Dialectical Menialisms (unofficial) IV: Posture

Let’s talk about posture…I got a new follower recently and this person “liked” my entry about THE MAGNET IN MY HEAD AND SCURVY. This got me to thinking about my posture. Here is a picture

Æ Done

Fortunately, the incident mentioned at the end of this entry didn’t result in scurvy or any other affliction caused by insufficient vitamin C.

However, the magnet in my head remains as “attractive” as ever. Interesting thing is, I would have no idea that my posture was so wonky if I wasn’t able to see myself. I feel perilously off kilter when I make myself appear straight. The writer inside me says that there is something symbolic about appearing upright and balanced while feeling bent and wonky. I’m not sure what that is, so I’m going to write until it emerges. I’m going to turn the tide of Resistance and writer’s block by being an obstinate bully to them. I will discover the significance of my posture’s phenotype and genotype through sheer tyranny of will. Let’s begin –

The GIF above is a collection of screenshots I “secured” (that’s the official term) in the case that a Chinese student who has booked my “class” (that’s the official term) is not in “attendance” (that’s the offic…you get the idea).

For fear of giving away secrets vital to the integrity of the Asian English as a Second Language Online Teaching Industry or AESLOTI (variously pronounced “ah-slow-tee” and “eigh-slow-tee”. One intrepid (if not misguided) purveyor of nouns, verbs and adjectives (I will call such a person a “verbeyor”) interpreted the first two letters – ‘AE’ – as the now defunct “aesc” – more recognizably “Æ” and, with a wanton (some call it flagrant) disregard for the conventions of tasteful pronunciation, said “ee-slow-tie”.

I digress.

Thæ point is, I’ve “secured” a lot of thæse and it is quite plæn that my midline is situæted somewhere along my spine starting at my lower back. This is only bæcause that’s where my pelvis is and human anatomæ dictætes that thæ spine must bægin its ascent to thæ crænium from thæ top of thæ pelvis. Not far from that point of origin, my spine starts a dætour to a head that is hopelessly lost. That’s not a metaphor. I’m saying that 1. I know I have a head, and 2. I know I have a bodæ, and 3 (thræ). Both entitæs are corporæal and subject to gravitæ, the elements and what have you. But unlike most of you, dær ræders, thæ apparatus that ræports thæ location of my limbs and compares it to thæ positions of my other limbs is discombobulated.

Listen, like mæ you might bæ thinking what the hell is hæ talking about? Thæ æsiest way for mæ to illustræte my point is to…illustræte my point. Have æ look at this graphic that I haven’t made yet –

LookFAEl v2.0

As you can sæ by the fact that you can sæ it, that is thæ image that, like all things to a certain extent, did not exist, but now does. Quite simplæ, the “LOOK” image repræsents how I would look to thæ outside observer. The “FÆL” graphic repræsents how I fæl.

Again, this is not meant as æ metaphor (meantaphor?) for æ happæ, upbæt extærior hiding æ dæspondent inner self. I assure you, dær ræder, that this is not the cæse.

That said, I’ve come to thæ part of thæ post where I should connect all thæ dots, thereby læying bære thæ essential…uh…essence of my crooked stance. But I confess, my darlings, that I have not uncovered thæ wider significance of my tendencæ to slump to thæ left.

I could muse about my liberal sentiments, how they are, quite literally (ugh, I hate that word, HæRE’S WHY), “left læanings”. That the current political climes have upended me to a point where I fææl thæ nææd to slouch gratuitouslæ to thæ left in an effort to balance my worldview – I like that idæa, but I was bent long before Trump bægan sodomizing the Constitution.

This is plainly a case of “what you sæ is what you get”, or WYSIWYG (“wizzy-wig”). As far as I know, there’s no alternative pronunciation for that one.

Let’s ræcap –

  1. I got a new follower, thanks to…
  2. … an earliær post entitled THE MAGNET IN MY HEAD AND SCURVY, causing mæ to…
  3. …reassess my posture. I accomplished this thanks to…
  4. … screenshots I took while tæching online under the dræconian oversight of the AESLOTI, which has…
  5. …a variety of pronunciations, including whatever sound Æ mækes…
  6. … such as… holæ molæ, I’ve digressed off the dæp end…
  7. …I think thæ significance is to not bæ so concerned about thæ significance…
  8. …sometimes, I fæl græt, but look veræ uncomfortable…
  9. …other times, I look græt, but fæl very uncomfortable…
  10. …this happens to us all…
  11. …so take it from mæ, things are not always what they sæm.

FIN

@JærrættLWilson

… turns out, Æ or “ash” can, dæpending on the language, take thæ place of most anything with an /e/ or /a/, long or short. I contæmplætæd substituting ‘æ’ for æværæ ‘æ’ ænd ‘æ’ for thæ ræmæindær of thæ æntræ, but thæt would’ve bææn grætuitouslæ hærd to rææd ænd æxcæædinglæ difficult to writæ. Wouldn’t you ægrææ?

Bzzzzzzy

BeeJert Typewriter Classroom Full

Listen, I’m usually juggling two jobs, two or more reading projects, this blog, writing a book, cleaning, dadding, and I be strippin in the evenins. In a word, I’m uber busy (that was two words, but you get the idea.)

