Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

Life is filled with feelings. If one were so inclined, one might call these feelings “emotions”. Now, “emotions” is a blanket term encompassing everything from “happy” (i.e. the joy joy feeling when eating a donut), “mad” (the unjoy unjoy feeling when the donut shoppe (that’s right, not s h o p) doesn’t have any more maple cake donuts left. Grrr, hulk smash silly donut shoppe employee for being stupid!), and “sad” (the unhappiness resulting from the realization that you just finished your last donut).

There are more “emotions”, but I don’t care to list any more (however, I will tell you that me not caring = “apathy”)

In the time that has transpired since I last blogged, I’ve experienced many emotions. I thought I’d use my emotional status from the last month to guide this entry.

As previously mentioned, there are other “emotions”. This will be the start of a 40 part series (give or take) where I will explore “emotions” more fullier.

Let’s start with an event that made me happy (I believe it was Shakespeare that said “When thou dost bloggeth, thou shalt begin with merriment and mirth”) –

I’m now the proud owner of an AFO, or rather an “A Fancy Object”. But Jarrett! That’s not very clever! Why not “Awfully Farty Orangutan” or “Apple Fritter Oblivion”or some such display of wittiness?

Truth be told, I really tried to think of something better. Problem is, I’d think of something silly but couldn’t think of a believably funny way to explain it.

Instead I’m taking the easy way out and going with “A Fancy Object”. In effect, you can picture an AFO being whatever you think is awesome like so much Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase with the golden glow inside on Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction.

But what does AFO really mean, Jarrett? Ok, ok. AFO = Ankle Foot Orthosis. What’s an orthosis you ask? Let’s consult dictionary.com.

Me: Dictionary.com, what does orthosis mean?

Dictionary.com (voice of Sean Connery): Letsh jusht shee…aw! Saysh here that orthoshish ish “the correcshun of orthopedic maladjushtmentsh.”

Thank you, Sean!

“That’s mishter dicshionary to you, you handshum bausterd”

Eek, I think Sean Connery/Dictionary.com just made a pass at me.

Anyway, an AFO is a brace that goes on the lower leg and forces the knee to bend. Here is mine –

image

image

Do I walk more better/faster? Hmmm…honestly, I don’t think it’s anything noticeable, but I feel aches in parts of my leg that haven’t been used in a while, so I’d say, overall it’s a good thing.

Antwerp (I tried to swype ‘anywho’ and ‘Antwerp is what it came up with), many other things have made me happy; but I want to be happy about finally publishing a blog, so I’m gonna stop here.

What’s behind that friggin door?

UPDATE! The Skylander racket has sucked me in as well. It’s not enough that it sunk (sank? I know – saunk!) Retry – It’s not enough that it saunk it’s foul teeth into my beloved daughter, who now answers everything with “Skylanders.” For example –

Me: “Q, what would you like for dinner?”
Q: “SKYLANDERS!”

or
Me: “Q, does Lily (dog) need food or water?”
Q: *Stops playing Skylanders to check* “ugh, Skylanders.”

Anyway, the Skylanders racket is thus – beyond the innate need to diversify the gaming experience with more characters, said characters are divided into “elements.” Occasionally, a guy that reminds me of a skinny Santa Claus comes on and says “Skylanders of the [name of element] element are stronger in this zone.” In essence, the game is enhanced by possessing more elements. Near as I can figure, there are exactly n+1 elements, with n being the number of elements you have. This means that it is impossible to possess every element because if you do, your kid won’t be an icepick in your ear until you get him/her that last elusive element. Then, those assclowns at Activision might lose money and the employees might have to *gasp* drive domestic cars!

Anyway, I bring all this up because there are spots in the game where you have to have a character from every element to open a series of doors to get what I can only imagine are the winning lottery numbers. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT’S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FRIGGIN DOOR! It makes me think of the case in Pulp Fiction, you know it has something shiny and wonderful, but it never gets revealed.

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Eventually Has Happened!

Summer is upon us! This means several things: 1. Major retailers will be stocking Halloween merchandise (gotta stay ahead of the competition!), 2. People that are chumps are still working and, 2. The electric companies are really enjoying the heat. As intriguing as the first and last points are, let’s focus on the middle point. I’ve decided that blogging is something I’d like to do again now that I have more time. I say “again” when I never actually stopped, I put out a weekly blog full of invisible words on thatguyisfullofsh*t.com. I really enjoyed writing the one about                             it was a riot! I got 50 or so comments (I think?). Let’s get on with it shall we? Friday was the last day of work for the employees of Sherman ISD, with the previous day being the last day for the children. As such, SUMMER IS UPON US! You might be saying to yourself, I need to take out the trash, or perhaps, he already said that. My reply to this comment is twofold: 1. Stop talking to yourself, and 2. Go to work, chump 😛

It’s 11:45 on a Sunday and the Nazis at Albertsons won’t sell me beer until 12. Good for them, I’d phone up Barack Obama right away and tell on them. Are you waiting for me to mention something substantive about the Jarrett? I’ve decided to get into all that on the next entry. Do you know why I’ve made that decision? Because it’s my blog and I can do what I want, dammit. I will leave you with this – One of my jobs at the library was to keep track of the media (read: movies) that the teachers check out. At the end of the year I sent out a list of teachers that still had movies belonging to the library. Jarrett can’t just say “the following chumps need to return media to the library”. I concocted a story that ultimately had three parts. What follows is the first part of what has become known as the “Message from the Library” saga. Enjoy!

CONGRATULATIONS (INSERT NAME)! If you are reading this, you have been specially selected to read its contents! You see, there are several of you that still have DVDs or VHS tapes checked out from the library that have not been returned. We are nearing the end of the school year, and the spreadsheet that keeps track of all the media we have in the library just hates when the “check in” column is blank. In fact, the spreadsheet got so vexed it actually spoke to me. In a voice that sounded a lot like Sir Alec Guinness, the spreadsheet said, “Send forth an e-mail to all the pedagogues of the Piner Middle School reminding them to return all media to the Wilson forthwith! This must be done that the Cherry Bomb won’t rain down upon these pedagogues with great vengeance and furious anger!” Of this peculiar occurrence I had two thoughts: 1. How was my computer talking? Furthermore, why does it sound like Obi-Wan Kenobi? 2. Who uses the word “pedagogues” anymore? These concerns aside, I did as my computer instructed me in sending the list of those of you that have media that belongs to the library (so far as my records are concerned).

If you would like to know the name and type of media that I have you listed as possessing, use magic (i.e. the Internet/e-mail) to make a message pop up on my magical box (i.e. my computer) and I will let you know. If you feel that your name is on this list in error, it is most likely NOT the Wilson’s fault – I’m sure Mrs. *Redacted* is somehow to blame. Without further stalling for time, here is the list that I was ordered to send; if your name is on the list, this indicates that you have media that needs to be returned to the library. If your name is not on the list, you…uhh…don’t have media that needs to be returned to the library –

*NAMES REDACTED*

Contact me with all due haste if your name appears on the list above! If we don’t have all the media by June 1st, that media will spend a very lonely summer in your classroom!

May the Force be with You, Jarrett

@JarrettLWilson