Tag Blog Finale, or Is It?

Tags I still have left: Botox  causality cavernoma  Conditions and Diseases Dog  Health Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine  OWFI Recreation  Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI  the big lebowski  Trauma and Injuries TRILS

“Wait, yoo don’t nyeed to get to da choppah. I’m a vyizerd. I can use myagic to zap yoo dehr.” Said Schwarzenegger apologetically.

“Then why’d you throw me?” Asked Zumba angrily.

“I wanted to shout GET TO DA CHOPPAH!”

Zumba huffed, “That’s just silly. Can we get going please?”

*ZAM* Just as he got the last word out he saw a bright flash of light and heard a loud crack. His feet came out from under him, he fell and smacked his head on a concrete sidewalk where his front lawn used to be.

Zumba and Mr. T were standing in front of a run-down Denny’s.

Zumba stood up, rubbed the back of his head… I’ll finish the rest of the story on Saturday, promise.

Tag Blog, Part Eye Eye

…Just as Bender was telling Fry to bite his shiny metal ass, there was a knock at the door and the sound of someone dry heaving.

 

“Come in!” Shouted Zumba.

 

Schwarzenegger walked in, bumping his gratuitously tall hat on the doorway.

 

Mr.T followed meekly behind him, one hand wrapped around a bucket, the other holding his stomach. His eyes were watery and very bloodshot.

 

Zuma stuck out a hand, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. T.”

 

Mr. T’s cheeks puffed out, face turned green and quickly lowered his head into the bucket, “BWAAAAHHH!”

 

Mr.T heaved once more then stuck his hand out.

 

“Mistah T is getting vyorse by da minute. If we don’t hurry he might hyaf a brain heemrage and need brain surgery.” Schwarzenegger said grimly.

 

Mr. T pulled his head out of the bucket, “I pity da foo who needs brain surgery – they go through yerrs of physical therrapy.”

 

“Yes, nyeurosyurgery is sometheeng to avoid if yoo can.” Offered Schwarzenegger.

 

Mr.T started throwing up again. Schwarzenegger grabbed Zumba, “Aw yoo ready to go? A helicoptah eee waiting for yoo.”

 

“I’d like to finish my orange juice first if you don’t mind.”

Schwarzenegger flung him towards the sidewalk in front of his home and yelled, “I do mind! Now RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

OY! This story is running away from me, but I like where it’s going. Furthermore, I’m so busy that I’m contemplating giving up sleep. I’ve already given up eating and I’m fine; the purple leprechaun with the voice of Sean Connery assures me that I don’t need sleep either.

The LepreSean
The LepreSean

I told my neighbor about “LepreSean” and he said that I was hallucinating, that I should eat. I told LepreSean about this and said, “Thish ish intolerable…”I didn’t catch the rest because I passed out.

 

Anyway, my point is that I hope to have this epic tale of vomiting and the Rocky Mountain Aztec Gods tomorrow. Stay tuned!

@JarrettLWilson

Tag Blog, p.1

A+ certification Arnold Schwarzenegger aztec gods Botox Brain surgery causality cavernoma CompTIA Conditions and Diseases Dog double vision Family Futurama Germanfest Health hemorrhage Hobbit Home hot water heater Kurt Vonnegut Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine Mr. T Neurosurgery orange juice OWFI Physical therapy Recreation Rocky Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI Technology the big lebowski Tolkien Trauma and Injuries TRILS United States vomiting Zumba

The above words were on my “most used” tags a few months ago. Most of these I only used once, so I thought I’d bring them closer to a true “most used” by making up a story.

I started a story when I first checked the  the list – didn’t like it. As such, this is my second attempt at “tag blog”. There were a lot of people maimed and injured in the making of this blog, especially those who read it and didn’t audibly guffaw –

The Hobbit sat quietly at his computer studying for the CompTIA A+ exams. All of a sudden, he heard a hearty knock on his door.

He scampered down the hallway to the big round door, and opened it very cautiously. On his doorstep, he saw a very large man in a grey cloak and a matching tall grey cap. The man looked down at him and, in a very strong Austrian accent, asked “Aw yoo da hah-bit named Zoomba?”

The hobbit considered the hulking pilgrim in front of him. “I’m a hobbit, not a habit. And yes, my name is Zumba. Who are you?”

The man seemed pleased to hear this, replied, “I’m Schwarzenegger the Grey. I’ve come to ask yoo to help wit a special ehrind.”

Zumba invited Schwarzenegger inside to hear about the errand.

Schwarzenegger the Grey started telling Zumba about Mr. T and his terrible vomiting sickness. “Da Aztec gahds put a cyurse on Mistah T, now he has dah-ble vision and he throws ahp every 10 minutes.”

Zumba grimaced in disgust, “How can I help? I’m not a doctor.”

“I know dat. I read a book by Kyurt Vonnegut that said that hah-bits aw viery handy for special ehrinds, what wit yoor abilidy to turn inveezable.” Replied Schwarzenegger proudly.

