“The Wilds of a Brain Injurah-d Routine” Episode One

I’m not sure what I was thinking on the last three posts. I guess I wanted to spread my writing wings.

Fact is, this blog started as a means to inform those close to me on my condition. I’ve since used it to share my experiences of life after brain surgery.

Recently, I’ve gotten comments about how insightful and informative some of my posts are.

That being the case, I need to get back to my roots – I like the idea that someone can benefit from my experiences.

With this post, I’m getting back to basics. I’ve mentioned before that you (yes, you there with the pants) should be your own advocate. That is, if you are facing adversity, do your homework to make your life easier. Therefore, I’m

going to lay out the adaptations of the Jarrett in the form of a nature show.

Thing is, the nature shows that I remember (the good ones, anyway) were narrated by Australians, so this blog will be written with an Australian inflection. If you’d like me to clarify anything from this, leave a comment. Here goes. Before I start, I would like to announce that I’m cutting back to a post every two weeks. I plan on focusing more effort on writing a book and illustrating my “Terds”. No, I’m not going to draw pictures of my poop; I’m talking about this silly words that I come up with and tweet; I’ve put a few examples at the bottom of this post. I reserve the right to throw a post out there when the urge hits me; but as far as regular posts, I’m cutting back to one every two weeks. Moving on –

Let’s watch as the majeestic Jarretto Awesomicus goes through hees morning reechal (ritual) –

Noteece that eet’s extremely urly. The Jarretto will wake up up to three hours before werk to make all the necesseery preparations. The Jarretto does thees for all commeetments – thees ees most lih-kely due to hees slow pace.

CRIKY! We’re getting a reh (rare) gleempse at one of the Jarretto’s morning exyersyah-zes (exercises) – the postyah (posture) and stability vogue. Een thees exyersyah-ze, the Jarretto flails his ahms about Een front of a mirrah to monitah and correct hees postyah.

What’s thees? He appeahs to be streetching hees amstrings. He does thees to loosen up the muscles een hees legs a beet (bit). You see, the spasteecity (spasticity) een hees legs makes hees muscles veery tih-ght. He ees done streetching and has moved on to his balance and weight beering (baring) exyersyah-ze. During thees exersyah-ze, the Jarretto balances on his left leg for at least 30 seconds and weel often try for up to a meenit (minute)

Now we see the Jarretto putting a Swedeesh knee cage (knee brace) on hees left leg. You see, the Jarretto’s brain doesn’t tell his left amstring to fie-ah (fire) when he straightens hees leg, causing heem to hyperexteend hees knee. Eef he deedn’t have thees brace, hees knee wood sirtinly break Een ‘af.

Ee’s of now to feeneesh getting ready for woork. But that wraps it up for us. We hope you’ve enjoyed thees edeetion of “The Wilds of a Brain Injurah-d Routine”. G’day, mates!

When purchasing laundry products, do not make the mistake of writing down "laundry detergent" on your list. Be very very specific about the brand name, etc.
When purchasing laundry products, do not make the mistake of writing down “laundry detergent” on your list. Be very very specific about the brand name, etc.
This would go well on the Wii's opening screen about the risk of seizures.
This would go well on the Wii’s opening screen about the risk of seizures.

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

Terd Compendium v1.0

I like big words and I cannot lie; you other brothers can’t deny…I don’t think the rest of the lyrics will work, plus I don’t know them. You see, I like words and I like efficiency/brevity (breviciency?). These two thingies grew reproductive organs, knew each other, and birthed the concept of a “Terd”. Terd = Term+Word, 2 words to make a new term. This term is a paradox as it is composed of 2 words.They are presented here in the order in which they were born, which happened to be by date, reversally. For example, I’ve started with 7/26 (Obviously)

Terd of 7/26-Text Massage(Text Msg.+ Massage): Receiving so many texts in a short period that the vibration can be used for a massage

Text Massage eg Gal: Who keeps texting you? Guy: Does it matter? I’m getting a nice text massage

Terd of the day-Buzzled(Buzzed+Puzzled): When drinking, the point where you start feeling drunk & everything’s confusing

Buzzled eg *At restaurant* Dude 1: The check is $38.16. How much is 15% for tip? Dude 2: IDK, I’m all buzzled

Terd of 7/24-Amn’t(Am+not): Is not and are not get contractions, why not as not?

