There is a blight upon the lexicon of our time! Read on and I’ll literally tell you what I mean.

Listen, my daughter watches a TON of YouTube. Bad parenting? Probably. Germane to this blopic (blog+ topic)? Only concerning my exposure to what I shall term “secondhand lexico-hyperbolitis”.

This is a debilitating disorder of the speech center of the brain, literally. You may have this disorder if you’re compelled to preface lackluster occurrences with the word “literally”. For example, “the cup I use to scoop out dog food disappeared, I literally had to get another one.”

Another symptom is a lack of proper respect for the hierarchy of “super” adjectives. Submitted for your approval, internet – here’s how I would order superlative adjectives; I’ll use donuts as a reference

Glazed “pretty good”
Chocolate “good”
Maple “Really good”/“Great”
Blueberry cake “awesome”
Cinnamon roll “totally awesome”/ “awesome to the max”
Chocolate cake “Murica!”
Maple cake “transcendent”
Old fashioned “restaurant quality”
Chocolate old fashioned “epic”



Of course, the ranking of donuts is open for debate, but I think we can all get behind the classification system. I’d like to note that “epic” is not my choice to describe the very best. I have always liked “restaurant quality”.

No matter what your word for the apex of quality, the notion that something could be so sweet necessarily requires that one be selective when classifying stuff. In other words, if everything is “epic”, is anything truly “epic”?

Let me slow down, my mind is literally flooded with righteous indigtation (indignation + dictation). To be clear, this is a treatise against the hyperbolic terminology literally soiling the garden of agreeable discourse in America today. Even, the book that literally contains all the words (epic feat, no?) has recognized this egregious trend (LINK).

Is “literally” being used incorrectly? Well, yes and no – lists the following definitions/examples for “literally” –

  1. in the literal or strict sense: She failed to grasp the metaphor and interpreted the poem literally.

e.g. What does the word mean literally?

  1. in a literal manner; word for word:

e.g. to translate literally.

  1. actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy:

e.g. The city was literally destroyed.

  1. in effect; in substance; very nearly; virtually:

e.g. I literally died when she walked out on stage in that costume.

It is my understanding that literally is most effectively used when referring to a strange/very rare occurrence. Such as, “Trump literally made a good point”. Another is to show exaggeration. Example, “I literally shat myself when he did the bit about the unicorns with toilet wands for a horn.”

I’m seeing and hearing a lot definition #3 mixed with #4; i.e. prosaic occurrences described as if it started raining money.

Here is a test, dear reader, that you might find out if you suffer from this heinous malady. Which of the following statements can “literally” be most appropriately applied to (assume that the occurrence described happened exactly as it is…uhh, described) –

  1. The bacon was on the skillet so long it got burned
  2. That lion tore that gazelle’s throat out and ate it.
  3. Jimi Hendrix makes the guitar sing
  4. I barfed when I saw the new iPhone

Answer key:

  1. Not necessary
  2. Not necessary
  3. Appropriate to exaggerate Hendrix’s skill (Jimi Hendrix literally makes the guitar sing)
  4. Appropriate when thinking about an iPhone – new or old. (I literally barfed when I saw the new iPhone).

Scoring –

If you thought it ok to put “literally” on either of the first two, you have a mild case of lexico-hyperbolitis and must memorize and practice using very bland adjectives like – “kinda cool”, “it’s OK”, “Meh” and “not bad” to temper your sensationalist tendencies.

If you think they all could benefit from this most malevolent term, you are (literally) about to drown in a mire of embellishment, a hypoolbole if you will. Your only hope is total sensory deprivation and the prohibition of the use of all adjectives. For instance, let’s say Steven Seagal shows up at your door one morning with some hot flapjacks and says he wants to give you free ass-kicking lessons. Your first reaction might be “THAT’S AWESOME!” If you would purge yourself of lexico-hyperbolitis, your reaction would be pared down to “THAT’S!” or “THAT IS!” if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

Seagal Pancakes

Ok, that’s what I think about the word “literally”, if I hear it again I will have a cowdog (literally).






I was on the Bookface recently and had a moment of clarity. I was commenting about how it was raining…AGAIN!  Being the risk-taking maverick that I am, I attached a comment about Lent. It reads thusly –

“Oh look. It’s raining. Side note – surely Jesus had ONE thin mint during those 40 days in the desert here. That gets me to thinking – I wonder if “desert” and “dessert” are so closely related because people often give up sweets for lent.”

I thought it might be time for some fun facts about lent, dessert and the desert. Firstly, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I’ve always been curious about the word “Lent”. I thought for sure it was Latin for “deprivation” or “control yourself”.

Turns out it means “spring”. Here, this guy says it better “The word Lent itself is derived from the Anglo-Saxon words lencten, meaning “Spring,” and lenctentid, which literally means not only “Springtide” but also was the word for “March,” the month in which the majority of Lent falls.”*

For those pagans out there who don’t observe the Catholic faith, Lent is a period, lasting roughly 40 days, of austere prohibition of some desirable item or activity. I didn’t know there was a debate on this, but some religions say Lent is 40 days, others say 44, some say it when they talk about letting people borrow stuff in the past tense (i.e. I Lent Jasper my copy of National Enquirer, he wanted to read the article about the talking alien space dog that came to warn us that his owners were planning to invade earth); also “lent” is a mispronunciation of the furry stuff in your pockets after getting them out of the dryer…

…Moving on…

… This is done in observance of Jesus’s 40ish days of prayer and contemplation in the desert (or wilderness, depending on who you’re talking to, I saw an enterprising article use the term “desert wilderness”, I think I’ll go with that); and what distracts you from prayer and contemplation more than eating?

