First things first – a “terd” is the union of two or more words. This salacious copulation conceives a portmanteau that can convey the same meaning as its parents in half as many words…
Gosh, that was a needlessly verbose way to say “terds” (term+word) are portmanteaus (aside: is a “terd” with three words a “portmanthree”? Or in sticking with the Frenchness – “portmantrois”?)
Here you go –
Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet) n. : A mullet so distinct it defies natural law
Paranormullet eg 1
Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink
Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers
Paranormullet eg 2
Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?
Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity
Grammurder (Grammar+Murder) n. : Writing with such poor grammar that the writer literally murders the written page.
Dude: Did you read my short story?
Gal: Good storyline but you grammurdered it.
Castrgate(Castrate+Castigate) v. :To reprimand a man so badly that his testicles fall off.
Dude1: Melvin’s gf verbally attacked him for using the wrong detergent
Dude2: Had he balls to start, they’d have been castrgated
Bisocksual (Bisexual+Socks) n. : Socks, usually medical socks, with no set heel/toe orientation. They can go either way.
Dude: Borrow some socks?
Guy: Here ya go
Dude: Where’s the heel?
Guy: Those go on either way, they’re bisocksual
McDonalzheimers (McDonald’s+Alzheimer’s) n. : A condition, prevalent among parents of young children, where the afflicted forgets every eatery but McDonald’s
Wife: FINALLY! No kids, where to eat?
Hubby: How bout McDonald’s?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about? You must have Mcdonalzheimers
WithdraWal Mart (Withdrawal+Wal Mart) n. : Condition resulting from paying too much for groceries, etc.
WithdraWal Mart eg
Cashier: Total is $52.52
Gal: WHA?!? That’s not always the low price. Always.
Guy: She is in the latter stages of withdraWal Mart
Proctorology/ist (Proctor+Proctology/ist) n. : Practice of sitting to give a test for so long that your ass aches
Teacher: My ass hurts!
Guy: Did you see a proctologist today?
Teacher: More like proctolorogist. Gave a test
Digresst (Digress+Digest) v. : To display some form of digestion burp, vomit, etc.), causing the dialogue to veer off topic
Gal:…so I told the guy ‘no, but that sure is a nice ski…*BUUUHH*
Gal: Sorry, I digresst
Buzzled(Buzzed+Puzzled) adj. : When drinking, the point where you start feeling drunk & everything’s confusing
Dude 1: The check is $38.16. How much is 15% for tip?
Dude 2: IDK, I’m all buzzled
Nitwat(Nitwit+twat) n. : A very unintelligent slut
Gal 1: Pam has been sleeping with everyone w/o using protection since breaking up with Tom
Gal 2: What a nitwat!
Texacoma(Texaco+Coma) n. :A catatonic state of shock resulting from hearing or seeing gas prices
Brother: What ‘s wrong with Dad?
Sister: He heard the price of diesel on the news and went into a texacoma
Injourney(Injury+Journey) n. :1.Injury from a Journey/adventure 2.Injury caused by a journey/adventure
Injourney eg 1
Jarrett’s Injourney began after having a brain hemorrhage in May ’09
Injourney eg 2
Mick injourneyed to the toilet after taking a drink of tap water while on vacation in Mexico
‘F’icacious(F word+Efficacious) n. : Using the ‘F’ bomb to make something happen
Gal 1: May I borrow your car?
Gal 2: No
Gal 1: May I borrow your f’n car?
Gal 2: Ok
Amazombie(Amazon+Zombie) n. :Person who mindlessly seeks merchandise on Amazon the way a zombie seeks brains
Gal 1: Did you hear that Kelsi bought frozen burritos from Amazon?
Gal 2: She is a total Amazombie
Impotinent(Impertinent+Impotent) n. : When it’s especially rude if/when a man can’t get it up
Gal 1: So I do a striptease for this guy and he still can’t get it up!
Gal 2: Some men are so impotinent
Quietc(Quiet+etc) v. : The polite way to ask someone who has started to ramble to be quiet
Start topic: gun control
Guy:…I explained that M&Ms taste the same regardless of color
Gal:The hell you goin on about? Plz be quietc
Perfert(Perfect+Pervert) n. : A person who is flawlessly creepy and inappropriate
Girl 1: The old man at the register kept staring at your tits!
Girl 2: Yeah! He still gave me correct change. What a perfert
Pondord(Ponder+Word) v. : To take a moment to think of the right word
Terrified, Mick stopped and pondord for a moment to describe his gf’s new haircut w/o hurting her feelings
Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo) n. : 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates
Pecadildo eg 1
Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq
Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!
