Terd Compendium v2.0

Over the next few days, I’ll be posting the totality of my “Terds”. For those of you who don’t know what a “Terd” is, it’s a term formed from two or more words – term+word=Terd. Definitions and examples are pretty compact to meet with Twitter’s character limit – I’ve embellished a few. The very first Terd, tweeted way back in two ought twelve is “bangry”, I’ll reprint the explanation here –

“Bangry” is the lovechild of bored and angry. The library lady where I work was telling a story about her mom being “bored and angry”. I conceived “bangry” on the spot. Here’s how it is used – let’s say you’re a dude, and your girlfriend drags you to a girlie play that you have no interest in. You’re already angry for having to go and now you have to watch a boring play. The artsy emo chick at the concession booth who wants a part in the play, but doesn’t get one so she works the concession booth to be “close to the magic,” asks how you are doing. You reply, “I’m bangry.” With the time you saved from saying one word instead of two, you’ll be able to get back to your seat in time for the second half of the play. Doing this will certainly make you “bangrier” (or would it be “more bangry”?).

This and more silliness was originally posted HERE.

I’m not sure how many there are, but I’m sure it’s somewhere between one and 794,152.
Though each one is my favorite in its own way, I’ve selected five “super – favorites” for your immediate perusal. They appear at the top of the list, set apart by a *. If you think you can do better with a definition and/or example, have at it. Twill be a “terd-off” for the ages!

ThreatertainmentThreatertainment-Threat+Entertainment.

Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”

 

*Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Nearoticked off (Near+Erotic+Ticked off): To be so close to getting turned on then get seriously upset for not getting over the hump

Nearoticked off eg

Bouncer: What’s wrong with him?

Stripper: His wife called while I was giving him a lap dance- killed the mood. Now he’s nearoticked off

 

Therorist (Therapist+Terrorist): A therapist that uses very grueling methods

Therorist eg

Therapist: 70 more lunges to warm up, then we’ll get started

Patient: You’re not a therapist; you’re a therorist

 

Theoreimburse (Theory+Reimburse): A loan that the lender assumes will be repaid, but the lendee sees as a gift

Theoreimburse eg

Lender: You ever gonna pay me back the money I loaned you for the toilet wand?

Lendee: In theoreimburse

 

Oughtamobile (Oughta+Automobile): A car with a passenger full of suggestions

Oughtamobile eg

Mom: You oughta take main st., we’ll get to Ikea quicker

Kid: Mom, this is MY car, not an oughtamobile!

 

Titerature (Tits+Literature): Any part with words in a dirty magazine

Titerature eg

Guy: Why does Playboy print so many words? I just wanna look at the pics

Dude: You’re missing out on some fine titerature

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Bramp (Bra+Cramp): An unpleasant sensation caused by a bra

Gal: Why you walking all crooked? Your back hurt?

Girl: No. Have a wicked bramp

 

Antichrist Tea (Antichrist+Iced tea): Iced tea that tastes so bad, it’s evil

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Plissant (Pleasant+Pissant): A very likable waste of space

Plissant eg

Mom: OMG! Our son charged those beautiful flowers he sent for mother’s day to the credit card

Dad: What a plissant!

 

Foolfilling (Fool+Fulfilling): Tip live up to a reputation for being unintelligent or ignorant

Foolfilling eg

Dude: What’s Kip doing in your car with that can of spinach?

Gal: A sign at school says “Can food drive”, he’s testing it out

Dude: How foolfilling!

 

Mechan’tic (Mechanic+Can’t): A car repairman that gives up too easily

Mechan’tic eg

Wife: What did the mechanic say?

Man: He said it’d be too hard to fix

Wife: More of a mechan’tic if you ask me

 

PiPhone (Pi+iPhone): Nickname for someone’s phone when you can only recall 3 or so #s

PiPhone eg

Dude: …give him a call, his # is 314…uh…

Gal: Must have a piPhone

 

Hemordroid (Hemorrhoid+Android): An Android phone that’s a real pain in the ass

Hemordroid eg

Guy on phone: …but that sure is a nice ski… hello? Damn hemordroid always dropping calls!