One consumable that can really spoil even the most meditative mood is dessert. Armed with that knowledge and the fact that dessert is only one letter removed, I had to dig deeper. Turns out,
“dessert” and “desert” are both French.

“Dessert” is derived from the French desservir, a compound of des, or “removal”, along with servir, which means “perform complex calculations while wearing a shako”…errr…It simply means “to serve”.

In essence, dessert is literally “to remove that which was served”. You might also say it is “deserved” – but that is a horse of a different color.

Before this lexplanation (oooh, I like that) gets overlong, let’s have a look at desert.

Checking multiple sources, it seems that desert ultimately stems from the late Latin desertum, or “thing abandoned”. It also meant “neuter” as a noun in the past participle. What does that mean? As much of a grammar Nazi as I am, this one is tricky. I’m going to hide behind the nuances of language and say that an English translation is not grammatically possible.
If anyone out there can use desert to mean neuter as a noun in past participle, feel free to comment and rub it in my face.

How do these words relate?


Dessert is literally clearing the table, essentially turning the table into a desert, devoid of any and all sustenance. As such, to have dessert is to create a desert. Moreover, deserts have been cleared of all things that might be considered sustenance, therefore the desert is the earth’s dessert. This means that the two words, in either context, are interchangeable.

For instance –
Cake enthusiast after dinner: “Where’s the cake? The table is a dessert.”
Crotchety grandma: “Quiet you, desert is on the way!”




Terd Compendium v2.0

Over the next few days, I’ll be posting the totality of my “Terds”. For those of you who don’t know what a “Terd” is, it’s a term formed from two or more words – term+word=Terd. Definitions and examples are pretty compact to meet with Twitter’s character limit – I’ve embellished a few. The very first Terd, tweeted way back in two ought twelve is “bangry”, I’ll reprint the explanation here –

“Bangry” is the lovechild of bored and angry. The library lady where I work was telling a story about her mom being “bored and angry”. I conceived “bangry” on the spot. Here’s how it is used – let’s say you’re a dude, and your girlfriend drags you to a girlie play that you have no interest in. You’re already angry for having to go and now you have to watch a boring play. The artsy emo chick at the concession booth who wants a part in the play, but doesn’t get one so she works the concession booth to be “close to the magic,” asks how you are doing. You reply, “I’m bangry.” With the time you saved from saying one word instead of two, you’ll be able to get back to your seat in time for the second half of the play. Doing this will certainly make you “bangrier” (or would it be “more bangry”?).

This and more silliness was originally posted HERE.

I’m not sure how many there are, but I’m sure it’s somewhere between one and 794,152.
Though each one is my favorite in its own way, I’ve selected five “super – favorites” for your immediate perusal. They appear at the top of the list, set apart by a *. If you think you can do better with a definition and/or example, have at it. Twill be a “terd-off” for the ages!


Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”


*Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity


Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet


Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!


Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner


Nearoticked off (Near+Erotic+Ticked off): To be so close to getting turned on then get seriously upset for not getting over the hump

Nearoticked off eg

Bouncer: What’s wrong with him?

Stripper: His wife called while I was giving him a lap dance- killed the mood. Now he’s nearoticked off


Therorist (Therapist+Terrorist): A therapist that uses very grueling methods

Therorist eg

Therapist: 70 more lunges to warm up, then we’ll get started

Patient: You’re not a therapist; you’re a therorist


Theoreimburse (Theory+Reimburse): A loan that the lender assumes will be repaid, but the lendee sees as a gift

Theoreimburse eg

Lender: You ever gonna pay me back the money I loaned you for the toilet wand?

Lendee: In theoreimburse


Oughtamobile (Oughta+Automobile): A car with a passenger full of suggestions

Oughtamobile eg

Mom: You oughta take main st., we’ll get to Ikea quicker

Kid: Mom, this is MY car, not an oughtamobile!


Titerature (Tits+Literature): Any part with words in a dirty magazine

Titerature eg

Guy: Why does Playboy print so many words? I just wanna look at the pics

Dude: You’re missing out on some fine titerature


Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner


Bramp (Bra+Cramp): An unpleasant sensation caused by a bra

Gal: Why you walking all crooked? Your back hurt?

Girl: No. Have a wicked bramp


Antichrist Tea (Antichrist+Iced tea): Iced tea that tastes so bad, it’s evil

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!


Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity


Plissant (Pleasant+Pissant): A very likable waste of space

Plissant eg

Mom: OMG! Our son charged those beautiful flowers he sent for mother’s day to the credit card

Dad: What a plissant!


Foolfilling (Fool+Fulfilling): Tip live up to a reputation for being unintelligent or ignorant

Foolfilling eg

Dude: What’s Kip doing in your car with that can of spinach?

Gal: A sign at school says “Can food drive”, he’s testing it out

Dude: How foolfilling!


Mechan’tic (Mechanic+Can’t): A car repairman that gives up too easily

Mechan’tic eg

Wife: What did the mechanic say?

Man: He said it’d be too hard to fix

Wife: More of a mechan’tic if you ask me


PiPhone (Pi+iPhone): Nickname for someone’s phone when you can only recall 3 or so #s

PiPhone eg

Dude: …give him a call, his # is 314…uh…

Gal: Must have a piPhone


Hemordroid (Hemorrhoid+Android): An Android phone that’s a real pain in the ass

Hemordroid eg

Guy on phone: …but that sure is a nice ski… hello? Damn hemordroid always dropping calls!


Democrap/Repooplican (Democrat+Crap/Republican+Poop): A politician who’s full of shit

Democrap/Repooplican eg

Guy: Senator Smith is full of shit, he must be a democrap

Gal: Actually, he’s a repooplican


Cosmopolitent (Cosmopolitan+Tent) 1.A really swanky camping setup or, 2. A trashy house with a few fancy features.

