it’s a patch of mud

Guy: No, dude. It’s a poupon. It’s been stepped on too many times

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Mundayta(Monday+Mundane+ Data): Very boring information, usually received on a Monday

Mundayta eg

Boss: IT updated the system over the weekend. The default background is now cornflower blue

Guy: Thanks for the mundayta

 

Sexond (Second+Sex): Describes a very, very, very brief sexual encounter

Sexond eg

Bf: Can I get a little?

Gf: I need to go to work

Bf: C’mon it’ll only take a sexond

 

EureKOME ON! (Eureka+COME ON): Command shouted to get inspiration to get off her bitchass & enlighten you

EureKOME ON! eg

Inside Jarrett’s head

Need a terd for today…how bout hypnotaze? Ugh, that sucks. EureKOME ON!

 

Enlightning (Enlightning+Lightning): Inspiration’s volatile response to eureKOME ON!

Enlightning eg

Dude: Why is Mick all bloody?

Guy: He was having trouble writing a fight scene, he asked a MMA guy for some info. so he beat the shit outta him. Enlightning, no?

 

Briefrain (Briefs+Refrain): A cry of pain due to uncomfortable underwear

Briefrain eg

Dude: Hanes! Hear my briefrain! Would it that my briefs weren’t so tight that my balls wouldn’t feel as eggs in a vice!

 

A Lament for the “Bitestanders”

OH! The hue-manity (get it? Hue = color
output_r3QVuO
OH! The hue-manity (get it? Hue = color)

“Would that that kid hadn’t applied so much pressure while using me to color the reptile skin on the dinosaur zombie robot! As it was, I couldn’t stand the force and snapped. Alas, my fate was the same as any broken crayon! Forget my loyal service as I dutifully filled in for blue crayon when the kid, barely able to find her own thumbs, needed to color a pond next to the dragon king’s fortress. It was my color of that pond that inspired you to pretend that the pond was a rotting pool of fish guts used as a torture device for the Dragon king’s enemies, including that devious Dr. Pteradactyl Laser Eyes. Fate’s cruelty was not done. Ere long, a napkin reeking of pickle juice came to rest beside me.
I spent a night next to this malodorous napkin, adopting a secondhand aura of briny vinegar. Perfumed as I was, a foul beast snatched me from that prison of garbage, no doubt mistaking me for a loathsome pickle.

Crayon Lines Dog
The scene of the crime and the suspect…

The trash ravaging monster soon discovered that my insides tasted nothing like my outside, but not before she broke me in half again! Did she bother to return me and the other detritus to the rubbish bin? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Like roadkill we were left there to rot until such time as a more evolved, mature creature.”

I heard this refrain from a green crayon, victimized by my chocolate lab, Lucy. Lucy had plundered a trash can for a napkin that’s been used for a pickle, a paper tray thing with some leftover cheese specks from Bagel Bites, and more napkins in a variety of flavors.
I found it peculiar that this crayon should meet with this fate. Made me think about all the innocent bystanders in the pursuit of satisfaction. Here’s to all the innocent crayons!

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

SSI & Medicaid Straight Dope

Recall my earlier post concerning the ABLE program. Twas from researching this program that the truth about SSI and Medicaid really slapped me in the face. What is that truth? Quite simply, to get accepted into these programs, you have to be poor. To continue to receive benefits from these programs, you have to stay poor. There is no allowance for monthly expenses or the degree to which you’re disabled. The bottom line is $2,000 – if you’ve more (including assets, etc.), so sorry. If you’ve less, you’re in so long as you don’t cross that $2,000 line.
I’ve since looked into this matter more, and have labored to produce, for your viewing and listening pleasure, a blog post with moving pictures and sound featuring me, Jarrett L Wilson, giving you, the Internet, the straight dope on SSI and Medicaid. Let’s start the show…

SPEND IT –
http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=sr_nr_n_12?fst=as%3Aoff&rh=n%3A510136%2Ck%3Ahome+decor&keywords=home+decor&ie=UTF8&qid=1453588189&rnid=2941120011
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_p_n_is_pantry_0?fst=as%3Aoff&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Ahome+decor%2Cp_n_is_pantry%3A8417613011&keywords=home+decor&ie=UTF8&qid=1453588273&rnid=8410679011

