The Magic of Kale (Favorite People cont’d)

I took the easy way out with the background, I think it turned out okay. Dr. Shearer is the one dressed like a human and the rabbit is the one that looks like a rabbit.
I took the easy way out with the background, I think it turned out okay. Dr. Shearer is the one dressed like a human and the rabbit is the one that looks like a rabbit.
I took the easy way out with the background, I think it turned out okay. Dr. Shearer is the one dressed like a human and the rabbit is the one that looks like a rabbit.

Dr. Shearer, DO, physician/rabbit
Dr. Shearer is a pretty new addition to my real life friends list, but he’s made quite an impact. First off, a little background – Dr. Shearer was born in a small town on the English countryside to prominent sheep farmers (hence, the name “Shearer”). When he was 11, he got hopelessly lost in the woods searching for his favorite baby lamb, Hanes. He tried and tried to find his way back to the farm. Exhausted and confounded, he sat on a patch of grass, head sunk between his knees, and started crying. Then he heard a very soft voice ask “Why you crying, mate?” He turned to look at the source of the voice (vource?) and saw a brown rabbit with white socks staring at him intently, head tilted to one side, one ear peeled up as if scanning for the sound of leaves falling. Dr. Shearer, looking perplexed, asked “Deed you just tok?”

The rabbit tilted his head the other way, seemingly with the recognition that he was being spoken to. The rabbit paused, sat up and sniffed the air, “You daft, boy? Rabbits con’t tok!” Dr. Shearer started. “Dun be afraid. What’s wrong, boy?” Dr. Shearer sniffed, used his sleeve to wipe his nose, “Auh came lookeeng for wee little Hanes. Now aum lost and dunno the way home and auh still haven’t found Hanes, ‘as a white baby lamb with a bonnet come your way?” The rabbit didn’t say anything for a minute, probably contemplating the situation. Dr. Shearer tried to read the rabbit’s face, but being human, had no experience with the nuances of hare expressions and body language. Finally, the rabbit replied “Hanes ees eet? Hanes my way? No sorry, mate.”

“Well, eef you ‘ave Hanes your way, will you send eem back to duh Shearer farm? Aum starving, I’m gonna find my way home.” The rabbit padded out in front of Dr. Shearer, “don’t go on an empty stomach, mate; take some kale with you.” The rabbit ran to a patch of kale. Dr. Shearer winced. “Oh, dun be like ‘at, try some. Kale from dees woods is magic’ly delicious.” The rabbit handed Dr. Shearer a wad. Dr. Shearer took a bite and started floating. “Eet’s the most ‘elicious thing auve evah tast’d, tha’ ees. Me mum’s kale ees soggy and bi’uh. auh theenk auh will stay ‘eere for a tick and ‘ave moor.” The rabbit nodded. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years. Dr. Shearer so loved that kale and all the other rabbit food that he forgot about home. After living with the rabbits for 25 years, Dr. Shearer decided it was time spread the wonders of kale and a plant based diet. So he went to medical school (he was valedictorian of his warren, he got lots of scholarships). Soon thereafter, he came to work at the Good Shepherd Community Clinic, where he met Jarrett Wilson and quickly became one of Jarrett’s favorite rab…err, people.

I got a little carried away there. The rabbit story is, believe it or don’t, a complete farce. Moreover, it was a superfluously lengthy way to tell you that he advocates for a plant based diet and has changed my perspective on nutrition. On top of that, he’s a very intelligent, well-spoken guy. Here is a picture of us –
image
Like Emily, the occupational therapist, Dr.Shearer occupies space in my head and tells me what to eat. For being the rabbit inside my head, Dr. Shearer is one of my favorite people.

“The Wilds of a Brain Injurah-d Routine” Episode One

I’m not sure what I was thinking on the last three posts. I guess I wanted to spread my writing wings.

Fact is, this blog started as a means to inform those close to me on my condition. I’ve since used it to share my experiences of life after brain surgery.

Recently, I’ve gotten comments about how insightful and informative some of my posts are.

