Terd 9/27- Caffeinient

Caffeinient (Caffeine+Convenient): A fortunate coincidence where a coffee hound runs into someone w/coffee

Caffeinient eg

Gal *bedraggled*: “You find coffee?”

Guy: “Yep. Ran into Kim, turns out she has a Keurig”

Gal: “How caffeinient!”

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If The Doctor is Agnostic, Can You Trust The Diagnosis?

I’ve discovered a divergence in the lexicon, Master Obi-Webster (Obi-Wan+Webster – the dictionary guy), a “Grammberation” (Grammar + Aberration) if you will. By some coincidence, nay providence (it’s raining terds! To be struck by an anomaly unsuspectingly is “coincigence”. When considered to be an act of God or divine intervention, it’s “provigence), I was contemplating the word “diagnosis” and its playful doppelganger  “diagnostic”, when, provigence descended upon me like, to quote Marlon Brando as the psychotically quirky Colonel Walter E. Kurtz in Francis Ford Coppola’s marathon of a film Apocalypse Now, “like I was shot with a diamond…a diamond bullet right through my forehead”.

I’m getting carried away…I realized that “agnostic” was 80% of “diagnostic” in spelling and pronunciation, but maybe 5% of “diagnostic” definitionally (I thought I made that word up, but Dictionary.com says it’s legit – adverb form of “definition”…CRAZY!) That is to say, these two words…

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Terd 9/23- “Pecadildo”

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Neighbor: Whose wieners are we going to put in my buns?

Dude: Hmmm…buns with no wieners? We have a pecadildo on our hands!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: SHIT! I can’t find my phone anywhere!

Chick:  No problem; I will just call it.

Gal: That won’t do any good, it’s on vibrate.

Chick A wicked pecadildo!

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Terd – “McDonalzheimers”

McDonalzheimers (McDonald’s+Alzheimer’s): A condition, prevalent among parents of young children, where the afflicted forgets every eatery but McDonald’s

Mcdonalzheimers eg

Wife: FINALLY! No kids, where to eat?

Hubby: How bout McDonald’s?

Wife: What the hell are you talking about? You must have Mcdonalzheimers

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Terd 9/18 – “WithdraWal Mart”

WithdraWal Mart (Withdrawal+Wal Mart): Condition resulting from paying too much for groceries at a store other than Walmart

WithdraWal Mart eg

Cashier: Total is $52.52

Gal: WHA?!? That’s not always the low price. Always.

Guy: She is in the latter stages of withdrawal mart

Gal: What’s more, there was no one at the entrance to greet me!

Guy: See?

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Rime of the Alphabet

From my new blog…

Listen, words have become more than a passion for me. Back in November twenty ought sixteen, I started tutoring Chinese kids in the rigidly promiscuous tongue we call English. I always knew that the language was temperamental, but now I have first-hand experience with the treachery of this tyrannical language.

I’ve since learned that, even with only 26 letters, this diabolical series of tones we make with our face holes, produces 44 distinct sounds. Indeed, that is a 70% increase in the number of sounds one would expect to hear from speech composed of phonemes.

This would be something like going to a restaurant, ordering a cheeseburger, fries, coke and a bowl of ice cream for dessert, getting charged for the food items AND the flavor combinations they make. For example,

*man at register paying for food*

“CSS trio? I didn’t order that! $9?!?

Shit eating kid behind the register…

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Terd 9/13 – “Grammurder”

Grammurder (Grammar+Murder): Writing w/grammar so bad that the writer symbolically kills the written page.

Grammurder eg

Gal: *Opens letter from publisher*

Dear Madam, you are not a writer, you are a grammurderer. Consider this your rap sheet for crimes against punctuation, spelling, and usage –

11 counts – there/they’re/their confusion

9 counts – its/it’s misuse

2 counts – loose/lose confusion

15 counts – ending a sentence  with a preposition

Misspellings – I stopped counting at 67. My favorite –

“Are you ready for the big game?” he asked. 

“OH YEAH!” shouted Myrna a little too enthusiastically.

 “Are you excited for the oven mitt give way before the game starts?” asked Ignatius, bracing himself for another overzealous response.

“SUPPER EXITED!” she squealed.

—–

Did her dinner leave or something?

As you would say, “theirs” no one hope for you.

May God have mercy on your soul,

Larry Pulliam

Publisher

Super Awesome…

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