ABLE –
http://www.ndss.org/Advocacy/Legislative-Agenda/Creating-an-Economic-Future-for-Individuals-with-Down-Syndrome/Achieving-a-Better-of-Life-Experience-ABLE-Act/

Pooled Trust –
http://www.lexisnexis.com/legalnewsroom/estate-elder/b/estate-elder-blog/archive/2011/10/21/what-is-a-pooled-trust-and-when-should-you-use-one.aspx
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/using-pooled-special-needs-trusts-when-you-have-too-many-assets-medicaid.html
http://www.americanbar.org/publications/bifocal/vol_34/issue_5_june2013/pooled_trusts.html

SNT –
http://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/publishing/rpte_ereport/te_lewis.authcheckdam.pdf
http://specialneedsanswers.com/what-is-a-first-party-special-needs-trust-and-when-is-it-useful-13264

LOTTERY –
http://www.txlottery.org/export/sites/lottery/index.html
https://www.random.org/

 

 

 

 

The Magic of Kale (Favorite People cont’d)

I took the easy way out with the background, I think it turned out okay. Dr. Shearer is the one dressed like a human and the rabbit is the one that looks like a rabbit.
I took the easy way out with the background, I think it turned out okay. Dr. Shearer is the one dressed like a human and the rabbit is the one that looks like a rabbit.
I took the easy way out with the background, I think it turned out okay. Dr. Shearer is the one dressed like a human and the rabbit is the one that looks like a rabbit.

Dr. Shearer, DO, physician/rabbit
Dr. Shearer is a pretty new addition to my real life friends list, but he’s made quite an impact. First off, a little background – Dr. Shearer was born in a small town on the English countryside to prominent sheep farmers (hence, the name “Shearer”). When he was 11, he got hopelessly lost in the woods searching for his favorite baby lamb, Hanes. He tried and tried to find his way back to the farm. Exhausted and confounded, he sat on a patch of grass, head sunk between his knees, and started crying. Then he heard a very soft voice ask “Why you crying, mate?” He turned to look at the source of the voice (vource?) and saw a brown rabbit with white socks staring at him intently, head tilted to one side, one ear peeled up as if scanning for the sound of leaves falling. Dr. Shearer, looking perplexed, asked “Deed you just tok?”

The rabbit tilted his head the other way, seemingly with the recognition that he was being spoken to. The rabbit paused, sat up and sniffed the air, “You daft, boy? Rabbits con’t tok!” Dr. Shearer started. “Dun be afraid. What’s wrong, boy?” Dr. Shearer sniffed, used his sleeve to wipe his nose, “Auh came lookeeng for wee little Hanes. Now aum lost and dunno the way home and auh still haven’t found Hanes, ‘as a white baby lamb with a bonnet come your way?” The rabbit didn’t say anything for a minute, probably contemplating the situation. Dr. Shearer tried to read the rabbit’s face, but being human, had no experience with the nuances of hare expressions and body language. Finally, the rabbit replied “Hanes ees eet? Hanes my way? No sorry, mate.”

“Well, eef you ‘ave Hanes your way, will you send eem back to duh Shearer farm? Aum starving, I’m gonna find my way home.” The rabbit padded out in front of Dr. Shearer, “don’t go on an empty stomach, mate; take some kale with you.” The rabbit ran to a patch of kale. Dr. Shearer winced. “Oh, dun be like ‘at, try some. Kale from dees woods is magic’ly delicious.” The rabbit handed Dr. Shearer a wad. Dr. Shearer took a bite and started floating. “Eet’s the most ‘elicious thing auve evah tast’d, tha’ ees. Me mum’s kale ees soggy and bi’uh. auh theenk auh will stay ‘eere for a tick and ‘ave moor.” The rabbit nodded. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years. Dr. Shearer so loved that kale and all the other rabbit food that he forgot about home. After living with the rabbits for 25 years, Dr. Shearer decided it was time spread the wonders of kale and a plant based diet. So he went to medical school (he was valedictorian of his warren, he got lots of scholarships). Soon thereafter, he came to work at the Good Shepherd Community Clinic, where he met Jarrett Wilson and quickly became one of Jarrett’s favorite rab…err, people.

