Tag Blog Finale, or Is It?

Tags I still have left: Botox  causality cavernoma  Conditions and Diseases Dog  Health Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine  OWFI Recreation  Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI  the big lebowski  Trauma and Injuries TRILS

“Wait, yoo don’t nyeed to get to da choppah. I’m a vyizerd. I can use myagic to zap yoo dehr.” Said Schwarzenegger apologetically.

“Then why’d you throw me?” Asked Zumba angrily.

“I wanted to shout GET TO DA CHOPPAH!”

Zumba huffed, “That’s just silly. Can we get going please?”

*ZAM* Just as he got the last word out he saw a bright flash of light and heard a loud crack. His feet came out from under him, he fell and smacked his head on a concrete sidewalk where his front lawn used to be.

Zumba and Mr. T were standing in front of a run-down Denny’s.

Zumba stood up, rubbed the back of his head… I’ll finish the rest of the story on Saturday, promise.

Tag Blog, Part Eye Eye

…Just as Bender was telling Fry to bite his shiny metal ass, there was a knock at the door and the sound of someone dry heaving.

 

“Come in!” Shouted Zumba.

 

Schwarzenegger walked in, bumping his gratuitously tall hat on the doorway.

 

Mr.T followed meekly behind him, one hand wrapped around a bucket, the other holding his stomach. His eyes were watery and very bloodshot.

 

Zuma stuck out a hand, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. T.”

 

Mr. T’s cheeks puffed out, face turned green and quickly lowered his head into the bucket, “BWAAAAHHH!”

 

Mr.T heaved once more then stuck his hand out.

 

“Mistah T is getting vyorse by da minute. If we don’t hurry he might hyaf a brain heemrage and need brain surgery.” Schwarzenegger said grimly.

 

Mr. T pulled his head out of the bucket, “I pity da foo who needs brain surgery – they go through yerrs of physical therrapy.”

 

“Yes, nyeurosyurgery is sometheeng to avoid if yoo can.” Offered Schwarzenegger.

 

Mr.T started throwing up again. Schwarzenegger grabbed Zumba, “Aw yoo ready to go? A helicoptah eee waiting for yoo.”

 

“I’d like to finish my orange juice first if you don’t mind.”

Schwarzenegger flung him towards the sidewalk in front of his home and yelled, “I do mind! Now RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

OY! This story is running away from me, but I like where it’s going. Furthermore, I’m so busy that I’m contemplating giving up sleep. I’ve already given up eating and I’m fine; the purple leprechaun with the voice of Sean Connery assures me that I don’t need sleep either.

The LepreSean
The LepreSean

I told my neighbor about “LepreSean” and he said that I was hallucinating, that I should eat. I told LepreSean about this and said, “Thish ish intolerable…”I didn’t catch the rest because I passed out.

 

Anyway, my point is that I hope to have this epic tale of vomiting and the Rocky Mountain Aztec Gods tomorrow. Stay tuned!

@JarrettLWilson

Tag Blog, p.1

A+ certification Arnold Schwarzenegger aztec gods Botox Brain surgery causality cavernoma CompTIA Conditions and Diseases Dog double vision Family Futurama Germanfest Health hemorrhage Hobbit Home hot water heater Kurt Vonnegut Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine Mr. T Neurosurgery orange juice OWFI Physical therapy Recreation Rocky Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI Technology the big lebowski Tolkien Trauma and Injuries TRILS United States vomiting Zumba

The above words were on my “most used” tags a few months ago. Most of these I only used once, so I thought I’d bring them closer to a true “most used” by making up a story.

I started a story when I first checked the  the list – didn’t like it. As such, this is my second attempt at “tag blog”. There were a lot of people maimed and injured in the making of this blog, especially those who read it and didn’t audibly guffaw –

The Hobbit sat quietly at his computer studying for the CompTIA A+ exams. All of a sudden, he heard a hearty knock on his door.

He scampered down the hallway to the big round door, and opened it very cautiously. On his doorstep, he saw a very large man in a grey cloak and a matching tall grey cap. The man looked down at him and, in a very strong Austrian accent, asked “Aw yoo da hah-bit named Zoomba?”

The hobbit considered the hulking pilgrim in front of him. “I’m a hobbit, not a habit. And yes, my name is Zumba. Who are you?”

The man seemed pleased to hear this, replied, “I’m Schwarzenegger the Grey. I’ve come to ask yoo to help wit a special ehrind.”

Zumba invited Schwarzenegger inside to hear about the errand.

Schwarzenegger the Grey started telling Zumba about Mr. T and his terrible vomiting sickness. “Da Aztec gahds put a cyurse on Mistah T, now he has dah-ble vision and he throws ahp every 10 minutes.”

Zumba grimaced in disgust, “How can I help? I’m not a doctor.”

“I know dat. I read a book by Kyurt Vonnegut that said that hah-bits aw viery handy for special ehrinds, what wit yoor abilidy to turn inveezable.” Replied Schwarzenegger proudly.