Cosmopolitent eg 1

Dude: I want your finest cosmopolitent

Salesman: This tent comes equipped with a butler, bidet and central heating and air

Cosmopolitent eg 2

Gal: These red velvet drapes are really fancy

Chick: Thanks, I needed something to match the rust on the car on the lawn


Vapornography (Vapor+Pornography): Dirty magazines and/or videos that turn in a cloud of vapor when a gf or parent is near

Vapornography eg

Ad in porno mag

Don’t you hate it when your girl or parents walk in on you when you’re watching porn? Avoid those awkward moments with vapornography.


Spowel (Sports+Towel): A towel acquired at a sporting event

Spowel eg

Gal: How was the game?

Guy: Awesome! But I’m exhausted. Every time they scored I vigorously flailed my spowel


Modulard (Modular+Lard): Pockets of fat that seem to exist independently from where day would normally be

Modulard eg

Dude: Is that guy hiding a football under this armpit? BY

Gal: I don’t think so – looks like modulard


Dirge-gerbil (Dirge+Gerbil+Dirigible): 1. A funeral song for a departed pet gerbil 2. A gerbil shaped airship that plays laments

Dirge-gerbil eg 1

Priest: Nibbles was a noble companion right up until his death by eating pencil shavings. His owner, Mick has prepared a dirge-gerbil in his memory

Dirge-gerbil eg 2

Dude: Holy shit! There’s a giant gerbil in the sky!

Guy: It’s just a dirge-gerbil, dude. Some rich guy’s gerbil must’ve just died


Primpropiety (Primp+Impropriety): A faux pas caused by untimely or unwarranted grooming

Primpropiety eg

Teacher 1: I got on to Amy AGAIN putting on makeup in class

Teacher 2: Yeah, I wrote her up for primpropiety last week


Inadvortentous (Inadvertent+Portentous): To unwittingly commit a previously declared act

Inadvortentous eg

Guy: Why does Amy smell like puke?

Dude: Dan puked on her. He said he was going to party til he pukes. Proved to be inadvortentous


Jackasset (Jackass+Asset): A screw-up that somehow manages to be useful

Jackasset eg

*Tire shop*

Guy: I told new guy to order 10 sets of tires.  Moron ordered 100. Good thing that nail truck spilled nails all over the hw.

Gal: What a jackasset!


Faminspiration (Famine+Inspiration): An extended period of creative drought

Faminspiration eg

Dude: Hey Jarrett, your last couple of terds sucked and you skipped a few days

Jarrett: Sorry, dude. I’m in the midst of a faminspiration


Zeppelinfallible ((Led) Zeppelin+Infallible): Term that describes a band that, like Led Zeppelin, is incapable of making bad music

Zeppelinfallible eg

At concert

Dude: I love this song! Aw fuck, I love them all!

Guy: No shits, dude. These guys are zeppelinfallible!


Crapplication (Crap+Application): An app that tells you the appropriate cuss word (crap, shot, poo, etc.) for a given situation

Crapplication eg

*Meteor hits car*

Owner: …

Dude: Can’t think of an expletive? There’s a crap(plication) for that


Osamama (Osama(Bin Laden)+Mama): A mother so strict, it borders on terrorism

Osamama eg

Guy: Comin to the game tonite?

Dude: Can’t. I came in late last nite, so my osamama slashed my tires


Girthday (Girth+(Birth)Day):1. A very long day on your birthday, or

2.A long day that promises to stretch on longer

Girthday eg 1

Gal: Why the long face? Shouldn’t you be happy on your bday?

Chick: Kim called in sick. I hafta work a double. This is the worst girthday ever

Girthday eg 2

Gal: Is it 5 yet?

Guy: Not even close, and we still need to fill out our TPS reports

Gal: What a girthday


Incommode (Income+ Commode): Term for a shitty thing to spend money on

Incommode eg

BF: Why’s my bank account only have $11?

GF: I invested your paycheck into some vintage beanie babies

BF: In the incommode, gotcha


Austeerie (Austere+Eerie): Oddly strict #grounded

Austeerie eg

Gal: Wanna come over?

Chick: Can’t. Grounded for using the wrong fabric softener

Gal: How austeerie


Paradoxymoron (Paradox+Oxymoron): A contradiction of contradictions

Paradoxymoron eg

Dude: I need a Pepsi

Guy: You don’t NEED a Pepsi, you WANT a Pepsi

*buys Pepsi*

Dude: I didn’t NEED a Pepsi, yet I got one – a catch-22

Guy: And you lied about needing a Pepsi, yet you ended up with one. Liar paradox

Dude: A paradoxymoron to be sure


Apologeez (Apologies+ Geez): An apology given after an accusatory rant

Apologeez eg


BF: My apologeez


Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo


Comma Sutra (Comma+Kama Sutra): Sex session separated into two parts

Comma Sutra eg

Gal: Where are you going? We aren’t finished yet

Dude: We’ll finish later. I’ve been reading the Comma Sutra


Throatmeal (Throat+Oatmeal).n: Vomit

Throatmeal eg

Dad: Why’s there oatmeal all over the table?

Mom: It WAS oatmeal. Jr puked – now it’s throatmeal


Farticipation (Fart+Participation).n: An instance when passing gas is an individual’s only contribution.

Farticipation eg

Teacher: Does anyone recall the significance of the battle of Saratoga?

Kid: *pfft*

Teacher: Thank you, Sam, for your farticipation


Condomnation (Condom+Condemnation): Unjustly made to wear a condom

Condomnation eg

*couple bout to have sex*

Wife: You’ve a condom?