I got a little carried away there. The rabbit story is, believe it or don’t, a complete farce. Moreover, it was a superfluously lengthy way to tell you that he advocates for a plant based diet and has changed my perspective on nutrition. On top of that, he’s a very intelligent, well-spoken guy. Here is a picture of us –
image
Like Emily, the occupational therapist, Dr.Shearer occupies space in my head and tells me what to eat. For being the rabbit inside my head, Dr. Shearer is one of my favorite people.

Blowhards and the Trouble with Numbers

“What should I do is vigorously but that the I need to document the blowhard at the top of the ta the most everything will I think it worked think I have my homework to me thank you for your help in this rating is the latch on to you later out of the thing well us tells you so I happen to have some course as always get as summary etc. note that bag works like if I ever found something use IQ a stock of the spring is in the myelin this thing.”
– Me via Dragon Naturally Speaking
I’ve been under the employ of The Good Shepherd Community Clinic, Inc. (GSCC) for about two months now. This job requires that I type more.  Since manually, I type a keyboard scorching 5.3wpm, I use dictation software – Nuance’s Dragon Naturally Speaking. The above gibberish was recorded as I spoke to a coworker about my difficulties mounting a dry erase board in my office. Let me stop there and insert that the comments that follow are not meant to disparage Nuance or its fine product. Quite the contrary, the software increases my efficiency by 152% (give or take, that’s a guesstimate based on a number I pulled out of my bottom).
Let’s analyze this –
“I need to document the blowhard at the top of the ta” must mean…uhh, I got nothin’. You see, I’ve found that Dragon works best when it has a context. Given that fact, we must ask what was the context for “blowhard” and “ta”? Let’s get the official definition of “blowhard” from dictionary.com – “an exceptionally boastful and talkative person.” I can’t say I’ve recently encountered a blowhard, but maybe some stepped into my office while I was away and started bragging about ninja skills or some such nonsense. The next chance it got, Dragon told me to either –
1 Catch this windbag not on ta, but on top of a ta. What is a ta and how does one ascend one?
2 While on top of ta, document the activities of a blowhard.
What about
“note that bag works like if I ever found something use IQ a stock of the spring is in the myelin this thing.”
Again, let’s look at context. It starts of plainly enough, explaining how bags work best if you find something (in it? To put in it?). Wait, I’ve deciphered that part, bags work best when you use your IQ to determine what to stock in it – this is easiest in the spring. If you try it in the summer, fall or, God save us, the winter, you will surely stock the bag with the wrong stuff, then you’ll die poor and lonely. I’m not sure about the remainder of the composition, but Dragon must’ve keyed in on a brain/intelligence vibe owing to the word “myelin” or “a soft, white, fatty material in the membrane of Schwann cells and certain neuroglial cells: the substance of the myelin sheath.” The way I understand it, myelin is the insulation that conducts neurological activity through brain cells. In a manner of speaking, it’s like the outside shell of a subway train car; without it, the train would still get people/stimuli to they’re/its destination, but the cargo will be a bit frazzled when it gets to its destination.
634
My new job roxxorz my soxxorz. Basically, my job is to do everything that I enjoy doing and everything I went to school for. What makes it doubleplusgood is the work environment
Moving on; The GSCC has a strong focus on wellness and improving quality of life. As an employee, I’m encouraged to lead by example and choose a wellness goal or goals every week.
I’ve taken on a new vocation as development coordinator for a nonprofit clinic. We seek to spread wellness across our small community like so much chicken pox festering on the flesh of some unfortunate adolescent.
For my wellness challenge of late, I’ve chosen to write 750 words a week, THIS is word 50, fifty, making the number 50 the 53rd word, but it’s a number, so I’ll fix that. Now the problem is that the word ‘fifty’ is word #54. It has become a case of a number standing in for a word that is a number in a sequence of other words, and so on…
Moving on, my other wellness goal is to be more active with my left hand. Being as clever as I yam, I figured I’ll do them both simultaneously. As such, I’m doing that for tthis portion of the blog. From here on out, like in the previous ssentence, I’m going to leave mistakes – the spasticcitty often causes me to hit some letters twice.
The thing that irks me the most is that I started at about 8:45. It’s now 9:15. I’ve typed a whopping 158…one hundred fifty eight words, not counting the words (and number that counts as a word) after ‘whopping’. That’s a keybooard shredding 158 words/30 grueling minutes = 5.3 wpgm. I’ve found “active” to be especcially tedious – ‘a’ is typed by the left pinky, ‘c’ by the left middle, ‘t’ by the left index,a brief reprieve with ‘i’ on the right side, back to the left mifflr/index with ‘v’, and ginally ginish with ‘e’ with the left ring ginger.sq1e – almost dropped the keyboard. Ivan’t help but think of the symbology that “active” should be the most tiresome, when something like “difficult” id so much easier. I can’t take it anymore, I stop.