Zumba looked at Schwarzenegger with confusion, “Sorry to tell you, but I can’t turn invisible. Also, you must be thinking of a book by JRR Tolkien, not Vonnegut.”

Schwarzenegger sighed, “Dat doesn’t mattah. Doo yoo hyaf any special pahwas?”

Zumba furrowed his brow in thought, “hmm…” He paced a few steps and suddenly stopped with a jerk. “I’m very good with technology and fixing hot water heaters. Do those count?” Zumba asked hopefully.

Schwarzenegger let out an even deeper sigh, “Dehr going to hyaf to count. Rocky already tyurned me down.

Pleased with his better than nothing status, Zumba asked, “What is the errand?”

“Yoo aw to accompany Mistah T to da yunited states to confront the Aztec Gahds dat poot da cyurse on heem.”

“Aren’t the Aztec Gods from Mexico?” Asked Zumba, puzzled.

Schwarzenegger nodded, “Dey decided dat Mexico was too haht, then moved to Denvah.”

Zumba tilted his head. Perplexed he asked, “Gods can do that?”

“Dey aw gahds, dey can doo whatevah dey want.”

Zumba considered this for a moment, then asked, “When do we leave?”

“I hyaf tah go get Mistah T, I left him at a jyermanfest bathroom, dehr weel be lots of people vomiting dehr, he’ll fit right in. I didn’t want heem to throw ahp all over your home.”

With that, Schwarzenegger got up and lumbered toward the door and pulled it open. Just before he walked out, he turned to Zumba and declared, “Al be back” and turned to leave.

Not wanting to be bored, Zumba quickly asked, “Do I have time for an episode of Futurama or Family Guy?”

But he was already gone…

To be continued…

@JarrettLWilson

HOO-DINT and Talking to a Guy, but Not Really

ITEM! My double vision continues, but with small improvements. My neurosurgeon in Dallas says the MRI report…uh, reported no abnormalities. Thing is, the report is just that, a report. That is, the radiologist at the local hospital looked at the scans and reported his findings on the report. All due respect to the local medical talent, but they don’t know a cavernoma from… something that isn’t a cavernoma (I can’t think of anything, sorry). My point is that I’ll have a more definitive answer after my neurosurgeon views the scans. Until then, it is his assertion that I’ve had a “micro-bleed”

I’ve come up with a very clever TBI is…To Better Inform (clever, no?) you of my perspective of such a small bleed –

…Tiny Bleed Interruption-Unconfirmed, but I might’ve had a “micro-bleed” which will be a minor blip on my plan for world domination

The thing that’s very puzzling about this instance is that I’ve felt no other symptoms. As such, I feel confident enough that I can declare this a “minor blip”. I hope this doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass – I’ve found that making statements such as that are an invitation for bad sh*t to happen.

The other possibility is that the double vision is a side effect of a new medication. I think there are some who wouldn’t (aside: there are two possible word combinations there – 1. ‘Who wouldn’t…’ and, 2. ‘Who’d not…’ I propose a three way contraction (menage a troiction?) – who’d’nt – I suppose it’d be pronounced “HOO-DINT”). This new phrasing in mind, allow me to rewrite the second sentence of this paragraph. I think there are some who’d’nt mention the name of the drug because they don’t want to offend the manufacturer or make it known that they have a disorder that requires said medication, but I have no such qualms. Listen, the medication under discussion is called Viibryd. Now that that I think about it, there are two ‘i’s because, after taking it, you’ll have twice as many eyes. Anyway, I started taking this stuff to treat depression – Zoloft just weren’t cuttin the mustard no more. I have to make a choice – do I want to be more happier and see two of everything? or see one of everything and be less happier?

Finally, you might be wondering what it’s like to have double vision. A man stopped me on the street and asked me about that the other day. He tapped me on the shoulder with his purse (I thought it might have been a woman until I heard him talk). With a face that looked like a feminine Martin Sheen and a voice like Mr. T, he said, “I pity da foo with double vision, what’s it like? And have you seen Rocky? He owes me a rematch.” I looked at him in disbelief, how does this stranger know about my double vision?  Then I considered my eye patch

I call this one "Patch on Right Eye Jarrett" because the patch is on my right eye.
I call this one “Patch on Left Eye Jarrett” because the patch is on my right eye.I call this one "Patch on Left Eye Jarrett" because the patch is on my rig...err, left eye
I call this one “Patch on Right Eye Jarrett” because the patch is on my lef…err, right eye

then I realized that by “A man stopped me on the street,” I really meant “nobody stopped me anywhere ever” and by “asked me about that the other day,” I meant “didn’t talk to me on any day.”

If you want to experience double vision, walk around with your eyes crossed all day.

One more thing – Like I said, my vision seems to be getting better, but I’ve had to employ lots of tricks, if you are experiencing “diplopia” I’d be glad to share my tricks with you – leave a comment. Speaking of comment, what do you think of ‘who’d’nt’? Do you know where Rocky is?