That being the case, I need to get back to my roots – I like the idea that someone can benefit from my experiences.

With this post, I’m getting back to basics. I’ve mentioned before that you (yes, you there with the pants) should be your own advocate. That is, if you are facing adversity, do your homework to make your life easier. Therefore, I’m

going to lay out the adaptations of the Jarrett in the form of a nature show.

Thing is, the nature shows that I remember (the good ones, anyway) were narrated by Australians, so this blog will be written with an Australian inflection. If you’d like me to clarify anything from this, leave a comment. Here goes. Before I start, I would like to announce that I’m cutting back to a post every two weeks. I plan on focusing more effort on writing a book and illustrating my “Terds”. No, I’m not going to draw pictures of my poop; I’m talking about this silly words that I come up with and tweet; I’ve put a few examples at the bottom of this post. I reserve the right to throw a post out there when the urge hits me; but as far as regular posts, I’m cutting back to one every two weeks. Moving on –

Let’s watch as the majeestic Jarretto Awesomicus goes through hees morning reechal (ritual) –

Noteece that eet’s extremely urly. The Jarretto will wake up up to three hours before werk to make all the necesseery preparations. The Jarretto does thees for all commeetments – thees ees most lih-kely due to hees slow pace.

CRIKY! We’re getting a reh (rare) gleempse at one of the Jarretto’s morning exyersyah-zes (exercises) – the postyah (posture) and stability vogue. Een thees exyersyah-ze, the Jarretto flails his ahms about Een front of a mirrah to monitah and correct hees postyah.

What’s thees? He appeahs to be streetching hees amstrings. He does thees to loosen up the muscles een hees legs a beet (bit). You see, the spasteecity (spasticity) een hees legs makes hees muscles veery tih-ght. He ees done streetching and has moved on to his balance and weight beering (baring) exyersyah-ze. During thees exersyah-ze, the Jarretto balances on his left leg for at least 30 seconds and weel often try for up to a meenit (minute)

Now we see the Jarretto putting a Swedeesh knee cage (knee brace) on hees left leg. You see, the Jarretto’s brain doesn’t tell his left amstring to fie-ah (fire) when he straightens hees leg, causing heem to hyperexteend hees knee. Eef he deedn’t have thees brace, hees knee wood sirtinly break Een ‘af.

Ee’s of now to feeneesh getting ready for woork. But that wraps it up for us. We hope you’ve enjoyed thees edeetion of “The Wilds of a Brain Injurah-d Routine”. G’day, mates!

When purchasing laundry products, do not make the mistake of writing down "laundry detergent" on your list. Be very very specific about the brand name, etc.
When purchasing laundry products, do not make the mistake of writing down “laundry detergent” on your list. Be very very specific about the brand name, etc.
This would go well on the Wii's opening screen about the risk of seizures.
This would go well on the Wii’s opening screen about the risk of seizures.

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Tag Blog, p.1

A+ certification Arnold Schwarzenegger aztec gods Botox Brain surgery causality cavernoma CompTIA Conditions and Diseases Dog double vision Family Futurama Germanfest Health hemorrhage Hobbit Home hot water heater Kurt Vonnegut Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine Mr. T Neurosurgery orange juice OWFI Physical therapy Recreation Rocky Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI Technology the big lebowski Tolkien Trauma and Injuries TRILS United States vomiting Zumba

The above words were on my “most used” tags a few months ago. Most of these I only used once, so I thought I’d bring them closer to a true “most used” by making up a story.

I started a story when I first checked the  the list – didn’t like it. As such, this is my second attempt at “tag blog”. There were a lot of people maimed and injured in the making of this blog, especially those who read it and didn’t audibly guffaw –

The Hobbit sat quietly at his computer studying for the CompTIA A+ exams. All of a sudden, he heard a hearty knock on his door.

He scampered down the hallway to the big round door, and opened it very cautiously. On his doorstep, he saw a very large man in a grey cloak and a matching tall grey cap. The man looked down at him and, in a very strong Austrian accent, asked “Aw yoo da hah-bit named Zoomba?”