Hubby: Baby, we’ve been married for over a year! When’s this condomnation gonna end?


Flatulance (Flatulance+Lance): Violently smelly farts

Gal: Why is your nose bleeding?

Chick: My bf farted, I took a whiff & my nose started bleeding

Gal: Some dangerous flatulance!


Infamediocrity (Infamy+Mediocrity): Quality of being famous for behaving normally

Infamediocrity eg

Gal: Did you see the last episode of “World’s Best Vacuumer”?

Dude: Yeah, that Lisa chick is headed straight for infamediocrity


Algebrassierre (Algebra+Brassierre): A bra that’s very difficult to put on or take off

Algebrassierre eg

Chick: Girl, where IS your bra?

Gal: You mean my algebrassiere? Getting the damn thing to hook was like trying to solve balance complex equations.



Queasine (Queasy+Cuisine): Fancy, expensive food that causes nausea

Queasine eg

Dude: How’d the date go?

Guy: I bought her a $150 meal & she puked it all up

Dude: Must’ve been some fine queasine


Kleenexcavate/ion (Kleenex+Excavate): Using a tissue & finger to thoroughly probe and remove boogers from your nose

Kleenexcavate/ion eg

*Kid w/finger halfway up his nose*

Mom: Please wash your hands after you finish your kleenexcavation


8-bitch/ing (8-bit+bitch/ing): 1. A very unpleasant woman with blotchy makeup 2. A simple, 2 dimensional complaint

8-bitch eg

Gal: That hag with makeup like bozo the clown stole my parking space as I was pulling in

Chick: What an 8-bitch!

8-bitching eg

Dude: I hate republicans – they’re all too old and they have big noses

Guy: Dude! Quit your 8-bitching!


Pharmracist (Pharmacist+Racist): A pharmacist that judges the efficacy of a drug by it’s color

Pharmracist eg

Customer: Will this drug help my indigestion?

Pharmracist: Probably not, it’s purple. Now, if it was yellow…

Terd 12/8- Disclaimirth (Disclaimer+Mirth)


Nazima (Nazi+Noxzema): A very one-sided, unrelenting, yet effective pimple cream

Nazima eg

*TV ad*

Announcer: Once you try Nazima, YOUR FACE BELONGS TO NAZIMA! You’ll like it so much, your face will breakout worse if you stop!


Appulse (Apples+Pulse).n: When one is vitally tied to his/her iPhone

Appulse eg

Dude: What’s wrong with Dave?

Guy: He lost his iPhone, he has no appulse


Apostrophy Wife (Trophy Wife+Apostrophe): A wife that abbreviates/cuts everything short

Apostrophy Wife eg

At breakfast

Man: Where’s my coffee?

Wife: You weren’t done? I threw it out & cleaned the mug

Man: I always wanted a trophy wife, but an apostrophy wife…


Snow Dacation (Snow Day+Vacation): A series of 3 or more days off work/school due to snow

Snow Dacation eg

Kid 1: School’s been cancelled again!

Kid 2: SWEET! That’s 3 days straight! This is turning into a snow dacation


Voluntold (Volunteer+Told): 1. v. Appointing a volunteer when no one volunteers. 2.n. A person who has been voluntold.

Voluntold eg 1

Mr. Lee: May I have a volunteer to solve the problem on the board?

Ok, Brad, c’mon up.

Kid: Brad got voluntold!

Voluntold eg 2

Brad: …then he said “may I have a volunteer that can do it right?”

Passerby: You musta been one of Mr. Lee’s voluntolds


Deatconstruct/ion (Deconstruction+Eat): Taking something apart by eating it

Deatconstruct/ion eg

*Couple builds a gingerbread house*

Girl: Should we eat it now?

Man: Let the deatconstruction begin!


Fumorous (Fume+Humorous): Describes something so funny that it causes you to fart.

Fumorous eg

Dude: …I said ‘no, but that’s a nice ski mask!’

Guy: BAHAHA *pfft* that’s quite fumorous


Sargasm (Sarcasm+Orgasm): When one reaches the apex of witty commentary

Sargasm eg

Dude: …then I said ‘so’s your face!’

Gal: BAHAHA! What did he say to that?

Dude: I think I had a sargasm, we just cuddled & smoked


Underwherewithal (Underwear+Wherewithal): A disturbing awareness/knowledge of other people’s underwear

Underwherewithal eg

Guy: OY! My boxers are itchy today

Gal: That’s bc Hanes uses subpar cotton from southern India

Guy: That’s some powerful underwherewithal


Hardcordio (Hardcore+Cardio): A very intense aerobic workout

Hardcordio eg

Guy: Great workout today! Got my heart rate to 160

Gal: Dude! That’s hardcordio!


Zobot/Rombie (Robot+Zombie): A machine or device that was thought to be dead, but starts working for no apparent reason

Zobot/Rombie eg

*Guy vacuuming*

Gal: Hmm, I thought the vacuum was dead

Guy: It has new life, it’s a rombie


Chowlenge (Chow+Challenge): 1. A seemingly insurmountable amount and/or variety of food 2. An eating competition

Chowlenge eg 1

Waiter: …if you eat 10 wings with chocolate habenero sauce, you get your pic on the wall!

Guy: Now that’s a chowlenge!

Chowlenge eg 2

Dude: I bet I can drink more sausage gravy than you

Guy: Is that a chowlenge?


Endorkins (Endorphins+Dork): Chemical in the brain that makes one more nerdy

Endorkins eg

Gal: …the guy said I needed a better anti-virus and Malwarebytes

Guy: PC talk always gets my endorkins going

Poupon (Poop+Coupon): 1. A stinky (worthless) coupon 2. A coupon for toilet paper 3. A turd that’s paper thin from being stepped on so many times

Poupon eg 1

Checker: For being such a valued customer, here’s a coupon for .25 off an iPad air.