 

Democrap/Repooplican (Democrat+Crap/Republican+Poop): A politician who’s full of shit

Democrap/Repooplican eg

Guy: Senator Smith is full of shit, he must be a democrap

Gal: Actually, he’s a repooplican

 

Cosmopolitent (Cosmopolitan+Tent) 1.A really swanky camping setup or, 2. A trashy house with a few fancy features.

Cosmopolitent eg 1

Dude: I want your finest cosmopolitent

Salesman: This tent comes equipped with a butler, bidet and central heating and air

Cosmopolitent eg 2

Gal: These red velvet drapes are really fancy

Chick: Thanks, I needed something to match the rust on the car on the lawn

 

Vapornography (Vapor+Pornography): Dirty magazines and/or videos that turn in a cloud of vapor when a gf or parent is near

Vapornography eg

Ad in porno mag

Don’t you hate it when your girl or parents walk in on you when you’re watching porn? Avoid those awkward moments with vapornography.

 

Spowel (Sports+Towel): A towel acquired at a sporting event

Spowel eg

Gal: How was the game?

Guy: Awesome! But I’m exhausted. Every time they scored I vigorously flailed my spowel

 

Modulard (Modular+Lard): Pockets of fat that seem to exist independently from where day would normally be

Modulard eg

Dude: Is that guy hiding a football under this armpit? BY

Gal: I don’t think so – looks like modulard

 

Dirge-gerbil (Dirge+Gerbil+Dirigible): 1. A funeral song for a departed pet gerbil 2. A gerbil shaped airship that plays laments

Dirge-gerbil eg 1

Priest: Nibbles was a noble companion right up until his death by eating pencil shavings. His owner, Mick has prepared a dirge-gerbil in his memory

Dirge-gerbil eg 2

Dude: Holy shit! There’s a giant gerbil in the sky!

Guy: It’s just a dirge-gerbil, dude. Some rich guy’s gerbil must’ve just died

 

Primpropiety (Primp+Impropriety): A faux pas caused by untimely or unwarranted grooming

Primpropiety eg

Teacher 1: I got on to Amy AGAIN putting on makeup in class

Teacher 2: Yeah, I wrote her up for primpropiety last week

 

Inadvortentous (Inadvertent+Portentous): To unwittingly commit a previously declared act

Inadvortentous eg

Guy: Why does Amy smell like puke?

Dude: Dan puked on her. He said he was going to party til he pukes. Proved to be inadvortentous

 

Jackasset (Jackass+Asset): A screw-up that somehow manages to be useful

Jackasset eg

*Tire shop*

Guy: I told new guy to order 10 sets of tires.  Moron ordered 100. Good thing that nail truck spilled nails all over the hw.

Gal: What a jackasset!

 

Faminspiration (Famine+Inspiration): An extended period of creative drought

Faminspiration eg

Dude: Hey Jarrett, your last couple of terds sucked and you skipped a few days

Jarrett: Sorry, dude. I’m in the midst of a faminspiration

 

Zeppelinfallible ((Led) Zeppelin+Infallible): Term that describes a band that, like Led Zeppelin, is incapable of making bad music

Zeppelinfallible eg

At concert

Dude: I love this song! Aw fuck, I love them all!

Guy: No shits, dude. These guys are zeppelinfallible!

 

Crapplication (Crap+Application): An app that tells you the appropriate cuss word (crap, shot, poo, etc.) for a given situation

Crapplication eg

*Meteor hits car*

Owner: …

Dude: Can’t think of an expletive? There’s a crap(plication) for that

 

Osamama (Osama(Bin Laden)+Mama): A mother so strict, it borders on terrorism

Osamama eg

Guy: Comin to the game tonite?

Dude: Can’t. I came in late last nite, so my osamama slashed my tires

 

Girthday (Girth+(Birth)Day):1. A very long day on your birthday, or

2.A long day that promises to stretch on longer

Girthday eg 1

Gal: Why the long face? Shouldn’t you be happy on your bday?

Chick: Kim called in sick. I hafta work a double. This is the worst girthday ever

Girthday eg 2

Gal: Is it 5 yet?

Guy: Not even close, and we still need to fill out our TPS reports

Gal: What a girthday

 

Incommode (Income+ Commode): Term for a shitty thing to spend money on

Incommode eg

BF: Why’s my bank account only have $11?