Amn’t eg Dude: You want to eat? Gal: No thanks, I amn’t hungry. Dude: I really amn’t either

Terd of 7/22-Toise(Twah-zey.Toys+Noise). Noise from toys that make it difficult to communicate

Toise eg Mom: Honey, will you come kill this gigantic spider? Dad: What? I can’t hear you over Junior’s Toise

Terd of 7/20 -Grammurder (Grammar+Murder): Writing with such poor grammar that the writer literally murders the written page.

Grammurder eg Dude: Did you read my short story? Gal: Good storyline but you grammurdered it.

Terd of 7/19-Tacknology(Tacky+Technology): Modern convenience that makes an already simple task more simple and makes you look ridiculous

Tacknology eg Guy: I got a helmet to control the cursor on a PC Gal: Looks like you’ve a satellite dish on your head. That’s some tacknology

Terd of 7/18-Nitwat(Nitwit+twat): A very unintelligent slut

Nitwat eg Gal 1: Pam has been sleeping with everyone w/o using protection since breaking up with Tom Gal 2: What a nitwat!

Terd of 7/13 – Hoblate (Ho-blah-tey. Honey+Black Tea)-A very bad combination.

Hoblate eg Dude: I’ll wear brown belt & shoes, black slacks & blue sport jacket to the wedding. ok? Gal: How hoblate! That doesn’t match

Terd of 6/29-Soysage (Soy+Sausage): Food that looks like sausage, and kinda tastes like sausage,  but is not made from meat

Soysage eg. Kid sits down for breakfast. Kid: This sausage tastes funny Mom: It’s vegetarian sausage.  It’s healthy Kid: *Gags* not soysage!

Terd of 6/22: ConNunchion (Connection+Nunchuck)-When your Wii can’t sense a nunchuck on your Wiimote.

ConNunchion eg. Guy: “My controller doesn’t work!” Friend: “You lost your Connunchion dude.”

Terd of .75 (3/4)-Funmer(Fun+Bummer)n:Happy/pleasant event that takes all the sadness/negativity from a scenario

Funmer eg Worker: I was having a perfectly miserable day until Mick brought some donuts for the break room Mate: What a Funmer, man

Terd of 3/2-Texacoma(Texaco+Coma):A catatonic state of shock resulting from hearing or seeing gas prices

Texacoma eg Brother: What ‘s wrong with Dad? Sister: He heard the price of diesel on the news and went into a texacoma

Terd of 2/27- Doormant(Doorman+Dormant): n. A lazy doorman

Doormant eg *Man carrying 2 kids* Doorman, please open the door Doormant:Sorry sir, I’m busy *turns back to “Jersey Shore”, eats some candy*

Terd 2/25-Injourney(Injury+Journey):1.Injury from a Journey/adventure 2.Injury caused by a journey/adventure

Injourney eg 1 Jarrett’s Injourney began after having a brain hemorrhagein May ’09

Injourney eg 2 Mick injourneyed to the toilet after taking a drink of tap water while on vacation in Mexico

Terd of 2/22-Sucksessful(Sucks+Successful): When you are very good at not doing well in your pursuits

Sucksessful eg Man:I lost another case, honey Wife:Another one? Man: Yep. I am the firm’s most sucksessful lawyer

Terd of 2/18-Failty(Fail+Fealty):To be loyal to failing, even in the face of imminent success

Failty eg Guy 1:DUDE! How did you fail?I gave you all the answers! Guy 2:I’ve been failing all year,why should I stop now?

Terd of 2/15-‘F’icacious(F word+Efficacious): Using the ‘F’ bomb to make something happen

F’icacious eg Gal 1: May I borrow your car? Gal 2: No Gal 1: May I borrow your f’n car? Gal 2: Ok

Terd of 2/13-Panegnacious(Panegyric+ Pugnacious): To exalt someone by assaulting him/her

Panegnacious eg Mick was so impressed by the candidate’s speech that after the event he gave him 2 black eyes and a punctured lung

Terd of 2/11-Amazombie(Amazon+Zombie):Person who mindlessly seeks merchandise on Amazon the way a zombie seeks brains

Amazombie eg Gal 1: Did you hear that Kelsi bought frozen burritos from Amazon? Gal 2: She is a total Amazombie

Terd of 2/9-Gregregious(Gregarious+Egregious):To be so sociable, it is offensive or annoying esp. w/social media

Gregregious eg FB Friend: Selling a record player? That really need to be a status update? How Gregregious

Terd of 2/8 -“On a droll” (On a roll+Droll): When a typically boring person becomes oddly humorous

On a droll eg Gal:The accounting stiff won’t stop with mustache jokes. He said covering TPS reports is a must-ache Guy: He’s been on a droll

