INTERNET! Harken this, my tale of woe, that you would have the wherewithal to avoid such atrocities. It all started on Tuesday, July 12th – the day evil thrice struck and brought me to a nadir of sadness. Like so much Quentin Tarantino, I must begin in the middle, with the second obscenity. I speak, of course, of the aural assault of Calvin Harris and Rihanna’s “This is What You Came For.” I dare not direct you to a repository where this “song” can vomit in your ear. For purposes of this post I’ll simply summarize audio abomination (audiomination?) – “You, oh, oh”…for three minutes and forty one seconds. The subject of the song is the usual pop music dribble – fornication, orangutans, breakfast cereals, and so on…

Here’s the thing, MS Word tells me that that abysmal arrangement of noises is 267 words…As I’ve said, much of the “song” is “you, oh, oh”. By much, I mean 56% of the song. The word “you” occurs 48 times, while “oh” more than doubled that, bludgeoning my ear drums 98 #+@&I’m times. From another perspective, 1:46 of the 3:41 is Rihanna saying “you, oh, oh”, that’s 106 seconds out of 221 – that’s 48%.

Listen, this affront to decent music peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100, so it was popular. Given that, I can only assume its success is based on the broken record quality of the lyrics. I’m going to apply this to my blog to see if it brings me fame and fortune. My chorus will be “donut, nut, nut”, inserted at intervals into this post, such that 56% will be “donut, nut, nut”. I’ll try to work it in naturally, like “happiness is a hot cup of coffee and a maple cake  

 

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

I’ve got my work cut out for me, good thing I like to talk about the

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

See, even there that’s only 120 words out of 430ish or roughly 28%.

 

Moving on, the second atrocity was being denied SSI and Medicaid. I’m reluctant to share this with you, the internet. This reluctance would be similar to my reluctance to share my chocolate old fashioned

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

I share it (my experience, not the donut) with you because there’s a misconception that it’s too easy to get on SSI/welfare, etc. Let me assure you, the critic of beneficent government programs, that getting government support is frustratingly difficult; when I went to the social security office to complete the application, I made sure that my belly matched my shoes, I’m sure that’s an automatic denial right there. Food and drink are not allowed in the office, so I didn’t bring in my chocolate sprinkle

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

Add to this that I waited patiently (4+ months) for my contact date (the date by which, if you haven’t heard anything, you may contact them). After holding a relatively short 35 minutes, a very terse representative of the esteemed US Social Security Administration told me that it was still pending, to call back in a few weeks. About THREE weeks go by, a period of time that I decided to cut back on sodas and sweets, such as my beloved maple bacon

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

…and I finally get a letter saying I’m not disabled enough to get benefits.

 

The last thing that day was inadvertently going through the intersection of highway 82 and highway 75, or as I call it, the nexasshole of the world.

 

Listen, never once have I gone through that junction of malign antipathy – I’m convinced that this intersection is alive and fully sentient – without stopping at BOTH red lights. I emphasize BOTH for two reasons – 1. typically, when one, say, the eastbound light turns green, the westbound light will turn green soon thereafter, and 2. The O in BOTH looks like a

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

Ok, I’m not going to reach 56% “donut, nut, nut”; I care too much about substance…

 The Geconauralic Man

…anyway, here represented are a geographic vexation, an economic transgression and an aural assault (auralt?). I will remember this period as the “geconauralic crisis”. “Crisis” vaguely sounds like “breakfast”, the best time to eat a

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

 

 

 

Not counting these words, there are a total of 1075 words. 420 of those are either “donut” or “nut”. That’s only 39%, a bit less, but you get the point. In case you don’t, have a round pastry usually with some confection on top; you know, a

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

That bumped it up to 43%, with a try.

 

FIN

 

@JarrettLWilson