GF: I invested your paycheck into some vintage beanie babies

BF: In the incommode, gotcha

 

Austeerie (Austere+Eerie): Oddly strict #grounded

Austeerie eg

Gal: Wanna come over?

Chick: Can’t. Grounded for using the wrong fabric softener

Gal: How austeerie

 

Paradoxymoron (Paradox+Oxymoron): A contradiction of contradictions

Paradoxymoron eg

Dude: I need a Pepsi

Guy: You don’t NEED a Pepsi, you WANT a Pepsi

*buys Pepsi*

Dude: I didn’t NEED a Pepsi, yet I got one – a catch-22

Guy: And you lied about needing a Pepsi, yet you ended up with one. Liar paradox

Dude: A paradoxymoron to be sure

 

Apologeez (Apologies+ Geez): An apology given after an accusatory rant

Apologeez eg

Gfl:…AND STOP LEAVING YOUR SOCKS ON THE FLOOR AFTER YOU WORKOUT, THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTEN OATMEAL!

BF: My apologeez

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

 

Comma Sutra (Comma+Kama Sutra): Sex session separated into two parts

Comma Sutra eg

Gal: Where are you going? We aren’t finished yet

Dude: We’ll finish later. I’ve been reading the Comma Sutra

 

Throatmeal (Throat+Oatmeal).n: Vomit

Throatmeal eg

Dad: Why’s there oatmeal all over the table?

Mom: It WAS oatmeal. Jr puked – now it’s throatmeal

 

Farticipation (Fart+Participation).n: An instance when passing gas is an individual’s only contribution.

Farticipation eg

Teacher: Does anyone recall the significance of the battle of Saratoga?

Kid: *pfft*

Teacher: Thank you, Sam, for your farticipation

 

Condomnation (Condom+Condemnation): Unjustly made to wear a condom

Condomnation eg

*couple bout to have sex*

Wife: You’ve a condom?

Hubby: Baby, we’ve been married for over a year! When’s this condomnation gonna end?

 

Flatulance (Flatulance+Lance): Violently smelly farts

Gal: Why is your nose bleeding?

Chick: My bf farted, I took a whiff & my nose started bleeding

Gal: Some dangerous flatulance!

 

Infamediocrity (Infamy+Mediocrity): Quality of being famous for behaving normally

Infamediocrity eg

Gal: Did you see the last episode of “World’s Best Vacuumer”?

Dude: Yeah, that Lisa chick is headed straight for infamediocrity

 

Algebrassierre (Algebra+Brassierre): A bra that’s very difficult to put on or take off

Algebrassierre eg

Chick: Girl, where IS your bra?

Gal: You mean my algebrassiere? Getting the damn thing to hook was like trying to solve balance complex equations.

 

 

Queasine (Queasy+Cuisine): Fancy, expensive food that causes nausea

Queasine eg

Dude: How’d the date go?

Guy: I bought her a $150 meal & she puked it all up

Dude: Must’ve been some fine queasine

 

Kleenexcavate/ion (Kleenex+Excavate): Using a tissue & finger to thoroughly probe and remove boogers from your nose

Kleenexcavate/ion eg

*Kid w/finger halfway up his nose*

Mom: Please wash your hands after you finish your kleenexcavation

 

8-bitch/ing (8-bit+bitch/ing): 1. A very unpleasant woman with blotchy makeup 2. A simple, 2 dimensional complaint

8-bitch eg

Gal: That hag with makeup like bozo the clown stole my parking space as I was pulling in

Chick: What an 8-bitch!

8-bitching eg

Dude: I hate republicans – they’re all too old and they have big noses

Guy: Dude! Quit your 8-bitching!

 

Pharmracist (Pharmacist+Racist): A pharmacist that judges the efficacy of a drug by it’s color

Pharmracist eg

Customer: Will this drug help my indigestion?

Pharmracist: Probably not, it’s purple. Now, if it was yellow…

Terd 12/8- Disclaimirth (Disclaimer+Mirth)

 

Nazima (Nazi+Noxzema): A very one-sided, unrelenting, yet effective pimple cream

Nazima eg

*TV ad*

Announcer: Once you try Nazima, YOUR FACE BELONGS TO NAZIMA! You’ll like it so much, your face will breakout worse if you stop!

