Tag Blog, Part Eye Eye

…Just as Bender was telling Fry to bite his shiny metal ass, there was a knock at the door and the sound of someone dry heaving.

 

“Come in!” Shouted Zumba.

 

Schwarzenegger walked in, bumping his gratuitously tall hat on the doorway.

 

Mr.T followed meekly behind him, one hand wrapped around a bucket, the other holding his stomach. His eyes were watery and very bloodshot.

 

Zuma stuck out a hand, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. T.”

 

Mr. T’s cheeks puffed out, face turned green and quickly lowered his head into the bucket, “BWAAAAHHH!”

 

Mr.T heaved once more then stuck his hand out.

 

“Mistah T is getting vyorse by da minute. If we don’t hurry he might hyaf a brain heemrage and need brain surgery.” Schwarzenegger said grimly.

 

Mr. T pulled his head out of the bucket, “I pity da foo who needs brain surgery – they go through yerrs of physical therrapy.”

 

“Yes, nyeurosyurgery is sometheeng to avoid if yoo can.” Offered Schwarzenegger.

 

Mr.T started throwing up again. Schwarzenegger grabbed Zumba, “Aw yoo ready to go? A helicoptah eee waiting for yoo.”

 

“I’d like to finish my orange juice first if you don’t mind.”

Schwarzenegger flung him towards the sidewalk in front of his home and yelled, “I do mind! Now RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

OY! This story is running away from me, but I like where it’s going. Furthermore, I’m so busy that I’m contemplating giving up sleep. I’ve already given up eating and I’m fine; the purple leprechaun with the voice of Sean Connery assures me that I don’t need sleep either.

The LepreSean
The LepreSean

I told my neighbor about “LepreSean” and he said that I was hallucinating, that I should eat. I told LepreSean about this and said, “Thish ish intolerable…”I didn’t catch the rest because I passed out.

 

Anyway, my point is that I hope to have this epic tale of vomiting and the Rocky Mountain Aztec Gods tomorrow. Stay tuned!

@JarrettLWilson

Tag Blog, p.1

A+ certification Arnold Schwarzenegger aztec gods Botox Brain surgery causality cavernoma CompTIA Conditions and Diseases Dog double vision Family Futurama Germanfest Health hemorrhage Hobbit Home hot water heater Kurt Vonnegut Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine Mr. T Neurosurgery orange juice OWFI Physical therapy Recreation Rocky Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI Technology the big lebowski Tolkien Trauma and Injuries TRILS United States vomiting Zumba

The above words were on my “most used” tags a few months ago. Most of these I only used once, so I thought I’d bring them closer to a true “most used” by making up a story.

I started a story when I first checked the  the list – didn’t like it. As such, this is my second attempt at “tag blog”. There were a lot of people maimed and injured in the making of this blog, especially those who read it and didn’t audibly guffaw –

The Hobbit sat quietly at his computer studying for the CompTIA A+ exams. All of a sudden, he heard a hearty knock on his door.

He scampered down the hallway to the big round door, and opened it very cautiously. On his doorstep, he saw a very large man in a grey cloak and a matching tall grey cap. The man looked down at him and, in a very strong Austrian accent, asked “Aw yoo da hah-bit named Zoomba?”

The hobbit considered the hulking pilgrim in front of him. “I’m a hobbit, not a habit. And yes, my name is Zumba. Who are you?”

The man seemed pleased to hear this, replied, “I’m Schwarzenegger the Grey. I’ve come to ask yoo to help wit a special ehrind.”

Zumba invited Schwarzenegger inside to hear about the errand.

Schwarzenegger the Grey started telling Zumba about Mr. T and his terrible vomiting sickness. “Da Aztec gahds put a cyurse on Mistah T, now he has dah-ble vision and he throws ahp every 10 minutes.”

Zumba grimaced in disgust, “How can I help? I’m not a doctor.”

“I know dat. I read a book by Kyurt Vonnegut that said that hah-bits aw viery handy for special ehrinds, what wit yoor abilidy to turn inveezable.” Replied Schwarzenegger proudly.

Zumba looked at Schwarzenegger with confusion, “Sorry to tell you, but I can’t turn invisible. Also, you must be thinking of a book by JRR Tolkien, not Vonnegut.”

Schwarzenegger sighed, “Dat doesn’t mattah. Doo yoo hyaf any special pahwas?”

Zumba furrowed his brow in thought, “hmm…” He paced a few steps and suddenly stopped with a jerk. “I’m very good with technology and fixing hot water heaters. Do those count?” Zumba asked hopefully.

Schwarzenegger let out an even deeper sigh, “Dehr going to hyaf to count. Rocky already tyurned me down.

Pleased with his better than nothing status, Zumba asked, “What is the errand?”

“Yoo aw to accompany Mistah T to da yunited states to confront the Aztec Gahds dat poot da cyurse on heem.”

“Aren’t the Aztec Gods from Mexico?” Asked Zumba, puzzled.

Schwarzenegger nodded, “Dey decided dat Mexico was too haht, then moved to Denvah.”

