Fun with Acronyms, vol. 3 – S.T.A.R.B.U.C.K.S, Maybe

Presenting, part three of the controversial “Fun with Acronyms” series. A groundbreaking expose on some of America’s most prevalent cultural institutions. The NY Times, commenting on the first post in the serial, a harrowing attack on Apple, said “Wilson’s assertion that Apple manufactures the iPhone is spot on”. In part 2 of this series, Wilson turned his biting social commentary to that juggernaut of contemporary commerce, Walmart. The Washington Post said that Wilson’s take on Walmart was “765 words”and noted that the poem “rhymed”.

Now, Wilson’s highly anticipated critique of Starbucks, presented to you commercial and gluten free –

S.T.A.R.B.U.C.K.S is short for So Ticked at Apple because of Remorseless Brazen and Unabashed Component Konspiracy ( (: ) to Steal (your money).

Honestly, this wasn’t the acronym I originally conjured. A recent circumstance has caused me to redouble my efforts about spreading the word about how much Apple sucks.

Before I do that, you need more info about me to help you understand my frustration (that got me thinking, if you have an iPhone and just don’t give a crap about the whole Android vs. Apple debate, does that make you “Applethetic”?).

Moving on…

…I’m a tinkerer. I’ve had eight Android devices and successfully rooted seven of them – I sold the eighth before I had a chance to root it. One of these was back in the 2.3 Gingerbread days of gold cards, you whippersnappers today have it too easy today with your autoroots and Odin .tar files.  I’ve built 4 computers, two for me, one for a family member, and one for a friend. The cpu fan in my laptop wasn’t cutting the mustard, so I took that thing apart and replaced it, put it back together and it fired right up. Thing is, I’ve no fear when it comes to dealing with technology – I know what to look for and I know where to find it.

Thing is, iPhone made me this way. My first smartphone was an iPhone 3GS. After learning it in and out, I hungered for more functionality (more personalization, Bluetooth transfer, access to a file directory, WiFi tether etc.) I thought surely there was a way to get all of those things on my shiny iPhone. That’s when I found out about jailbreaking. From that point on, everything I owned that was Apple was jailbroken (I even tried to jailbreak a real apple, didn’t take – wrong firmware).

Cool as Cydia and a jailbroken iPhone was, I still hungered for a more powerful device. Fortune smiled upon me one day as I patronized the local Sam’s Club. A cute redhead working the phone counter saw me looking at all the wonderful Android phones on display and began to espouse the wonders of Android. After certifying that her hair was indeed red and that this cute redhead was indeed talking to me, I decided to make the switch to Android.

Fast forward to now(ish), a woman that brought some VHS tapes to me to convert to Blu-ray needed someone to take a look at her MacBook Air. Apparently, her child wanted to test its tolerance for liquids. The young one found that tolerance and then some. Having no fear, I told her I’d take a look and, if nothing else, I’d liberate the solid-state drive, allowing access to its contents for saving and uploading to another machine.

The nerdier of you reading this probably already know the first hurdle I ran into. Apple doesn’t believe in common form factors like “Phillips” and “Flat-head”, these shapes don’t have nearly enough points. Apple devices are held together by the “pentalobe” screw. Which looks like this –

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I’m sure Apple will send a bill for using this image…

If you think that’s ridiculous, heed this – there are 3 sizes, the smallest being about the size of a syringe needle. Gawk –

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I’m sure Apple will send a bill for using this image…
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I’m sure Apple will send a bill for using this image…

I had in my possession the smallest of the three, having purchased a set for tinkering with another friend’s iPhone 5. I don’t know why I was surprised, but that one didn’t fit the screws of the MacBook. So I ordered the next size up.

The next obstacle will be finding an adapter for the 16+12 pin (I assume, course I wouldn’t be surprised if the SSD is connected to the motherboard via magic spaghetti) PCIe adapter for the PCIe  (read: NOT SATA) SSD.

Long story short, the @$$clowns at Apple use proprietary components wherever they can, to prevent nerds like me from fixing it and taking money out of their deep pockets. The MacBook owner tells me they wanted $750 just to look at it! I guess I’d charge that too if I had no competition.

What’s more, iPads are held together by &$*%ing glue! My darling child, upset about how clear the “retina” display on this iPad Mini was,  exacted screen shedding vengeance. Witness the carnage –

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Just needs a good wipe down…

I thought I’ve already got the special screwdriver, this’ll be a snap. A thorough inspection of the device revealed no screws, leading me to the premature conclusion that it was held together by magic or the sheer willpower of Apple executives. Upon further examination, I discovered that, indeed, it was held together by glue. In order to gain access to the innards, the pulp of this Apple of you will, one had to acquire a heart gun or, in a pinch, blowdryer to melt the glue. Of course, before you pry it open, you must speak the sacred words “Klaatu Barada Nikto”  lest am army of uberhip, coffee bar adolescents descend upon you and dance your face off.

I’m gonna film my excavation of the MacBook -I’ll post it here later this week.

FIN

@JARRETTLWILSON

Where is Grammarland at? :P and State of the Art BO Defense

TBI is…Topics Bereft of Independence – There are many topics on my mind other than surgeries and hemorrhages. Problem is, most of these topics won’t provide enough content on their own.

What am I to do? Do I allow these topics, brief as they might be, to die and rot like so much roadkill?