 

Appulse (Apples+Pulse).n: When one is vitally tied to his/her iPhone

Appulse eg

Dude: What’s wrong with Dave?

Guy: He lost his iPhone, he has no appulse

 

Apostrophy Wife (Trophy Wife+Apostrophe): A wife that abbreviates/cuts everything short

Apostrophy Wife eg

At breakfast

Man: Where’s my coffee?

Wife: You weren’t done? I threw it out & cleaned the mug

Man: I always wanted a trophy wife, but an apostrophy wife…

 

Snow Dacation (Snow Day+Vacation): A series of 3 or more days off work/school due to snow

Snow Dacation eg

Kid 1: School’s been cancelled again!

Kid 2: SWEET! That’s 3 days straight! This is turning into a snow dacation

 

Voluntold (Volunteer+Told): 1. v. Appointing a volunteer when no one volunteers. 2.n. A person who has been voluntold.

Voluntold eg 1

Mr. Lee: May I have a volunteer to solve the problem on the board?

Ok, Brad, c’mon up.

Kid: Brad got voluntold!

Voluntold eg 2

Brad: …then he said “may I have a volunteer that can do it right?”

Passerby: You musta been one of Mr. Lee’s voluntolds

 

Deatconstruct/ion (Deconstruction+Eat): Taking something apart by eating it

Deatconstruct/ion eg

*Couple builds a gingerbread house*

Girl: Should we eat it now?

Man: Let the deatconstruction begin!

 

Fumorous (Fume+Humorous): Describes something so funny that it causes you to fart.

Fumorous eg

Dude: …I said ‘no, but that’s a nice ski mask!’

Guy: BAHAHA *pfft* that’s quite fumorous

 

Sargasm (Sarcasm+Orgasm): When one reaches the apex of witty commentary

Sargasm eg

Dude: …then I said ‘so’s your face!’

Gal: BAHAHA! What did he say to that?

Dude: I think I had a sargasm, we just cuddled & smoked

 

Underwherewithal (Underwear+Wherewithal): A disturbing awareness/knowledge of other people’s underwear

Underwherewithal eg

Guy: OY! My boxers are itchy today

Gal: That’s bc Hanes uses subpar cotton from southern India

Guy: That’s some powerful underwherewithal

 

Hardcordio (Hardcore+Cardio): A very intense aerobic workout

Hardcordio eg

Guy: Great workout today! Got my heart rate to 160

Gal: Dude! That’s hardcordio!

 

Zobot/Rombie (Robot+Zombie): A machine or device that was thought to be dead, but starts working for no apparent reason

Zobot/Rombie eg

*Guy vacuuming*

Gal: Hmm, I thought the vacuum was dead

Guy: It has new life, it’s a rombie

 

Chowlenge (Chow+Challenge): 1. A seemingly insurmountable amount and/or variety of food 2. An eating competition

Chowlenge eg 1

Waiter: …if you eat 10 wings with chocolate habenero sauce, you get your pic on the wall!

Guy: Now that’s a chowlenge!

Chowlenge eg 2

Dude: I bet I can drink more sausage gravy than you

Guy: Is that a chowlenge?

 

Endorkins (Endorphins+Dork): Chemical in the brain that makes one more nerdy

Endorkins eg

Gal: …the guy said I needed a better anti-virus and Malwarebytes

Guy: PC talk always gets my endorkins going

Poupon (Poop+Coupon): 1. A stinky (worthless) coupon 2. A coupon for toilet paper 3. A turd that’s paper thin from being stepped on so many times

Poupon eg 1

Checker: For being such a valued customer, here’s a coupon for .25 off an iPad air.

Gal: I don’t need that poupon, thanks

Poupon eg 2

Gal: Jesus! This toilet paper is $9 for 2 rolls!

Chick: I’ll check the paper for a poupon

Poupon eg 3

Dude: …that’s not shit, it’s a patch of mud

Guy: No, dude. It’s a poupon. It’s been stepped on too many times

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Mundayta(Monday+Mundane+ Data): Very boring information, usually received on a Monday

Mundayta eg

Boss: IT updated the system over the weekend. The default background is now cornflower blue

Guy: Thanks for the mundayta

 

Sexond (Second+Sex): Describes a very, very, very brief sexual encounter

Sexond eg

Bf: Can I get a little?