Gal: I don’t need that poupon, thanks

Poupon eg 2

Gal: Jesus! This toilet paper is $9 for 2 rolls!

Chick: I’ll check the paper for a poupon

Poupon eg 3

Dude: …that’s not shit, it’s a patch of mud

Guy: No, dude. It’s a poupon. It’s been stepped on too many times


Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet


Mundayta(Monday+Mundane+ Data): Very boring information, usually received on a Monday

Mundayta eg

Boss: IT updated the system over the weekend. The default background is now cornflower blue

Guy: Thanks for the mundayta


Sexond (Second+Sex): Describes a very, very, very brief sexual encounter

Sexond eg

Bf: Can I get a little?

Gf: I need to go to work

Bf: C’mon it’ll only take a sexond


EureKOME ON! (Eureka+COME ON): Command shouted to get inspiration to get off her bitchass & enlighten you

EureKOME ON! eg

Inside Jarrett’s head

Need a terd for today…how bout hypnotaze? Ugh, that sucks. EureKOME ON!


Enlightning (Enlightning+Lightning): Inspiration’s volatile response to eureKOME ON!

Enlightning eg

Dude: Why is Mick all bloody?

Guy: He was having trouble writing a fight scene, he asked a MMA guy for some info. so he beat the shit outta him. Enlightning, no?


Briefrain (Briefs+Refrain): A cry of pain due to uncomfortable underwear

Briefrain eg

Dude: Hanes! Hear my briefrain! Would it that my briefs weren’t so tight that my balls wouldn’t feel as eggs in a vice!


Blowhards and the Trouble with Numbers

“What should I do is vigorously but that the I need to document the blowhard at the top of the ta the most everything will I think it worked think I have my homework to me thank you for your help in this rating is the latch on to you later out of the thing well us tells you so I happen to have some course as always get as summary etc. note that bag works like if I ever found something use IQ a stock of the spring is in the myelin this thing.”
– Me via Dragon Naturally Speaking
I’ve been under the employ of The Good Shepherd Community Clinic, Inc. (GSCC) for about two months now. This job requires that I type more.  Since manually, I type a keyboard scorching 5.3wpm, I use dictation software – Nuance’s Dragon Naturally Speaking. The above gibberish was recorded as I spoke to a coworker about my difficulties mounting a dry erase board in my office. Let me stop there and insert that the comments that follow are not meant to disparage Nuance or its fine product. Quite the contrary, the software increases my efficiency by 152% (give or take, that’s a guesstimate based on a number I pulled out of my bottom).
Let’s analyze this –
“I need to document the blowhard at the top of the ta” must mean…uhh, I got nothin’. You see, I’ve found that Dragon works best when it has a context. Given that fact, we must ask what was the context for “blowhard” and “ta”? Let’s get the official definition of “blowhard” from – “an exceptionally boastful and talkative person.” I can’t say I’ve recently encountered a blowhard, but maybe some stepped into my office while I was away and started bragging about ninja skills or some such nonsense. The next chance it got, Dragon told me to either –
1 Catch this windbag not on ta, but on top of a ta. What is a ta and how does one ascend one?
2 While on top of ta, document the activities of a blowhard.
What about
“note that bag works like if I ever found something use IQ a stock of the spring is in the myelin this thing.”
Again, let’s look at context. It starts of plainly enough, explaining how bags work best if you find something (in it? To put in it?). Wait, I’ve deciphered that part, bags work best when you use your IQ to determine what to stock in it – this is easiest in the spring. If you try it in the summer, fall or, God save us, the winter, you will surely stock the bag with the wrong stuff, then you’ll die poor and lonely. I’m not sure about the remainder of the composition, but Dragon must’ve keyed in on a brain/intelligence vibe owing to the word “myelin” or “a soft, white, fatty material in the membrane of Schwann cells and certain neuroglial cells: the substance of the myelin sheath.” The way I understand it, myelin is the insulation that conducts neurological activity through brain cells. In a manner of speaking, it’s like the outside shell of a subway train car; without it, the train would still get people/stimuli to they’re/its destination, but the cargo will be a bit frazzled when it gets to its destination.
My new job roxxorz my soxxorz. Basically, my job is to do everything that I enjoy doing and everything I went to school for. What makes it doubleplusgood is the work environment
Moving on; The GSCC has a strong focus on wellness and improving quality of life. As an employee, I’m encouraged to lead by example and choose a wellness goal or goals every week.
I’ve taken on a new vocation as development coordinator for a nonprofit clinic. We seek to spread wellness across our small community like so much chicken pox festering on the flesh of some unfortunate adolescent.
For my wellness challenge of late, I’ve chosen to write 750 words a week, THIS is word 50, fifty, making the number 50 the 53rd word, but it’s a number, so I’ll fix that. Now the problem is that the word ‘fifty’ is word #54. It has become a case of a number standing in for a word that is a number in a sequence of other words, and so on…
Moving on, my other wellness goal is to be more active with my left hand. Being as clever as I yam, I figured I’ll do them both simultaneously. As such, I’m doing that for tthis portion of the blog. From here on out, like in the previous ssentence, I’m going to leave mistakes – the spasticcitty often causes me to hit some letters twice.
The thing that irks me the most is that I started at about 8:45. It’s now 9:15. I’ve typed a whopping 158…one hundred fifty eight words, not counting the words (and number that counts as a word) after ‘whopping’. That’s a keybooard shredding 158 words/30 grueling minutes = 5.3 wpgm. I’ve found “active” to be especcially tedious – ‘a’ is typed by the left pinky, ‘c’ by the left middle, ‘t’ by the left index,a brief reprieve with ‘i’ on the right side, back to the left mifflr/index with ‘v’, and ginally ginish with ‘e’ with the left ring ginger.sq1e – almost dropped the keyboard. Ivan’t help but think of the symbology that “active” should be the most tiresome, when something like “difficult” id so much easier. I can’t take it anymore, I stop.



