Teh Pump!

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I went to the pump doctor on Tuesday to have my pump refilled and increased. I’ve had this pump for nearly a year and still haven’t found the right dose (right dose = decreases hypertonicity to a manageable level, but doesn’t turn me into a limp noodle). I suggested we fill the pump with heroin, but the doctor didn’t have any, she said it was “illegal”. We have to stick with Baclofen :(. Allow me to fabricate an explanation about the pump refill process –
 First, I enter the doctor’s office and exchange pleasantries (“how were your two days at the end of the week?”, “how is your offspring?”, etc.), fill out some paperwork (all hail the mighty bureaucracy!), wait, they call me back, I go to an exam room, take my blood pressure, sign more paperwork (all hail the mighty bureaucracy!), then “read” my pump. They’ve never tell me what it says, but I’m guessing it reads like a Shel Silverstein limerick, such as –
“Ickle me, pickle me, refill me too,
Increase the dose while you do.
Jarrett still has tone in his leg,
So, to you I must beg,
Make it so I shoot more magic juice,
That his muscles become more loose
All this I ask of you,
When you ickle me, pickle me, refill me too.”
After this “reading from the book of Medtronic” (to be cereal, the reading shows how much medicine is left in the pump, my current dose and the low dose alarm – mine went off once, more on that in the next blog), the good doctor comes in, gets a hose and funnel and pours the medicine Animal House style down my throat (Baclofen tastes like chicken). Now comes the tough part, the medicine assumes its supposed to go to my stomach – this is wrong. I have to will it into the pump; much the same as a psychic wills your money into his/her (what? They can be dudes too. Sexist!) hand. I jest, what really happens is she takes a syringe filled with magic juice, inserts the needle into refilling hole on my pump, slurps out the old magic juice (It’s lost its magic at this point, so it’s just called “juice”), and pumps me full of fresh stuff. Then she pulls out the needle, we cuddle, then she kicks me out. That’s about it for the pump refill process. Now for part 2 of the

“Message from the Library” saga – 

 Greetings Piner pedagogues! The response to my last email was so overwhelming, I thought I’d send out a sequel and call it “Message from the Library II: The Search for More Media” – when you read that use a dark, ominous voice in your head, it sounds much cooler. In this thrilling tour-de-force, we once again join that dashing, charismatic library assistant on his harrowing quest to reclaim the lost media. In the first part of this epic tale, Sir Alec Guinness/the computer instructed the Wilson to inform the “pedagogues” to return library media to the Piner library, thus avoiding the wrath of the malicious Cherry Bomb. Upon receiving this message, the “pedagogues” sent a torrent of media to the Wilson, barraging him with media to catalog – much as a vampire would be overcome by the scent of garlic. To stem the tide of concerns about who still has media checked out, our hero, with the help of his trusty 3rd period sidekick, has gone through the media to find those that were shelved without being checked in. That labor has produced the list you are about to read. Several of you have asked me if you may keep some particular media, the answer is a sigh and an “I guess”. There is no rush to get it done, just would like to have all our videos in the media room for a long summer’s nap. We also have to consider the chronosynclastic infundibulum that might possibly result should even ONE movie be missing from the media room! ITEM! I have a list of “pedagogues” with DVD players. VCRs and TVs checked out, but I haven’t updated it in a while (again, Mrs. *REDACTED* is somehow to blame) – so I’ll trust in your magnanimity to bring back said piece of equipment if you have one. This email is too long, I’m going to stop writ… PEDAGOGUE NAMES REDACTED Help me, help you! SHOW ME THE MEDIA!

 Librarily, Jarrett



  1. Jared,I can't read your blog anymore. I want to but the words are all too close together. Any chance you can break up the writing with some paragraph breaks? Signed, A loyal reader

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