Gf: I need to go to work

Bf: C’mon it’ll only take a sexond

 

EureKOME ON! (Eureka+COME ON): Command shouted to get inspiration to get off her bitchass & enlighten you

EureKOME ON! eg

Inside Jarrett’s head

Need a terd for today…how bout hypnotaze? Ugh, that sucks. EureKOME ON!

 

Enlightning (Enlightning+Lightning): Inspiration’s volatile response to eureKOME ON!

Enlightning eg

Dude: Why is Mick all bloody?

Guy: He was having trouble writing a fight scene, he asked a MMA guy for some info. so he beat the shit outta him. Enlightning, no?

 

Briefrain (Briefs+Refrain): A cry of pain due to uncomfortable underwear

Briefrain eg

Dude: Hanes! Hear my briefrain! Would it that my briefs weren’t so tight that my balls wouldn’t feel as eggs in a vice!

 

Fun with Acronyms, vol. 3 – S.T.A.R.B.U.C.K.S, Maybe

Presenting, part three of the controversial “Fun with Acronyms” series. A groundbreaking expose on some of America’s most prevalent cultural institutions. The NY Times, commenting on the first post in the serial, a harrowing attack on Apple, said “Wilson’s assertion that Apple manufactures the iPhone is spot on”. In part 2 of this series, Wilson turned his biting social commentary to that juggernaut of contemporary commerce, Walmart. The Washington Post said that Wilson’s take on Walmart was “765 words”and noted that the poem “rhymed”.

Now, Wilson’s highly anticipated critique of Starbucks, presented to you commercial and gluten free –

S.T.A.R.B.U.C.K.S is short for So Ticked at Apple because of Remorseless Brazen and Unabashed Component Konspiracy ( (: ) to Steal (your money).

Honestly, this wasn’t the acronym I originally conjured. A recent circumstance has caused me to redouble my efforts about spreading the word about how much Apple sucks.

Before I do that, you need more info about me to help you understand my frustration (that got me thinking, if you have an iPhone and just don’t give a crap about the whole Android vs. Apple debate, does that make you “Applethetic”?).

Moving on…

…I’m a tinkerer. I’ve had eight Android devices and successfully rooted seven of them – I sold the eighth before I had a chance to root it. One of these was back in the 2.3 Gingerbread days of gold cards, you whippersnappers today have it too easy today with your autoroots and Odin .tar files.  I’ve built 4 computers, two for me, one for a family member, and one for a friend. The cpu fan in my laptop wasn’t cutting the mustard, so I took that thing apart and replaced it, put it back together and it fired right up. Thing is, I’ve no fear when it comes to dealing with technology – I know what to look for and I know where to find it.

Thing is, iPhone made me this way. My first smartphone was an iPhone 3GS. After learning it in and out, I hungered for more functionality (more personalization, Bluetooth transfer, access to a file directory, WiFi tether etc.) I thought surely there was a way to get all of those things on my shiny iPhone. That’s when I found out about jailbreaking. From that point on, everything I owned that was Apple was jailbroken (I even tried to jailbreak a real apple, didn’t take – wrong firmware).

Cool as Cydia and a jailbroken iPhone was, I still hungered for a more powerful device. Fortune smiled upon me one day as I patronized the local Sam’s Club. A cute redhead working the phone counter saw me looking at all the wonderful Android phones on display and began to espouse the wonders of Android. After certifying that her hair was indeed red and that this cute redhead was indeed talking to me, I decided to make the switch to Android.

Fast forward to now(ish), a woman that brought some VHS tapes to me to convert to Blu-ray needed someone to take a look at her MacBook Air. Apparently, her child wanted to test its tolerance for liquids. The young one found that tolerance and then some. Having no fear, I told her I’d take a look and, if nothing else, I’d liberate the solid-state drive, allowing access to its contents for saving and uploading to another machine.