Preregistration – A Harmless Word, or a Blight Upon the English Language? You Decide.

So I’m driving home from the theatre (I seen Shawn the Sheep with Quinnchild, I highly recommend it. Riveting!) And I must’ve seen the word “register” or “registration” on a sign somewheres. The tunnels and wiring of my brain conspired that I should contemplate the term “pre-register”. Upon considering that lazy, ugly term, I was filled with a malice towards it that only myself and perhaps Merriam and Webster can experience (those poor saps have to see it in print and convince the world and themselves that it isn’t such an abomination, so it could be worse).

Moving on, my beef with that most heinous of contrived verbiage comes from the arrogance and presumption of its first use. I imagine it went something like this –

Yuppie business owner: There simply must be some way to sucker more money out of these proles. My cut from the $10 registration fee gross barely covers the gas to get here.

Yuppie volunteer lady : It’s a shame that we can’t charge for an interview.

Yuppie business owner: I KNOW! We’ll sell concessions.

Yuppie volunteer lady: Are you kidding? These people are so uptight and afraid for their job situation, they would sooner starve than risk staining their best clothes.

Yuppie business owner: Good point.

Yuppie volunteer lady: Here’s an idea – we’ll have an early registration period at regular cost, then the usual registration for $5 more. People will think they’re getting a deal for registering early, but they’re really paying full price and the rest are actually getting penalized!

Yuppie business owner: That’s splendid, Delia! We will have to rename it – “Early registration” sounds like registering early in the registration period. The common man is a sap for things cleverly titled. How about pre-booking?

Delia (yuppie volunteer lady): Heavens, Warren! We’re not taking bets, this isn’t a horse race! What about “pre-register”?

Warren (yuppie business owner): BINGO!…

Clearly, my hatred of this term has unbalanced my sense of comprehensive expression and caused me to meander through the blogging fields like a duckling that’s lost its mother. I’ll get straight to the point –
Listen, “pre-registration” is still registration. It’s just wrapped up to look like a special privilege.

It’s like warming up before playing a sport – if you get there earlier you still warm up, you just warm up longer. Maybe you’ll be more prepared than everyone else, but you still play in the same game as the rest of the guys.

I know I don’t have to justify this post, but I feel lousy about it. Thing is, I enjoy blogging and I haven’t felt inspired to write anything until “preregister” invaded my mind. So, here’s to a new beginning! Also, the Windows 10 upgrade takes FOREVER!



Terd Compendium v1.0

I like big words and I cannot lie; you other brothers can’t deny…I don’t think the rest of the lyrics will work, plus I don’t know them. You see, I like words and I like efficiency/brevity (breviciency?). These two thingies grew reproductive organs, knew each other, and birthed the concept of a “Terd”. Terd = Term+Word, 2 words to make a new term. This term is a paradox as it is composed of 2 words.They are presented here in the order in which they were born, which happened to be by date, reversally. For example, I’ve started with 7/26 (Obviously)

Terd of 7/26-Text Massage(Text Msg.+ Massage): Receiving so many texts in a short period that the vibration can be used for a massage

Text Massage eg Gal: Who keeps texting you? Guy: Does it matter? I’m getting a nice text massage

Terd of the day-Buzzled(Buzzed+Puzzled): When drinking, the point where you start feeling drunk & everything’s confusing

Buzzled eg *At restaurant* Dude 1: The check is $38.16. How much is 15% for tip? Dude 2: IDK, I’m all buzzled

Terd of 7/24-Amn’t(Am+not): Is not and are not get contractions, why not as not?

Amn’t eg Dude: You want to eat? Gal: No thanks, I amn’t hungry. Dude: I really amn’t either

Terd of 7/22-Toise(Twah-zey.Toys+Noise). Noise from toys that make it difficult to communicate

Toise eg Mom: Honey, will you come kill this gigantic spider? Dad: What? I can’t hear you over Junior’s Toise

Terd of 7/20 -Grammurder (Grammar+Murder): Writing with such poor grammar that the writer literally murders the written page.

Grammurder eg Dude: Did you read my short story? Gal: Good storyline but you grammurdered it.

Terd of 7/19-Tacknology(Tacky+Technology): Modern convenience that makes an already simple task more simple and makes you look ridiculous

Tacknology eg Guy: I got a helmet to control the cursor on a PC Gal: Looks like you’ve a satellite dish on your head. That’s some tacknology

Terd of 7/18-Nitwat(Nitwit+twat): A very unintelligent slut

Nitwat eg Gal 1: Pam has been sleeping with everyone w/o using protection since breaking up with Tom Gal 2: What a nitwat!

Terd of 7/13 – Hoblate (Ho-blah-tey. Honey+Black Tea)-A very bad combination.

Hoblate eg Dude: I’ll wear brown belt & shoes, black slacks & blue sport jacket to the wedding. ok? Gal: How hoblate! That doesn’t match

Terd of 6/29-Soysage (Soy+Sausage): Food that looks like sausage, and kinda tastes like sausage,  but is not made from meat

Soysage eg. Kid sits down for breakfast. Kid: This sausage tastes funny Mom: It’s vegetarian sausage.  It’s healthy Kid: *Gags* not soysage!

Terd of 6/22: ConNunchion (Connection+Nunchuck)-When your Wii can’t sense a nunchuck on your Wiimote.

