Where is Grammarland at? :P and State of the Art BO Defense

Posted by

TBI is…Topics Bereft of Independence – There are many topics on my mind other than surgeries and hemorrhages. Problem is, most of these topics won’t provide enough content on their own. What am I to do? Do I allow these topics, brief as they might be, to die and rot like so much roadkill? NYET! I’ve saved all this stinking detritus and will now empty it into your head like so much garbage truck dumping its refuse at the dump. That’s right, I pretty much just said your brain is like a big heap of stinking trash. Speaking of things that belong in the trash, and not in a travel mug approaching your mouth, I made the mistake of mixing honey with black tea. I don’t know what made me think this combination would taste good (it was probably Satan). I take that back, it tasted “great”; by “great” I mean it tasted like bug guts sandwiched between two pieces of sadness. This traumatic experience and my love of words lay together and conceived a new word, this word was officially birthed on July 13th on the Twitter. It read thusly – Hoblate (Ho-blah-tey. Honey+Black Tea)-A very bad combination. Hoblate eg Dude: I’ll wear brown shoes, black slacks, brown belt & blue sport jacket to the wedding. ok? Gal: How hoblate! That doesn’t match. I redeemed myself a few days later with a scrumptious combination of cinnamon, honey, peanut butter & blackberry jelly (cinhopeabublajel). This happywich tastes like rainbow guts (I assume they’re pretty tasty) sandwiched between two pieces of happiness. The above information, when considered a particular way, can be considered data. When you read that last word, how did you pronounce it? The correct pronunciation is “DAY-TUH”. If you pronounce it “DADDUH” you are wrong and you have my scorn. The only thing that insults my ears more than “DADDUH” is when someone asks me where someone/something is at. It upset me to write the above sentence for demonstration purposes. For those of you who don’t know, ‘at’ is a preposition and prepositions can not end a sentence. When someone says this a fairy dies in grammarland; when I hear it, I feel like I’ve become a little less intelligent. Finally, we come to a topic that’s been weighing heavily on my mind. I speak, of course, of the “technology” employed to improve the stink fighting power of deodorant. Take a look at this picture –

Armpit funk has met its match – technology
Armpit funk has met its match – technology

The stick on the left is more technologically advanced because of the “Fresh Defense Technology”. When I think of technology, I think of the wheel and computers and phones and blinking indicator lights, not scented goop that I smear on my armpits. I suppose the marketing guys thought more people will buy their deodorant if they clearly labeled how technologically advanced it is. The following monologue might play out in a discerning consumer’s head – Maybe I should get Speed Stick. *Reaches for Speed Stick* Wait! I’ll be stinking in a matter of minutes with its outdated stink fighting technology! *Quickly pulls hand away* If only there was a stick with the technology to defend my freshness. *Eyes zero in on Mitchum Professional Strength* BINGO! What a relief! Later, another savvy consumer goes looking for deodorant. I wish girls couldn’t smell in the third dimension, most deodorants nowadays only eliminate odors in two dimensions. You’d think that one of these companies would capitalize on the fact that no other brand offers odor defense in all three dimensions. *Eyes widen, throat squeals with delight* Holy sh*t! Right Guard answered my prayers! No more “I’ll go out with you when your third dimension doesn’t smell like bug guts sandwiched between sadness.” I should mention that the only “technology” mentioned on most anti-perspirant/deodorant is focused on the deodorant. It seems that anti-perspirant “technology” has plateaued. I will now close the gate on the garbage truck that is my thoughts. Hopefully, you have the technology to defend against the smell 🙂 FIN @JarrettLWilson

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s