The nerdier of you reading this probably already know the first hurdle I ran into. Apple doesn’t believe in common form factors like “Phillips” and “Flat-head”, these shapes don’t have nearly enough points. Apple devices are held together by the “pentalobe” screw. Which looks like this –

wp-1454889602613.jpeg
I’m sure Apple will send a bill for using this image…

If you think that’s ridiculous, heed this – there are 3 sizes, the smallest being about the size of a syringe needle. Gawk –

wp-1454889542905.jpeg
I’m sure Apple will send a bill for using this image…
wp-1454889514898.jpeg
I’m sure Apple will send a bill for using this image…

I had in my possession the smallest of the three, having purchased a set for tinkering with another friend’s iPhone 5. I don’t know why I was surprised, but that one didn’t fit the screws of the MacBook. So I ordered the next size up.

The next obstacle will be finding an adapter for the 16+12 pin (I assume, course I wouldn’t be surprised if the SSD is connected to the motherboard via magic spaghetti) PCIe adapter for the PCIe  (read: NOT SATA) SSD.

Long story short, the @$$clowns at Apple use proprietary components wherever they can, to prevent nerds like me from fixing it and taking money out of their deep pockets. The MacBook owner tells me they wanted $750 just to look at it! I guess I’d charge that too if I had no competition.

What’s more, iPads are held together by &$*%ing glue! My darling child, upset about how clear the “retina” display on this iPad Mini was,  exacted screen shedding vengeance. Witness the carnage –

wp-1454889489196.jpeg
Just needs a good wipe down…

I thought I’ve already got the special screwdriver, this’ll be a snap. A thorough inspection of the device revealed no screws, leading me to the premature conclusion that it was held together by magic or the sheer willpower of Apple executives. Upon further examination, I discovered that, indeed, it was held together by glue. In order to gain access to the innards, the pulp of this Apple of you will, one had to acquire a heart gun or, in a pinch, blowdryer to melt the glue. Of course, before you pry it open, you must speak the sacred words “Klaatu Barada Nikto”  lest am army of uberhip, coffee bar adolescents descend upon you and dance your face off.

I’m gonna film my excavation of the MacBook -I’ll post it here later this week.

FIN

@JARRETTLWILSON

Fun with Acronyms vol. 2 and Rhyme Time

Today (or tomorrow, or the next day, and so on until the breakdown of civilization; whenever you might read this), I’d like to tell you about a little mom and pop grocery chain called Wal-mart.
If you are reading this in the distant future and Wal-mart isn’t the hub of shopping activity in your borough, civilization is, indeed, on the verge of collapse.
As of now, 1:47pm CST on January 28th, 2016, Wally World, as it is known in contemporary parlance, is a yardstick…perhaps THE yardstick of American culture. The annals will have it that ours is the age of the of the localized globe, where the world is at your fingertips – literally. This summation contains several omissions (hmmm…’contain omissions’, not sure about that one, but I’ll go with it).
Notably left out of this description is the Vietnam War veteran door greeter who looks at everyone scornfully because they don’t truly appreciate freedom.
Let’s not forget the family of seven with one cart full of essentials (food, clothes, hygiene products) to be purchased with government funds, and another cart full of beer and cigarettes paid for with a crisp $100.
On a more light hearted note, there’s the 200lb woman wearing shorts made for an average sized 14 year old…
I’m getting carried away. The acronym for Wal-mart is Where Ambling, Languid Mortals Acquire Routine Trifles.
Listen, nobody at Wal-mart wants to be there. Hell, they’re not there – that’s where the “Ambling, Languid” descriptors come in. Ambling = meandering about oh so leisurely, languid = lazy, lethargic.
I’d say stop and look around at how people become oblivious, uncaring zombies at Wal-mart, but you (like me) will be one of those oblivious, uncaring zombies. Instead of brains, you’re motivated by being done and leaving.
“Routine Trifles” would be anything, and I mean EVERYTHING that you might need and plenty of crap that you don’t. Stop by the pharmacy to get a blood pressure machine to take your BP after eating one of the varieties of Spam. You’ll want to pick up some toilet paper for when that comes blasting out the other end. Pick up a goldfish while you’re there (the fish tanks are right next to the toiletries at my Walmart – bit of a cruel joke, no?).
It’s a few days later, after writing everything above I wanted to wrap it up, but something kept telling me I needed more. I didn’t understand what more I could do. I felt that I had adequately regurgitated my point onto the page, but the word bile and grammar chunklets on the page beckoned me to await further inspiration. I was listening to the audiobook of When Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris and I got to a part where he writes a poem about a hobo. It was then that I realized why my prose swill bade that I tarry – I must compose a poem. That’s right, people – it’s rhyme time –
I awoke one morning and hungered for cereal with soy milk,
But reached the fridge only to find a small amount of Silk.
I felt a sinking in my heart,
This meant a trip to Wal-mart.
I started making a list of what I needed at the store,
Milk, bread, lunch meat and light bulbs, nothing more.
The first challenge was to find a parking space,
I circled the lot for what seemed like days.
Upon entering the store, I grabbed a cart,
Looked at my list and contemplated a place to start.
I’ve found that, no matter where you begin,
You’ll purchase more items than you intend.
For example, on my way to the lunch meat,
I saw a deal on hot dogs that couldn’t be beat.
This meant, of course, that I had to get buns,
On the way, I saw some Capri Suns.
My daughter has them with her lunch to drink,
I’m never going to leave, I start to think.
I commit to gathering the last few items, then go,
There are so many conveniences to be had, though.
With my cart nearly full, I head to the checkout,
Careful not to look at items that might cause doubt…
…that I have all that I need for now,
If I missed something, I’ll manage, somehow.
Checking my list as I walk out the door,
I started with a short list, but ended up with so much more.