Terd of the 2/6-Impotinent(Impertinent+Impotent): When it’s especially rude if/when a man can’t get it up

Impotinent eg Gal 1: So I do a striptease for this guy and he still can’t get it up! Gal 2: Some men are so impotinent

Irresistibullshit (Irresistible+Bullshit): A story or statement that is so preposterous, that you can’t possibly stop listening

Irresistibullshit eg BF:…Then the guy said he has herpes bc of his mustache, the girls love it GF: What a bunch of Irresistibullshit, tell me more

Terd of the Week 4-Somediquette (Social+Media+Etiquette): the rules, both tacit/overt, that guide behavior on social media sites

Somediquette eg Gal: You hear Kim’s bf dumped her by changing his fb status to single? Gal 2: OMG! He needs a Somediquette lesson!

Terd of 1/30 – Scisseared (Scissor + Ear): When your ear gets cut while getting a haircut

Scisseared eg Stylist 1: You make pretty good money today? Stylist 2: I was doing pretty well, until I scisseared my 3:00

Terd of 1/28 -Unsanctivity (Unsanctioned+ Activity): An activity/event one has to endure that is not on the agenda

Unsanctivity eg Driving to school Kid: Let’s stop for ice cream Dad: No way! We’re already running behind, ice cream would be an unsanctivity

Terd of 1/25 – Alharm (Alarm+harm): An alarm system that hurts you to remind you to do something

Alharm eg Gal: Sorry I’m late, I slept through my alarm Friend: Pain will wake you up, get an alharm

Terd of the 1/23 – Goone (Good+One): A faster way to compliment someone on a job well done

Goone eg 1 Guy telling joke:…No, but that sure is a nice ski mask *chortle* Listener: That’s a goone!

Goone eg 2 Dad: Bet you can’t hit me with a snowball Son winds up, hits him square in the balls Dad (gasping): goone son.

Terd of the 1/21-Quietc(Quiet+etc): The polite way to ask someone who has started to ramble to be quiet

Quietc eg Start topic:gun control Guy:…I explained that M&Ms taste the same regardless of color Gal:The hell you goin on about?Plz be quietc

Terd of 1/20-Impetumspect (Impetuous+ Circumspect): Thinking about committing a thoughtless act

Gal:I’ve considered the issues, I’m going to vote republican Guy:Republicans don’t think much. Seems Impetumspect

Terd of 1/18-Fotoe(Foe+Toe): An aching toe that causes you to walk funny

Fotoe eg *Man limps into room* Guy: Hurt your knee? Man: It’s my toe, it’s killin me! Guy: Sounds like a fotoe

Terd of 1/16-Blallpoint/Blullpoint pen(Black/Blue+ ballpoint pen): uhh…do I need to explain this one?

Blallpoint/Blullpoint eg Guy:Hand me a blallpoint pen, please *Gives him a blue pen* Guy:No! Not blullpoint! I need blallpoint!

Terd Of 1/15-Convertruder(conversation + intruder): person that starts the intersation (see previous Terd of 1/14)

Girl:…So I told the guy THE MUFFIN SHOP IS CLOSED! Convertruder: I LOVE muffins! Blueberry is my fave!

Terd of 1/14 – Intersation(interrupt+ conversation): New conversation that spawns from an interrupted conversation

Intersation eg Gal: …rash got so bad I had to take my dog to the vet Passerby: Ooh, I’ve a dog! Her name is Cleo

Terd of 1/12 – Divog(Diva+Dog): A dog that refuses to do something a dog should do. Variation: Prima Dogga

Divog eg Fido refused to go walking in the rain for fear that he would step in mud. Owner: “Fido, Stop being such a divog”

Terd of 1/11 – Perfert(Perfect+Pervert): A person who is flawlessly creepy and inappropriate

Perfert eg Girl 1:The old man at the register kept staring at your tits! Girl 2 Yeah! He still gave me correct change. What a perfert

Terd of the 1/10 – Moisterous (Moist+Boisterous): To become more obnoxious after getting wet

Moisterous eg After getting thrown in a pond, a moisterous Mick decided to give his elderly grandmother a noogie

Terd of 1/9 – Felying (Feline + Lying): Falsely accusing a cat

Felying eg Mom: Who left the back door open, and will help pay the electric bill? Kid: The cat Cat: *meow*

Terd of 1/7 – Daughtator(Daughter + Imitator): A mother who dresses and acts like her teenage daughter.