FIN

@JarretttLWilson

Trunk Rotations can be Hazardous

…ln other news,  Jarrett Wilson managed to snap,  krinkle and/or pop the catheter of his baclofen pump at an intense workout on Monday.  He began to experience increased spasticity that night and ever more as the week went on. The initial suspicion was nuvigil withdrawal but after going bac…lofen  through the symptoms,  baclofen withdrawal seemed a more prudent diagnosis.  The first and most obvious sign of baclofen withdrawal is enhanced tremors and spasticity – the patient will shake as if his insides were some diabolical popcorn machine. Next,  the patient might start hallucinating. Our sources report that this symptom had been seen in Jarrett,. Let’s go to Chuck in the amusement park cafeteria for more details. Chuck: Thanks, Flo. The great and powerful writer of this blog wants me to tell the readers that he’s abandoning the news room bit – it started off pretty cute, but now is kinda like a turtle, slow with no discernible direction. I figure I’ll just be straight up, here are the facts –

As Flo mentioned, while doing some trunk rotations at the gym. I figured I’d add more weight that day, because that’s what you’re supposed to do at the gym and what’s the worst that can happen? As if the universe was listening, it replied by creating an unexpected pop in my abdomen and sending me into baclofen withdrawal. At work the next day, it was becoming harder and harder to control the tremors from my left leg. I started becoming concerned when having sudden temperatures changes in some isolated part of my body. I entertained the idea that the temperature and body part might symbolize someone’s attitude toward me. For instance, if my butt got really warm it’d mean somebody thought I was a hot piece of ass. If my shoulder went cold it was because someone thought I was unjustly ignoring him or her (i.e. getting the cold shoulder). I needed more period that something was amiss so I took my blood pressure. I’m glad I did, it was freakin high. I called my all things disability doctor, and she told me to go to the ER.

Within 20 minutes I’m in my principals hot rod headed to the ER. They got me in for a CT scan of my noodle and found nada – the ER doc prescribed something for anxiety and I was on my way.

The next day, PM/R doc and I puzzled over it – baclofen pump? Medication reaction? Another hemorrhage? Global warming? Not enough donuts in my diet? There were signs everywhere, but the answer was oh so elusive. Think of it like The DaVinci Code meets neurological disorders. In essence, we were looking for Da – Neuro Code. After that first meeting, there weren’t any dead bodies with clues written on them or ambiguous paintings to draw direction from, so we improvised, discussing symptoms and recent med changes. We decided that it was a complication caused by my skipping my nuvigil doses the weekend before. I would continue on nuvigil as usual and my hot ass wouldn’t be giving anymore cold shoulders.
After another day of tremors, temperature anomalies and high BP and a trip to the ER, it was back to the PM/R doc to reassess. The more we spoke on it, the more it pointed toward baclofen withdrawal, so she scheduled surgery the next day.

Turns out, we were right, the catheter leading from the pump to my spine had snapped. After replacing the catheter, my body decided to bleed a lot, there was concern that the blood would put too much pressure on my spine. Luckily, that fixed itself, however, I still had a leak – much the same as the great CSF flood of 2011 after the pump was first put in.

Listen, the brain and spinal cord are very particular about the amount of fluid they will sit in. If they sense that the amount of CSF is not just so, they demand that my head fill with an abundance of discomfort juice and that the discomfort juice should spread to my stomach and take the form of bile and partially digested food and exit out of my face portal with much heaving and dramatic bellowing.

To assuage all of these various fluids, a new fluid must be introduced as mediator, to “patch” things up if you will. Put simply, my blood is injected at the site of the leak and clots, sealing the leak.

A few hours after having this done, the discomfort juice was gone and the contents of my stomach would continue their course to exit out the correct portal. In fact, the improvement was so great that the Dr. decided to send me home that day.

That was two days ago, I’ve been holed up at my parents house resting since then. I hope to return to work later this week or early next week.

I’ll check back after I know more. FIN

@JarrettLWilson