I’ll call this limerick “Jarrett’s “short” list for Wal-mart”.

I’ve enjoyed writing this entry – leave me some comments about your Wal-mart experiences.

Next time, S.T.A.R.B.U.C.K.S.

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Fun with Acronyms vol. 1

I’ve spent my career in education. The world of education is festooned with Acronyms. As a result, I’ve developed an Acute Compulsion to Rearrange Objects into Names to Yield More Significance. You might say I’m an acronymphomaniac, even though I’m a dude. Moving on, I’m no longer in education, but my obsession with acronyms lives on. In this series, I’m going to provide the words that, in my mind, describe three establishments of our culture – Apple, Walmart and Starbucks. That said, this post is not meant to disparage the fine products of the three corporate icons I’m about to “acronymize” (except Apple. Having an iPhone is sorta like having an awesome phone (read: an Android), but it comes with an Apple rep who slaps your wrist ever time you even think about purchasing content not authorized by Apple, and if you manage to get outside content on your iPhone, the rep laughs derisively, chiding, “Fool! iOS doesn’t support [insert content name]”).
Naturally, I have to begin with Apple now – Apple stands for “Average Products Presumably on the Leading Edge”
I’ll admit that iOS is a very user friendly, intuitive operating system. It’s just that Apple polices it the way a jealous, overbearing boyfriend would look after a girlfriend – no communication with unapproved parties, can’t go anywhere without his permission (if you do, you’ll pay for it), and he only makes a change after you scream in his ear and threaten to break up with him (I was an iPhone user until the disappointment of the iPhone 5, so I broke it off with “him”).
Listen, iPhone is like the marijuana of smartphones; that is to say, it’s a gateway smartphone. At first, it was great – then I needed more. So I jailbroke it, a lot. A jailbroken idevice will take you “higher”, if you will, but I just knew there was more.
A quick note about jailbreaking 4+ years ago. Jailbreaking allowed an iuser to do many things that Apple would brag about adding a few years later – stuff like WiFi sync and turning the status bar into a connection and notification hub – stuff Android had been doing for years – hence the acronym.
Anyway, if a plain ol’ iPhone is Mary Jane, then a jailbroken iPhone is cocaine and an Android is the big H.
The point of that analogy is, if you’re going to do drugs, go big or go home (of course, you’ll want to go home after you go big, you might be a little disoriented).
Next, let’s talk about that titan of “Great Value” (the food might not taste very good, but it was a great value). I speak, of course, of Walmart. I don’t want to put too much in this post; I was explaining to my daughter, a rabid YouTuber and budding video artist that most viewers/readers are turned off by content that’s too long. That being my philosophy, I’ll stop here and continue next week.
Adios People, Please Like this Entry!
FIN
@JarrettLWilson

Sh*t Happens, Part One

Don’t forget that I don’t curse, so the title is pronounced “Shasteriskit Happens”. I’ve mentioned before that I fancy myself a writer, and do so enjoy writing. I would like to share some of my fiction writing with you. The following is a short story I wrote for a short story contest (that I somehow did not win, I blame Satan). It’s pretty long ( fast what she said!), so I dare not post the entire thing. I’ll put up the first part today, this third part tomorrow, and the second part the day after that (approximately).