Daughtator eg Chick 1:Who’s the old lady in the skinny jeans walking around with Jamie? Chick 2:That’s Jamie’s mom – she’s a real daughtator

Terd of 1/6 – Populore(Popular+Lore): A legendary story (often fabricated) about how someone gained popularity

Populore eg Legend has it that Mick gained superstar status at his HS by renting the gym to the rotary club for a dance

Terd of 1/4 – Pondord(Ponder+Word): To take a moment to think of the right word

Pondord eg Terrified, Mick stopped and pondord for a moment to describe his gf’s new haircut w/o hurting her feelings

Terd of the Week 3-Traumedy(trauma+comedy): To sustain life-threatening injuries as a result of trying to be funny.

Traumedy eg *At a bar* Mick was telling the story of his gf’s sex fart. His gf walked by, overheard and punched him giving him a concussion

Terd of 12/31-Frusterical(Frustrating+Hysterical): Describes a situation that has become so frustrating, that one can’t help but laugh

Frusterical eg *Carwash* man repeatedly puts $1 in change machine,after 5th rejection – man laughs uncontrollably Observer:How frusterical!

Terd of 12/30-Castrgate(Castrate+Castigate):To reprimand a man so badly that his testicles fall off.

Castrgate eg Dude1:Melvin’s gf verbally attacked him for using the wrong detergent Dude2:Had he balls to start,they’d have been castrgated

Terd of 12/28: Beyawesome(Beyond+Awesome):Object/event so spectacular that it would be an insult to simply refer to it as “awesome”

Beyawesome eg *Two friends find a tree with money for leaves* Friend 1: This is so cool! Friend 2: Recognize, fool! This is beyawesome!

Terd of 12/26 -Scute(So + Cute): someone or something so precious, it’s description goes beyond typical levels of cute.

Scute e. g. Dude: That motorcycle is precious! Another dude: I agree. It’s scute!

Terd of 12/21-Lote(Love + Hate): To simultaneously loathe and adore someone or something

Lote eg Chick: That dress is so hot! But the coloring is all wrong! Another chick: I agree. I lote it!

Terd of 12/21: Treachicious (Treacherous+Delicious): A tasty food that’s somehow perilous to eat

Treachicious eg Dude:This is tasty! Chick:Careful.It’s poisonous if not cooked right Dude: It’s treacherous and delicious.It’s treachicious!

Terd of 12/19 – Beautrosity (Beautiful+ Monstrosity): A terrifying concept that’s still alluring

Beautrosity Ex. Some Dude: “Erica is weird looking but I can’t look away” Another Dude: “Sounds like she’s a real beautrocity

Terd of 12/17: Preydator: Prey + Predator. To hunt and be hunted at the same time.

Preydator eg Nature show-Minotaur creeps up on a unicorn.Leprechaun appears and eats him up. Narrator: “So it is for a common preydator”

Terd of 10/14: Prolastic:Protective+Plastic. *Man fussing w/plastic on coffeemaker* Wife:done?I want coffee. Man:Damn prolastic won’t come off!

Terd of 10/12: Threatertainment-Threat+Entertainment. Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”

Terd of 1/6-Populore(Popular+Lore):A legendary story (often fabricated) about how someone gained popularity

Populore eg Gal 1:Why is that ugly, smelly guy so popular? Gal 2:Rumor has it that he once drank some gas & farted a fireball

Terd of 1/2-Traumedy(trauma+comedy): To sustain life-threatening injuries as a result of trying to be funny

Traumedy eg The dorky teacher wanted to spice things up, he did the stanky leg to a song about biology. He fell and broke his hip

Terd of 12/9:”Sardy”- Sorry+Tardy. Example: Teacher:”You’re 3 min late, Mr. Student.” Student:”Sardy, Mrs. Teacher. I had to the pee.”

Terd of 10/7: “Illustrilist”. Lovechild of illustrious and list.Ex.: “This party has fancy guests.” “Yeah, it’s quite the Illustrilist.”

Terd of 10/6: “bangry”, the lovechild of bored and angry Ex.: “How do you feel about this play?” “It’s making me bangry”

Sh*t Happens, Part Two

As promised, here is part two of “Shasteriskit Happens” –

Mrs. Sanderson was making pretty good time until she reached the intersection of Main and Lyle streets. The light turned yellow, she was going to run it, but an old Ford pickup turned right onto the road ahead. She peered at the driver, an older man with long grey hair coming out of a brown cowboy hat. Stupid hick, probably late for a date with his cousin. Wouldn’t wanna be late. She chuckled to herself, amused by her own wit.