I sat in contemplation about my dizzying to do list. Right then and there, despite the objections of all 157 kajillion molecules in my body hell bent on figuring out some way to return the mayo to the fridge and throw away a cheese wrapper simultaneously, thereby saving 4.3 seconds – time which can be applied to some more purposeful activity later, inspiration bade that I conjure a verse to chronicle my raging reality.

 

What follows is the offspring of that bit of whimsy and my brain’s inclination to swaddle such whimsy in cozy, tender words –

 

On Monday, where are you going to be?

I’m subbing for Mrs. Brown,

I never turn an English job down.

Never slow down. Gotta stay busy.

 

Hey, it’s Friday. Let’s go to a movie.

Can’t. I’m working all nite,

Teaching online until the morning lite.

Sleeping is overrated. Gotta stay busy.

 

All work and no play for Jarrett Lee?

Being productive is my joy,

That make me a dull boy?

Well “HERE’S JOHNNY!” Gotta stay busy.

 

Daughter: “Dad, spend some time with me.”

Gladly, my dear, let me finish this text

Then we’ll play on the X…

…box. Make time for Quinn, but gotta stay busy.

 

What? I’ve a moment free,

That can’t be true!

Oh look, there’s some mail that I need to view.

I only thought I wouldn’t stay busy

 

I haven’t blogged lately,

Yes that is true,

I use any spare time to…

… write a book, cuz I gotta stay busy

 

OOH! A book! May I see?

There’s not much to show,

I regret that the word count is so low,

Because I gotta stay busy…

 

… and boost productivity,

By engaging in tasks that might improve my station,

Leading to a situation

Where I gotta stay busy…

 

…but do so gainfully.

Oh, I wish I may, I wish I might,

Someday get paid to write,

And break this mold of busy tizzy

 

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Rhyme Time: Get a Job(s)

slide2
Teaching aboard the Millennium Falcon. Obi-Wan isn’t pictured, he had to go to the bathroom. The sign with the rooster reads “this isn’t the rooster you’re looking for”

My injourney

has led me

To many

Ways to make a penny.

 

My preservation,

Indeed, my continuation,

Rests on many a vocation.

A patched together living in summation

 

The latest of these

I do with ease,

Lounging in my jammies

Teaching English to Chinese…

 

…Children. Thanks to the internet,

I don’t get wet,

Or take a jet.

I Haven’t even been to China, yet.

 

Pronunciation and grammar are my trade;

American dollars are what I’m paid.

Fortunately, I don’t have to grade…

…Papers, and the lessons are already made.

 

I simply report to the designated digital place

With a smile on my face,

Speak at a slow pace,

And keep a clean workspace

 

“No, not ‘parsent’

“It’s pronounced ‘parent’

Don’t worry about your accent

I know what you meant

 

This pedagogical enterprise

Supplements my daytime guise

Where I mesmerize

Teach and civilize…

 

…local students at the secondary age

In order to engage

Them with sage

Advice for life on the world’s stage.

 

These jobs offer little remuneration,

But, keep in mind, monetization

Isn’t the only form of “job well done” dispensation,

Much of my efforts are met with adulation.

 

Indeed, the compensation is sufficient

For spiritual nourishment,

But the commercial payment

Won’t even cover rent.

 

Such is the way

I earn my pay

Allowing me to stay

Productive and bizzay (busy)

 

Life doesn’t stop because of brain injury.

I’ve still got to get out and feed the monkey.

I just never imagined I’d be

So busy…

 

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

On Teaching English

I’ve been commissioned to produce a rhyme,

Thing is, I’ve not had an original thought in a long time.

That being the case,

The proceeding space

Will showcase

How the BookFace

Is responsible for these words.

I’ve just now decided that rhyme schemes are for nerds.

I’ll rhyme how and when I want,

I assure you I’m no poetic savant

I just know what I…want

Ok, enough about the mechanics of this poem,

Let me tell you the muse for this work, you might know him.

He is certainly more pleasant than an itchy, puss-filled rash

I speak, of course, of the charmingly urbane Charles Nash.

In response to a call for conscription

Into my recent pedagogical vocation,

At that request he did commission,

For me to produce a poetic vision

Of great jubilation.

You are now reading the fruit of that request,

Question is, what to do with the rest…

Of this limerick?

What about a quick…

Rundown of the previously mentioned “pedagogical vocation”?

As a supplementary source of remuneration

Through the interwebs I travel to China,

To serve as an instructor of English elocution.

Working at home suits me just fine-uh.

Detracting from total mirth

Is that our opposing locations on the earth

Mean they are awake while I would snooze,

Causing me to lose

Precious sleep that humans require.

Indeed, I wish the body wouldn’t tire,

That being the case, I’d teach all night,

Helping Chinese kids speak English, the way an American might.

Scratch that, Americans have terrible grammar,

It’s only one step above incomprehensible yammer.

The worst example of this grammatical blathering

Is to answer “I didn’t do nothing”

Which is really testifying

That you, indeed, did something.

Equally bad is ending

A sentence with “at”

Thereby offending

Anyone that

Knows it’s a grammatical transgression,

To end a sentence with a preposition.

OMG, I’m all over the place,

To avoid confusion,

And end with grace,

This sentence is my conclusion.

 

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

 

 

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