Zumba tilted his head. Perplexed he asked, “Gods can do that?”

“Dey aw gahds, dey can doo whatevah dey want.”

Zumba considered this for a moment, then asked, “When do we leave?”

“I hyaf tah go get Mistah T, I left him at a jyermanfest bathroom, dehr weel be lots of people vomiting dehr, he’ll fit right in. I didn’t want heem to throw ahp all over your home.”

With that, Schwarzenegger got up and lumbered toward the door and pulled it open. Just before he walked out, he turned to Zumba and declared, “Al be back” and turned to leave.

Not wanting to be bored, Zumba quickly asked, “Do I have time for an episode of Futurama or Family Guy?”

But he was already gone…

To be continued…

@JarrettLWilson

Ink and Shake Aware OJ

I’ve already written too much for one blog, so I’ll make it into two (a bi-log)

A very special TBI is…

Tattoos on my Body about my Injourney. – I got another tattoo on Saturday, bringing the total to five. Three of these puppies have been inspired by my “injourney”. I’ll start with the two that I’ve already posted –

This here is Xipe Totec, Aztec god of sporks, Cajun food (I don’t know) and SATA cables (that’s right, the Aztecs had computers, and they preferred AMD). That’s all fine and dandy, he appears on my back because he is also associated with life, death, and rebirth. I consider my experience with brain surgery that kind of cycle – life = uhh, being alive; hemorrhage = death; surgery = rebirth.

 2012-06-05 15.59.05

This next ink is Hebrew for “holy sh*t, please stop. I’ve changed my mind.” Actually, it says “If you will it, it is no dream.” These words are credited to Theodor Herzl, an instrumental figure in the establishment of the state of Israel. I’m familiar with it because of Walter Sobchak – John Goodman’s  character in The Big Lebowski – the greatest film ever made (view it here). I chose this because I love the movie (obviously), and I got to a point in my recovery where I thought this is it, the Jarrett that is now is the Jarrett that will always be. In a way, that’s like giving up; I needed a permanent, extremely painful (seriously, tattoo on ribs = same class of ouch as shots in the foot(!). I thought about getting surgery to become an android, but the doctors tell me they can’t do that yet (amateurs!). The only other option was to get a tattoo.

 2012-12-12 16.50.31

The newest addition is Huitzilopochtli – Aztec god of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, air mattresses and staplers. He is also the god of journeys, I couldn’t find anything for god of injourneys (damn you, Wikipedia! Why have you forsaken me?).

IMAG0795

Being the politically correct liberal that I am, let me go ahead and say that my descriptions of the gods were not meant in any way to disparage or insult the Mesoamerican culture.

I don’t want my other tattoos to feel left out. This will give rise to yet another TBI is…

Tattoos not Bearing upon my Injourney –

I’ll start with my very first tattoo – a dragon on my ankle.

IMAG0799

It represents my fiery hot zest for life. That’s a lie. It represents “I’m 18, have graduation cash to burn and happen to be in Dallas”. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I don’t think it’s ugly, but I hate the fact that it has no real meaning and it occupies an easily concealable tattoo spot.

This next tattoo – the likeness of Philip J. Fry from Futurama displays my more playful side –

just Fry

I know the image is a popular MEME, and it has been mistaken as a MEME, Futurama and I go back a ways, so it’s oh so much more than an overused picture and a clever saying. To prove it to you, I can tell you that the line was uttered (“that dog won’t hunt, monsignor”) by Fry after learning that he doesn’t get the military discount on his ham flavored gum (which turned out to be all bones) in “War is the H-Word” – eighth episode of the second season (not too sure on the season, but the rest is accurate).

And now, page 2 –

A few months ago, I started a serial (mmm…serial) called “”Timesavers””; one set of quotations is to denote that it’s a title, the other set is to show that, though they are conceived in my mind as saving time, they really make me seem crazier and prodigiously nit-picky. I had a “time-saving” episode on Saturday morning so desperately nit-picky that I just had to share it. I tried to make it a TBI is…, but Torange Buice Iroutine is a bit confusing.

Listen, I have a glass of orange juice every morning. On Saturday morning I was running late for…being early to…play video games and it occurred to me that I had to shake the orange juice to awaken the flavor and activate the vitamins and whatnot. Taskmaster Jarrett piped up, “we’re missing precious game time, you don’t need to shake it this time.” The other parts of me rose up in disagreement, “The shaking must be observed!”

While this battle raged in my head I walked to the cabinet to get a glass. Upon procuring said glass, Taskmaster Jarrett calmly offered a compromise, “I know, you can shake the glass on the way to the fridge.”

More ludicrous than the thought of shaking an empty glass was the fact that, before really thinking about it, I did it for a second or two. Not sure what I thought would happen – perhaps the shaken glass will reverberate when the juice is poured into it; or perhaps the juice, once it enters the glass it will sense the previous shake and say, “Darn, now I have to taste good and be nutritious! I was sure that, due to the lack of shaking, the lack of vitamin C would give him scurvy.”

FIN

@JarrettLWilson