 

NYET! I’ve saved all this stinking detritus and will now empty it into your head like so much garbage truck dumping its refuse at the dump.

 

That’s right, I pretty much just said your brain is like a big heap of stinking trash.

 

Speaking of things that belong in the trash, and not in a travel mug approaching your mouth, I made the mistake of mixing honey with black tea.

 

I don’t know what made me think this combination would taste good (it was probably Satan). I take that back, it tasted “great”; by “great” I mean it tasted like bug guts sandwiched between two pieces of sadness.

 

This traumatic experience and my love of words lay together and conceived a new word, this word was officially birthed on July 13th on the Twitter. It read thusly –

Hoblate (Ho-blah-tey. Honey+Black Tea)-A very bad combination.

Hoblate eg

Dude: I’ll wear brown shoes, black slacks, brown belt & blue sport jacket to the wedding. ok?

Gal: How hoblate! That doesn’t match.

 

I redeemed myself a few days later with a scrumptious combination of cinnamon, honey, peanut butter & blackberry jelly (cinhopeabublajel). This happywich tastes like rainbow guts (I assume they’re pretty tasty) sandwiched between two pieces of happiness.

 

The above information, when considered a particular way, can be considered data. When you read that last word, how did you pronounce it? The correct pronunciation is “DAY-TUH”. If you pronounce it “DADDUH” you are wrong and you have my scorn.

 

The only thing that insults my ears more than “DADDUH” is when someone asks me where someone/something is at.

 

It upset me to write the above sentence for demonstration purposes. For those of you who don’t know, ‘at’ is a preposition and prepositions can not end a sentence.

 

When someone says this a fairy dies in grammarland; when I hear it, I feel like I’ve become a little less intelligent.

 

Finally, we come to a topic that’s been weighing heavily on my mind. I speak, of course, of the “technology” employed to improve the stink fighting power of deodorant. Take a look at this picture –

Armpit funk has met its match – technology
Armpit funk has met its match – technology

The stick on the left is more technologically advanced because of the “Fresh Defense Technology”.

When I think of technology, I think of the wheel and computers and phones and blinking indicator lights, not scented goop that I smear on my armpits.

I suppose the marketing guys thought more people will buy their deodorant if they clearly labeled how technologically advanced it is. The following monologue might play out in a discerning consumer’s head –

Maybe I should get Speed Stick. *Reaches for Speed Stick* Wait! I’ll be stinking in a matter of minutes with its outdated stink fighting technology! *Quickly pulls hand away* If only there was a stick with the technology to defend my freshness. *Eyes zero in on Mitchum Professional Strength* BINGO! What a relief!

Later, another savvy consumer goes looking for deodorant. I wish girls couldn’t smell in the third dimension, most deodorants nowadays only eliminate odors in two dimensions. You’d think that one of these companies would capitalize on the fact that no other brand offers odor defense in all three dimensions. *Eyes widen, throat squeals with delight* Holy sh*t! Right Guard answered my prayers! No more “I’ll go out with you when your third dimension doesn’t smell like bug guts sandwiched between sadness.”

I should mention that the only “technology” mentioned on most anti-perspirant/deodorant is focused on the deodorant. It seems that anti-perspirant “technology” has plateaued.

I will now close the gate on the garbage truck that is my thoughts. Hopefully, you have the technology to defend against the smell 🙂

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

I Still Love Technology, but Not as much Cleaning, You See; Always and Forever

I’m going to be pretty busy tomorrow, so I’m counting this as my Tuesday blog. I might still post something tomorrow, BUT I PROMISE NOTHING!

TBI is…Tidy up Break from my Investigation. I’m almost ashamed to admit this. I’ve been studying (“investigating”) for the A+ certification exam for the past few days. What is A+? It’s a certification that says that I am qualified for handling/troubleshooting the common technology of today. Easy enough for a guy like me, right? Actually, no…there are plenty of questions about not so modern technology and details about modern technology that would bumfuzzle even the nerdiest of nerds.

First off, there are questions that I do know, such as, “What is your name?” I should get that one correct.

There will also be questions like, “A client just got a computer with an AGP slot and would like to know what it’s for, what will you tell the client?” I can’t write in an answer, but I’d put something like this if I could – “I’d go back in time and tell this person not to buy the computer because AGP (Accelerated Graphics Port) is outdated. I’d then advise this person to buy a computer with a PCI express x16 slot.” The answer to this question is something like, “It’s an expansion slot for video cards.”

The real difficulty comes in when they ask a question like, “Your computer needs RAM with 240 pins, what kind will you get?” I know what you’re saying, “It’s DDR3, you dunce!”…

Seriously, look at all the notes I’ve taken –

IMAG0828

Most of these are front and back with another notecard stapled to the back. I should note also that THERE ARE TWO FRIGGIN TESTS! The notes you see here are only for the first test.

I’m getting off track here, the point is that I’ll be studying pin counts and sockets and whatnot for a few hours and think I could use a study break.

Then I start thinking about all the wonderful things I can do for a break – play video games, watch tv, read a magazine.

For whatever reason, none of those sound as appealing as *cue dramatic voice* CLEANING!

What’s worse is I’ll get so into cleaning, the cleaning and the studying switch roles – I’ll clean for a few hours, then think I better take a study break.

 

FIN

@JarrettLWilson