The hobbit considered the hulking pilgrim in front of him. “I’m a hobbit, not a habit. And yes, my name is Zumba. Who are you?”

The man seemed pleased to hear this, replied, “I’m Schwarzenegger the Grey. I’ve come to ask yoo to help wit a special ehrind.”

Zumba invited Schwarzenegger inside to hear about the errand.

Schwarzenegger the Grey started telling Zumba about Mr. T and his terrible vomiting sickness. “Da Aztec gahds put a cyurse on Mistah T, now he has dah-ble vision and he throws ahp every 10 minutes.”

Zumba grimaced in disgust, “How can I help? I’m not a doctor.”

“I know dat. I read a book by Kyurt Vonnegut that said that hah-bits aw viery handy for special ehrinds, what wit yoor abilidy to turn inveezable.” Replied Schwarzenegger proudly.

Zumba looked at Schwarzenegger with confusion, “Sorry to tell you, but I can’t turn invisible. Also, you must be thinking of a book by JRR Tolkien, not Vonnegut.”

Schwarzenegger sighed, “Dat doesn’t mattah. Doo yoo hyaf any special pahwas?”

Zumba furrowed his brow in thought, “hmm…” He paced a few steps and suddenly stopped with a jerk. “I’m very good with technology and fixing hot water heaters. Do those count?” Zumba asked hopefully.

Schwarzenegger let out an even deeper sigh, “Dehr going to hyaf to count. Rocky already tyurned me down.

Pleased with his better than nothing status, Zumba asked, “What is the errand?”

“Yoo aw to accompany Mistah T to da yunited states to confront the Aztec Gahds dat poot da cyurse on heem.”

“Aren’t the Aztec Gods from Mexico?” Asked Zumba, puzzled.

Schwarzenegger nodded, “Dey decided dat Mexico was too haht, then moved to Denvah.”

Zumba tilted his head. Perplexed he asked, “Gods can do that?”

“Dey aw gahds, dey can doo whatevah dey want.”

Zumba considered this for a moment, then asked, “When do we leave?”

“I hyaf tah go get Mistah T, I left him at a jyermanfest bathroom, dehr weel be lots of people vomiting dehr, he’ll fit right in. I didn’t want heem to throw ahp all over your home.”

With that, Schwarzenegger got up and lumbered toward the door and pulled it open. Just before he walked out, he turned to Zumba and declared, “Al be back” and turned to leave.

Not wanting to be bored, Zumba quickly asked, “Do I have time for an episode of Futurama or Family Guy?”

But he was already gone…

To be continued…

@JarrettLWilson

SiLiMes #2 – Canterbury Holds

1: Whan this message with its words soote

2: The and three days hath perced to the roote,

3: And bathed every veyne in swich licour

4: Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

5: Whan _ eek with their sweete breeth

6: Inspired hath in every holt and heeth

7: Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne

8: rises on _, the hold’s cours is yronne,

9: And smale foweles maken melodye,

 

Chaucerily,

Jarrett

 

 

@JarrettLWilson

SiLiMes #1

As library assistant, part of my job is to email reading teachers when a student has a book ready to be checked out. I started off writing simple “so-and-so has a book ready in the library he/she needs to pick it up by such and such date.” I quickly grew bored with this arrangement and started to write long-winded and convoluted messages, often based on famous writings from a multitude of genres. I really enjoyed writing them, I would like for you to enjoy reading them. That said, I present to you “SiLiMes” (Silly Library Messages). I have omitted the names of students, teachers and the dates, this information has been replaced with a _.

 

This first one is called “A Reading from HOLDmer”

Sing to me of the student, Ms. _, the student named _ that will come to the hallowed library of Piner Middle School to pick up a volume held in his/her name. Be sure s/he descends upon the room full of books on or before _ or Hermes will fly on his winged feet and take the book to the next name on the list!

 

 

@JarrettLWilson