ConNunchion eg. Guy: “My controller doesn’t work!” Friend: “You lost your Connunchion dude.”

Terd of .75 (3/4)-Funmer(Fun+Bummer)n:Happy/pleasant event that takes all the sadness/negativity from a scenario

Funmer eg Worker: I was having a perfectly miserable day until Mick brought some donuts for the break room Mate: What a Funmer, man

Terd of 3/2-Texacoma(Texaco+Coma):A catatonic state of shock resulting from hearing or seeing gas prices

Texacoma eg Brother: What ‘s wrong with Dad? Sister: He heard the price of diesel on the news and went into a texacoma

Terd of 2/27- Doormant(Doorman+Dormant): n. A lazy doorman

Doormant eg *Man carrying 2 kids* Doorman, please open the door Doormant:Sorry sir, I’m busy *turns back to “Jersey Shore”, eats some candy*

Terd 2/25-Injourney(Injury+Journey):1.Injury from a Journey/adventure 2.Injury caused by a journey/adventure

Injourney eg 1 Jarrett’s Injourney began after having a brain hemorrhagein May ’09

Injourney eg 2 Mick injourneyed to the toilet after taking a drink of tap water while on vacation in Mexico

Terd of 2/22-Sucksessful(Sucks+Successful): When you are very good at not doing well in your pursuits

Sucksessful eg Man:I lost another case, honey Wife:Another one? Man: Yep. I am the firm’s most sucksessful lawyer

Terd of 2/18-Failty(Fail+Fealty):To be loyal to failing, even in the face of imminent success

Failty eg Guy 1:DUDE! How did you fail?I gave you all the answers! Guy 2:I’ve been failing all year,why should I stop now?

Terd of 2/15-‘F’icacious(F word+Efficacious): Using the ‘F’ bomb to make something happen

F’icacious eg Gal 1: May I borrow your car? Gal 2: No Gal 1: May I borrow your f’n car? Gal 2: Ok

Terd of 2/13-Panegnacious(Panegyric+ Pugnacious): To exalt someone by assaulting him/her

Panegnacious eg Mick was so impressed by the candidate’s speech that after the event he gave him 2 black eyes and a punctured lung

Terd of 2/11-Amazombie(Amazon+Zombie):Person who mindlessly seeks merchandise on Amazon the way a zombie seeks brains

Amazombie eg Gal 1: Did you hear that Kelsi bought frozen burritos from Amazon? Gal 2: She is a total Amazombie

Terd of 2/9-Gregregious(Gregarious+Egregious):To be so sociable, it is offensive or annoying esp. w/social media

Gregregious eg FB Friend: Selling a record player? That really need to be a status update? How Gregregious

Terd of 2/8 -“On a droll” (On a roll+Droll): When a typically boring person becomes oddly humorous

On a droll eg Gal:The accounting stiff won’t stop with mustache jokes. He said covering TPS reports is a must-ache Guy: He’s been on a droll

Terd of the 2/6-Impotinent(Impertinent+Impotent): When it’s especially rude if/when a man can’t get it up

Impotinent eg Gal 1: So I do a striptease for this guy and he still can’t get it up! Gal 2: Some men are so impotinent

Irresistibullshit (Irresistible+Bullshit): A story or statement that is so preposterous, that you can’t possibly stop listening

Irresistibullshit eg BF:…Then the guy said he has herpes bc of his mustache, the girls love it GF: What a bunch of Irresistibullshit, tell me more

Terd of the Week 4-Somediquette (Social+Media+Etiquette): the rules, both tacit/overt, that guide behavior on social media sites

Somediquette eg Gal: You hear Kim’s bf dumped her by changing his fb status to single? Gal 2: OMG! He needs a Somediquette lesson!

Terd of 1/30 – Scisseared (Scissor + Ear): When your ear gets cut while getting a haircut

Scisseared eg Stylist 1: You make pretty good money today? Stylist 2: I was doing pretty well, until I scisseared my 3:00

Terd of 1/28 -Unsanctivity (Unsanctioned+ Activity): An activity/event one has to endure that is not on the agenda

Unsanctivity eg Driving to school Kid: Let’s stop for ice cream Dad: No way! We’re already running behind, ice cream would be an unsanctivity

Terd of 1/25 – Alharm (Alarm+harm): An alarm system that hurts you to remind you to do something

Alharm eg Gal: Sorry I’m late, I slept through my alarm Friend: Pain will wake you up, get an alharm

Terd of the 1/23 – Goone (Good+One): A faster way to compliment someone on a job well done

Goone eg 1 Guy telling joke:…No, but that sure is a nice ski mask *chortle* Listener: That’s a goone!

Goone eg 2 Dad: Bet you can’t hit me with a snowball Son winds up, hits him square in the balls Dad (gasping): goone son.

Terd of the 1/21-Quietc(Quiet+etc): The polite way to ask someone who has started to ramble to be quiet

Quietc eg Start topic:gun control Guy:…I explained that M&Ms taste the same regardless of color Gal:The hell you goin on about?Plz be quietc

Terd of 1/20-Impetumspect (Impetuous+ Circumspect): Thinking about committing a thoughtless act

Gal:I’ve considered the issues, I’m going to vote republican Guy:Republicans don’t think much. Seems Impetumspect

Terd of 1/18-Fotoe(Foe+Toe): An aching toe that causes you to walk funny

Fotoe eg *Man limps into room* Guy: Hurt your knee? Man: It’s my toe, it’s killin me! Guy: Sounds like a fotoe

Terd of 1/16-Blallpoint/Blullpoint pen(Black/Blue+ ballpoint pen): uhh…do I need to explain this one?