The inspiration for this story comes from Kurt Vonnegut and the way he trivializes major events. ENJOY!

“PEE-PEE!” Shouted Rob in the highest octave he could muster.
Sandy buzzed with excitement at those words. Rob bent down to clip the leash onto his dog’s collar, but the dog was so spastic with excitement, he couldn’t secure the clip.
“Sandy, help me help you!”
After a few more minutes, Rob had the leash clipped on, potty treats in his breast pocket and a baggie for poop in a back pocket, with that they were out the door.
Sandy led Rob on their usual morning walk – on the sidewalk in front of his apartment, then around the corner into the courtyard of his complex. She went pee, Rob gave her a treat. They continued to the other side of the complex, Sandy scrunched over and pooped on a patch of grass close to a window. Rob decided that, since he was in a hurry and it was dark with no one around, he’d leave the poop there. No one’ll walk there, he assured himself. Rob and Sandy started walking back to the apartment. Sandy was leading Rob through a grassy field. The walk was going speedily until *squish*. Rob slipped a little as warm poo spread onto the bottom of his workboot.
Rob composed himself and used the rest of the walk to scrape his shoe against the grass in hopes that it would remove all traces of poo.
Rob lifted his boot to see the damage, the sole still had a heaping glaze of feces, with a few ambitious clumps that, in an outright “up yours” to gravity, were crawling up his ankle.
Rob thought back to the last tenants meeting. Patio ornament lady brought up the issue of dog owners not picking up their dog’s “excrement” – she refused to say or respond to any slang word for shit. The tenants at the meeting all agreed that they’d do a better job of picking up their dog’s “excrement”.
All the same, Rob’s foot found a very stinky, sticky and gooey pile of “excrement”. Rob didn’t want to show up smelling like poop, so he started scrubbing off his shoe, choosing to be late instead.
Rob woke at six, extra early that day because the central office called him late in the evening on the previous day to assign him the job. Rob, an AC repairman, already had a job lined up for that day; but Mrs. Sanderson, his boss’s sister in law needed a technician right away, she said her AC wasn’t cold enough. She gave strict instructions that he was to be there no later than 7:15.
He arrived about 7:40. Mrs. Sanderson was pacing back and forth on the steps of her porch, yelling into her phone; no doubt at Rob’s boss.
She noticed the van pull up, abruptly ended her phone conversation and stormed down the steps. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” She shrieked.
“Well you see, there was this grizzly bear chasing after some orphans…”
“OH, CAN IT! Do you know how much Zumba classes cost?”
“Eleven dollars?” Rob said sarcastically. “What’s a Zumba, anyway?” He asked with mock sincerity.
“I don’t have time to answer your bullshit questions, you’ve already made me late. Air conditioner is in the attic. I’ll be back in an hour, try to be outta here by then!” Before Rob could respond, she was halfway to her Jetta.
She sat down and turned the car on. Neil Diamond blasted through the speakers. She mouthed the line, “Hurting runs off my shoulders. How can I hurt when holding you?” She took her iPhone from her purse, she stopped to examine the new pink and white checkered case she just got for it, “Sorry, Neil. It’s Steve’s turn.” She said apologetically to her stereo. She plugged her phone into the cord coming from her car’s auxiliary port, pecked at her phone and Journey flooded the inside of the car. Mrs. Sanderson always listened to Journey before working out.
She usually leaves at 7:30 sharp. It takes about 20 minutes to get to the gym, ten minutes to check in and get situated. For a minute, she thought that being a few minutes late would be ok; then she thought about catching her husband staring salaciously at the waitress’s butt at Olive Garden last week. The young girl’s tight ass whirled in her mind’s eye – she floored the accelerator.

End of part one. Tune in tomorrow to find out if Mrs. Sanderson was able to work the jiggle out of her bottom…