Rime of the Alphabet

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From my new blog…

Listen, words have become more than a passion for me. Back in November twenty ought sixteen, I started tutoring Chinese kids in the rigidly promiscuous tongue we call English. I always knew that the language was temperamental, but now I have first-hand experience with the treachery of this tyrannical language.

I’ve since learned that, even with only 26 letters, this diabolical series of tones we make with our face holes, produces 44 distinct sounds. Indeed, that is a 70% increase in the number of sounds one would expect to hear from speech composed of phonemes.

This would be something like going to a restaurant, ordering a cheeseburger, fries, coke and a bowl of ice cream for dessert, getting charged for the food items AND the flavor combinations they make. For example,

*man at register paying for food*

“CSS trio? I didn’t order that! $9?!?

Shit eating kid behind the register…

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  1. Oh. My. God
    That was brilliant! Your mind is like a fairground of…clichéd similes!!
    So, so glad we bumped into each other. I’m reading and re-reading this.
    I have a wordy question for you. Word related not full of words.
    What is your favourite word that you know hands down you’ll never ever use in conversation?
    Mine is floccinaucinihilipilification.
    I bloody love it!
    Oh my god, I’ve just been battered over the head with an irony bar.
    I DID use the word.
    How meta

    1. Gosh, there are so many good ones. Not my favorite, but how about pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcaniosis – it’s supposed to be the longest words to appear in a layperson dictionary. Let me cogitate (there’s a good one) on this and I’ll get back to you. Glad you liked the blog, put Rhymezone.com and Thesaurus.com to the test

  2. How about instead of a word, I choose a pair of letters. I can’t say sound, because the letters don’t always make the same sound. After writing this post, I’ve taken on a newfound appreciation for the CH digraph – it’s such a maverick, what with the way that it pretty much says, “I will make wherever said I want to, thank you very much”. Or Old Man Alphabet is looking for volunteers to spell words and he says, “we just got an order in for the name of the airway bleeding from the mouth to the lungs. We are going to need a hard ‘kuh’ sound. K, can we count on you?” K, ashamed, stairs at the floor – “Gee, Mr. Aphabet, I’m too busy with ‘work’ and ‘knowledge’. Sorry.” Old Man Alphabet turns to C, “how bout you C? I know you’ve got it in you.” C contemplates this question, and that length, says “May I bring a friend?”
    “That depends, who?”
    “H and I are so ‘cheerful’ and ‘chipper’ together, I would very much like to have H’s company on this charge.”
    Old Man Alphabet furrows his brow “I don’t know that H is the best choice. You and H are always into mischief.”
    At that. H jumps up and says, “I will be totally silent, C will do all the work. I have the experience being quiet with G.”
    Old Man Alphabet sighed. “Very well. Let it be known that “trachea” will be spelled T R A C H E A, but pronounced ‘tray-kee-uh. H is not to make any sound or influence the word in any way.”

    Holy gosh, this is a stupid long reply, I think you get the picture, I’m going to stop now.

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