Blallpoint/Blullpoint eg Guy:Hand me a blallpoint pen, please *Gives him a blue pen* Guy:No! Not blullpoint! I need blallpoint!

Terd Of 1/15-Convertruder(conversation + intruder): person that starts the intersation (see previous Terd of 1/14)

Girl:…So I told the guy THE MUFFIN SHOP IS CLOSED! Convertruder: I LOVE muffins! Blueberry is my fave!

Terd of 1/14 – Intersation(interrupt+ conversation): New conversation that spawns from an interrupted conversation

Intersation eg Gal: …rash got so bad I had to take my dog to the vet Passerby: Ooh, I’ve a dog! Her name is Cleo

Terd of 1/12 – Divog(Diva+Dog): A dog that refuses to do something a dog should do. Variation: Prima Dogga

Divog eg Fido refused to go walking in the rain for fear that he would step in mud. Owner: “Fido, Stop being such a divog”

Terd of 1/11 – Perfert(Perfect+Pervert): A person who is flawlessly creepy and inappropriate

Perfert eg Girl 1:The old man at the register kept staring at your tits! Girl 2 Yeah! He still gave me correct change. What a perfert

Terd of the 1/10 – Moisterous (Moist+Boisterous): To become more obnoxious after getting wet

Moisterous eg After getting thrown in a pond, a moisterous Mick decided to give his elderly grandmother a noogie

Terd of 1/9 – Felying (Feline + Lying): Falsely accusing a cat

Felying eg Mom: Who left the back door open, and will help pay the electric bill? Kid: The cat Cat: *meow*

Terd of 1/7 – Daughtator(Daughter + Imitator): A mother who dresses and acts like her teenage daughter.

Daughtator eg Chick 1:Who’s the old lady in the skinny jeans walking around with Jamie? Chick 2:That’s Jamie’s mom – she’s a real daughtator

Terd of 1/6 – Populore(Popular+Lore): A legendary story (often fabricated) about how someone gained popularity

Populore eg Legend has it that Mick gained superstar status at his HS by renting the gym to the rotary club for a dance

Terd of 1/4 – Pondord(Ponder+Word): To take a moment to think of the right word

Pondord eg Terrified, Mick stopped and pondord for a moment to describe his gf’s new haircut w/o hurting her feelings

Terd of the Week 3-Traumedy(trauma+comedy): To sustain life-threatening injuries as a result of trying to be funny.

Traumedy eg *At a bar* Mick was telling the story of his gf’s sex fart. His gf walked by, overheard and punched him giving him a concussion

Terd of 12/31-Frusterical(Frustrating+Hysterical): Describes a situation that has become so frustrating, that one can’t help but laugh

Frusterical eg *Carwash* man repeatedly puts $1 in change machine,after 5th rejection – man laughs uncontrollably Observer:How frusterical!

Terd of 12/30-Castrgate(Castrate+Castigate):To reprimand a man so badly that his testicles fall off.

Castrgate eg Dude1:Melvin’s gf verbally attacked him for using the wrong detergent Dude2:Had he balls to start,they’d have been castrgated

Terd of 12/28: Beyawesome(Beyond+Awesome):Object/event so spectacular that it would be an insult to simply refer to it as “awesome”

Beyawesome eg *Two friends find a tree with money for leaves* Friend 1: This is so cool! Friend 2: Recognize, fool! This is beyawesome!

Terd of 12/26 -Scute(So + Cute): someone or something so precious, it’s description goes beyond typical levels of cute.

Scute e. g. Dude: That motorcycle is precious! Another dude: I agree. It’s scute!

Terd of 12/21-Lote(Love + Hate): To simultaneously loathe and adore someone or something

Lote eg Chick: That dress is so hot! But the coloring is all wrong! Another chick: I agree. I lote it!

Terd of 12/21: Treachicious (Treacherous+Delicious): A tasty food that’s somehow perilous to eat

Treachicious eg Dude:This is tasty! Chick:Careful.It’s poisonous if not cooked right Dude: It’s treacherous and delicious.It’s treachicious!

Terd of 12/19 – Beautrosity (Beautiful+ Monstrosity): A terrifying concept that’s still alluring

Beautrosity Ex. Some Dude: “Erica is weird looking but I can’t look away” Another Dude: “Sounds like she’s a real beautrocity

Terd of 12/17: Preydator: Prey + Predator. To hunt and be hunted at the same time.

Preydator eg Nature show-Minotaur creeps up on a unicorn.Leprechaun appears and eats him up. Narrator: “So it is for a common preydator”

Terd of 10/14: Prolastic:Protective+Plastic. *Man fussing w/plastic on coffeemaker* Wife:done?I want coffee. Man:Damn prolastic won’t come off!

Terd of 10/12: Threatertainment-Threat+Entertainment. Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”

Terd of 1/6-Populore(Popular+Lore):A legendary story (often fabricated) about how someone gained popularity

Populore eg Gal 1:Why is that ugly, smelly guy so popular? Gal 2:Rumor has it that he once drank some gas & farted a fireball

Terd of 1/2-Traumedy(trauma+comedy): To sustain life-threatening injuries as a result of trying to be funny

Traumedy eg The dorky teacher wanted to spice things up, he did the stanky leg to a song about biology. He fell and broke his hip

Terd of 12/9:”Sardy”- Sorry+Tardy. Example: Teacher:”You’re 3 min late, Mr. Student.” Student:”Sardy, Mrs. Teacher. I had to the pee.”

Terd of 10/7: “Illustrilist”. Lovechild of illustrious and list.Ex.: “This party has fancy guests.” “Yeah, it’s quite the Illustrilist.”

Terd of 10/6: “bangry”, the lovechild of bored and angry Ex.: “How do you feel about this play?” “It’s making me bangry”

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