I’m now certified with the Brain Ouchie Observation Broadcast System. Here is how: According to math and the calendar, it’s been 1193 days since my surgery. This is a very auspicious number for us headcases. For you see, 11-9+3=5 and 1+1+9+3=14, where 1+4=5. What’s more, 11+93=104; 10+4=14 and ¡OJO! 4+1=5. What’s the significance of 5? Turns out, five is the number of letters in BOOBS – the certification mentioned above.

My first BOO concerns the issue of life’s pace. Throughout my time in rehab, my therapists would say, “slow and steady wins the race.” Apparently, my therapists weren’t thinking about the fervor with which some grocery store patrons will go after an open checkout lane. Slow and steady don’t win that race. There is consolation in the fact that, because I end up having to wait behind one of these people, I had time enough to stare at the candy at the checkout long enough to determine that I would very much like the scrumptious marriage of toffee and chocolate that is the Skor candy bar.

I’m sure I’ll be deBOOBed for this, but I have no other observations. Having lived this way for 3+ years, I’ve learned how to adapt. To keep up with the fast pace, I plan WAY ahead and eat lots of Skor bars. I could certainly complain more, but it could be worse.