Pecadildo eg 2
Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone
Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo
Oughtamobile (Oughta+Automobile) n. : A car with a passenger full of suggestions
Mom: You oughta take main st., we’ll get to Ikea quicker
Kid: Mom, this is MY car, not an oughtamobile!
Hemordroid (Hemorrhoid+Android) n. : An Android phone that’s a real pain in the ass
Guy on phone: …but that sure is a nice ski… hello? Damn hemordroid always dropping calls!
Primpropiety (Primp+Impropriety) n. : A faux pas caused by untimely or unwarranted grooming
Teacher 1: I got on to Amy AGAIN putting on makeup in class
Teacher 2: Yeah, I wrote her up for primpropiety last week
Jackasset (Jackass+Asset) n. : A screw-up that somehow manages to be useful
Guy: I told new guy to order 10 sets of tires. Moron ordered 100. Good thing that nail truck spilled nails all over the hw.
Gal: What a jackasset!
Faminspiration (Famine+Inspiration) n. : An extended period of creative drought
Dude: Hey Jarrett, your last couple of terds sucked and you skipped a few days
Jarrett: Sorry, dude. I’m in the midst of a faminspiration
Incommode (Income+ Commode) adj. : Term for a shitty thing to spend money on
BF: Why’s my bank account only have $11?
GF: I invested your paycheck into some vintage beanie babies
BF: In the incommode, gotcha
Paradoxymoron (Paradox+Oxymoron) n. : A contradiction of contradictions
Dude: I need a Pepsi
Guy: You don’t NEED a Pepsi, you WANT a Pepsi
Dude: I didn’t NEED a Pepsi, yet I got one – a catch-22
Guy: And you lied about needing a Pepsi, yet you ended up with one. Liar paradox
Dude: A paradoxymoron to be sure
Comma Sutra (Comma+Kama Sutra) n. : Sex session separated into two parts
Comma Sutra eg
Gal: Where are you going? We aren’t finished yet
Dude: We’ll finish later. I’ve been reading the Comma Sutra
Infamediocrity (Infamy+Mediocrity) n. : Quality of being famous for behaving normally
Gal: Did you see the last episode of “World’s Best Vacuumer”?
Dude: Yeah, that Lisa chick is headed straight for infamediocrity
Queasine (Queasy+Cuisine) n. : Fancy, expensive food that causes nausea
Dude: How’d the date go?
Guy: I bought her a $150 meal & she puked it all up
Dude: Must’ve been some fine queasine
Apostrophy Wife (Trophy Wife+Apostrophe) n. : A wife that abbreviates/cuts everything short
Apostrophy Wife eg
Man: Where’s my coffee?
Wife: You weren’t done? I threw it out & cleaned the mug
Man: I always wanted a trophy wife, but an apostrophy wife…
Sargasm (Sarcasm+Orgasm) n. : When one reaches the apex of witty commentary
Dude: …then I said ‘so’s your face!’
Gal: BAHAHA! What did he say to that?
Dude: I think I had a sargasm, we just cuddled & smoked
Underwherewithal (Underwear+Wherewithal) n. : A disturbing awareness/knowledge of other people’s underwear
Guy: OY! My boxers are itchy today
Gal: That’s bc Hanes uses subpar cotton from southern India
Guy: That’s some powerful underwherewithal
Micturatio (Micturate+Ratio) n. : Measurement comparing the amount of urine to the size of the urinater
Gal:…our 11lb son put 5lbs of pee in his diaper this morning
Dad: That micturatio doesn’t add up
Complimaint (Complaint+Compliment) n. :
1 Praise with undertones of discontent
2 Critical comment that’s unintentionally encouraging
Complimaint eg 1
Gal: I love your voice
Gal: But I don’t like the kind of music you play
Singer: What a nice complimaint
Complimaint eg 2
Waiter: The old lady at table 9 complained that there are too many big breasted girls working here
Manager: That’s not a complaint, it’s a complimaint
Retromand (Retro+Reprimand) v. : 1. Criticism for failed retro style, or 2. Criticism for a VERY old offense
Retromand eg 1
Mom: Did your new style catch on?
Girl: No. The 21st century isn’t ready for the scrunchy. I got retromanded
Retromand eg 2
Wife: …and you never complimented my haircut!
Man: That was two weeks ago! I can do without the retromand!
Ingestigation (Ingest+Investigation) n. : The stomach’s process for deciding to send food up or down
#dude: You’re looking a little green. That burrito gonna come back up?
Guy: That’s still under ingestigation
Forgication (Forge+Fornication) n. : A written account of a sexual encounter that’s probably #lies