The light finally turned green, but by that time she was on the other side of the intersection; she had been eyeing the adjacent light, as soon as it was yellow her foot pounded the gas pedal.

The Jetta screamed as she flew through another intersection. She looked at the clock – 7:52 – things were looking up. She could still make it in time and have the whole hour to make her butt as tight as that waitress’s. She was coming to the intersection of Main and Whitley. The light turned yellow; even though she was sitting, she felt her butt jiggle. Not this time. She tightened her grip on the wheel and put the accelerator on the floor. After clearing this intersection she’d only be a few miles away – no more lights.

There was a long line of cars to her left, waiting to turn onto Whitley. Other than that the roadway looked clear. On the other side of Whitley was a blue Ford Econoline van marked “Squeaky Clean Maid Service – We Were Maid to Clean,” trying to turn left. The driver, a middle aged man named Flint, was having a lively debate with his passenger, Janice Jenkins.

“If Pinocchio says, “my nose will grow,” he’d be telling the truth and his nose would stay like it is.” Declared Flint smugly.

Janice shook her head, “No no no, he just lied, so his nose would grow. Are you gonna go?”

Flint smirked, “He said his nose will grow, suggesting he might lie in the future. I can’t see past this line of cars.”

“But what if he doesn’t lie? Then he woulda just lied and his nose would grow. I think it’s clear, gun it! We need to get to Dr. Hoenikker’s house by 8:30, that way we can finish by 11:30 and have a long lunch at that new Mexican buffet.” Said Janice with anticipation.

“Then that statement would turn out to be a lie and his nose would grow, which brings us back to the start. I’m gonna go for it.” Flint could see the steaming plates full of enchiladas and refried beans as he started to turn.

“Is he a real boy or…HOLY SHI…”

*CRASH!*

Before he could finish his expletive, he bit off the end of his tongue as his head snapped forward violently.

The passenger window exploded, showering Janice’s face with shards of glass.

Mrs. Sanderson, in too much of a hurry to put on her seat-belt, flew through her windshield, hit the asphalt about 40 feet away and slid another 20 feet, leaving a bloody trail laced with pink cotton from her Juicy sweat-suit. Her butt jiggled as she came to a stop.

A few miles up the road from Mrs. Sanderson’s bloody, jiggling posterior, Ben Jenkins was getting ready for work. Ben was the head custodian at Cheney Labs. Getting ready for work didn’t take long – put on clean underwear, a plain white tanktop, then slide on coveralls and he’s ready to go.

He was about to walk out the door when the phone rang. Why won’t Janice get rid of that damn thing? We both have cell phones. He reluctantly walked over to the phone, picked up the receiver, “Hello?” He huffed.

“Is this Ben Jenkins?” Asked the voice on the other end.

“Yes, and I need to go to work; I’m not interested in whatever you’re selling.” Replied Ben, impatiently.

“Mr. Jenkins, this is Officer Ozey with the highway patrol, are you the husband of Janice Jenkins?”

“Yes sir.”

“Mr. Jenkins, your wife has been involved in a collision at the intersection of Main and Whitley.” Said Officer Ozey, solemnly.

Mr. Jenkins gasped, “Is she ok?” He asked, half knowing the answer.

“There’s no easy way to say this sir, so I’ll just say it – she died. I’m so sorry.”

Ben dropped the phone and started weeping.

End of part two. Tune in tomorrow to find out if Ben broke the phone when he dropped it and if the phone was under warranty…

Thanks, Dad

Today being father’s day, I’d like to write about my dad –

2012-06-09 12.11.00

There are lots of things I can say about him to demonstrate how awesome he is –

 

– Waking up early on Saturday mornings to take me to bowling. He came in one morning that I was very sleepy, I straight up said, “I don’t wanna do it anymore.” He said “ok” and walked out of my room (none of that, “son, you need to see this through.”) He never forced anything on me, he allowed me to be myself.

 

– Taking me to the sporting goods store to buy me a new tennis racquet on the very day that I broke my old one by throwing it.

 

– The best advice I’ve ever gotten from another human being: when I was in my early teens, he told me “never apologize for who you are.” I think I understood this before the hemorrhage, but I really get it now. What you see is what you get. It may not be what you like or expect, but it’s me.

 

Thanks for being my dad, dad! If I’m a good dad it’s only because I learned from the best.

 

Happy Father’s Day!

 

FIN

@JarretLWilson