Zumba looked at Schwarzenegger with confusion, “Sorry to tell you, but I can’t turn invisible. Also, you must be thinking of a book by JRR Tolkien, not Vonnegut.”

Schwarzenegger sighed, “Dat doesn’t mattah. Doo yoo hyaf any special pahwas?”

Zumba furrowed his brow in thought, “hmm…” He paced a few steps and suddenly stopped with a jerk. “I’m very good with technology and fixing hot water heaters. Do those count?” Zumba asked hopefully.

Schwarzenegger let out an even deeper sigh, “Dehr going to hyaf to count. Rocky already tyurned me down.

Pleased with his better than nothing status, Zumba asked, “What is the errand?”

“Yoo aw to accompany Mistah T to da yunited states to confront the Aztec Gahds dat poot da cyurse on heem.”

“Aren’t the Aztec Gods from Mexico?” Asked Zumba, puzzled.

Schwarzenegger nodded, “Dey decided dat Mexico was too haht, then moved to Denvah.”

Zumba tilted his head. Perplexed he asked, “Gods can do that?”

“Dey aw gahds, dey can doo whatevah dey want.”

Zumba considered this for a moment, then asked, “When do we leave?”

“I hyaf tah go get Mistah T, I left him at a jyermanfest bathroom, dehr weel be lots of people vomiting dehr, he’ll fit right in. I didn’t want heem to throw ahp all over your home.”

With that, Schwarzenegger got up and lumbered toward the door and pulled it open. Just before he walked out, he turned to Zumba and declared, “Al be back” and turned to leave.

Not wanting to be bored, Zumba quickly asked, “Do I have time for an episode of Futurama or Family Guy?”

But he was already gone…

To be continued…

@JarrettLWilson

Unprovoked vomit and the Suffocation Dangers of Too Much Recollecting

Tis time to get back to memory lane in our frozen milk conveyance. Recall my last recollection. Recall x2, I’d call that total recall, but the kind with Arnold Schwarzenegger, WATCH

 

Assuming that you still have eyes and can read good, let’s go back to April 23, I told you about my PT regimen and the terrible injustice of being assigned to TRILS rather than ILS. The next entry is what this blog is all about. I think the title of the entry says it all –

 

Surgery (August 25, 2009)

As I mentioned in my last post, I have brain surgery on Sept. 3rd.

I am taking the week leading up to the date off from rehab.

I am scared, very scared. Yesterday in the education group, we discussed the parts of the brain. For me, that was a reminder of the vital functions the brain stem performs.

On the plus side, I get a haircut…more like THE haircut, as there won’t be any hair left. I would say it’s free, but it’s anything but.

The evil Internet informs me of the immense pain after surgery, the deficits afterward and the grammar problems I will have when it’s over (or so it appears, people on the Internet have lousy grammar…they say it’s only the Internet, but where else do people publish writing for such a wide audience?).

The idea of having this surgery inspires a great sense of loneliness. I know many of you would do whatever you could to see to my recovery, but I have to face this obstacle alone. When I go under I will be in the hands of the surgeons (I hope they sleep well and have a nice breakfast!). This should not suggest I don’t appreciate all the help I have received. I owe it to many of you for making it as far as I have.

Thank you.

 

Even though it’s been four years, I still feel a bit of disbelief when I think about or mention that I’ve had brain surgery. I think I still have the same disbelief now that I had then.

 

I need to correct a few things on this entry. First of all, head shaving is not required for my flavor of surgery. I was a bit disappointed at this. I’d always wanted to see what I’d look like completely bald (I did this a year or so later, behold).

Scar

Secondly, I’m not sure where I read about all the pain, but I didn’t have that problem at all. I’ve mentioned this before, but I found that vomiting was a pretty big issue. I’m not talking about “OH MY GOD, I’M GONNA THROW UP! GET ME A GARBAGE CAN!” It would go something like this –

 

While eating lunch, reminiscing with my grandmother about catching lightning bugs while staying at her house in the summer. She starts to recall a particular instance, “Do you remember that boy from down the street? You hated playing with him, but one time he came and brought you a jar with five or six lightning bugs to show you what he could do so that he could play with you…” *BWUUUHHH* without cause or warning I’d upchuck all over my food and interrupt my dear grandmother’s story (I ralphed all over a dish of chocolate chip cookies, still trying to get over that one).

 

I’m getting ahead of myself, at this point in the reminisceses 😛 I’ve only scheduled surgery – I haven’t horked on a dish of cookies while exchanging pleasantries with my dear grandmother.

 

Getting back to the entry itself – I mention that “I have to face this obstacle alone.” That was my Academy Award entry. While it’s true that I had to go it alone, I feel that the love and support of so many carried me through that day and up to now. It’s kind of like Life Alert – I went through it alone, without ever being alone (view the ad HERE)

FIN

@JarrettLWilson