The Geconauralic Crisis

 

INTERNET! Harken this, my tale of woe, that you would have the wherewithal to avoid such atrocities. It all started on Tuesday, July 12th – the day evil thrice struck and brought me to a nadir of sadness. Like so much Quentin Tarantino, I must begin in the middle, with the second obscenity. I speak, of course, of the aural assault of Calvin Harris and Rihanna’s “This is What You Came For.” I dare not direct you to a repository where this “song” can vomit in your ear. For purposes of this post I’ll simply summarize audio abomination (audiomination?) – “You, oh, oh”…for three minutes and forty one seconds. The subject of the song is the usual pop music dribble – fornication, orangutans, breakfast cereals, and so on…

Here’s the thing, MS Word tells me that that abysmal arrangement of noises is 267 words…As I’ve said, much of the “song” is “you, oh, oh”. By much, I mean 56% of the song. The word “you” occurs 48 times, while “oh” more than doubled that, bludgeoning my ear drums 98 #+@&I’m times. From another perspective, 1:46 of the 3:41 is Rihanna saying “you, oh, oh”, that’s 106 seconds out of 221 – that’s 48%.

Listen, this affront to decent music peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100, so it was popular. Given that, I can only assume its success is based on the broken record quality of the lyrics. I’m going to apply this to my blog to see if it brings me fame and fortune. My chorus will be “donut, nut, nut”, inserted at intervals into this post, such that 56% will be “donut, nut, nut”. I’ll try to work it in naturally, like “happiness is a hot cup of coffee and a maple cake  

 

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

I’ve got my work cut out for me, good thing I like to talk about the

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

See, even there that’s only 120 words out of 430ish or roughly 28%.

 

Moving on, the second atrocity was being denied SSI and Medicaid. I’m reluctant to share this with you, the internet. This reluctance would be similar to my reluctance to share my chocolate old fashioned

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

I share it (my experience, not the donut) with you because there’s a misconception that it’s too easy to get on SSI/welfare, etc. Let me assure you, the critic of beneficent government programs, that getting government support is frustratingly difficult; when I went to the social security office to complete the application, I made sure that my belly matched my shoes, I’m sure that’s an automatic denial right there. Food and drink are not allowed in the office, so I didn’t bring in my chocolate sprinkle

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

Add to this that I waited patiently (4+ months) for my contact date (the date by which, if you haven’t heard anything, you may contact them). After holding a relatively short 35 minutes, a very terse representative of the esteemed US Social Security Administration told me that it was still pending, to call back in a few weeks. About THREE weeks go by, a period of time that I decided to cut back on sodas and sweets, such as my beloved maple bacon

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

…and I finally get a letter saying I’m not disabled enough to get benefits.

 

The last thing that day was inadvertently going through the intersection of highway 82 and highway 75, or as I call it, the nexasshole of the world.

 

Listen, never once have I gone through that junction of malign antipathy – I’m convinced that this intersection is alive and fully sentient – without stopping at BOTH red lights. I emphasize BOTH for two reasons – 1. typically, when one, say, the eastbound light turns green, the westbound light will turn green soon thereafter, and 2. The O in BOTH looks like a

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

Ok, I’m not going to reach 56% “donut, nut, nut”; I care too much about substance…

 The Geconauralic Man

…anyway, here represented are a geographic vexation, an economic transgression and an aural assault (auralt?). I will remember this period as the “geconauralic crisis”. “Crisis” vaguely sounds like “breakfast”, the best time to eat a

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

 

 

 

Not counting these words, there are a total of 1075 words. 420 of those are either “donut” or “nut”. That’s only 39%, a bit less, but you get the point. In case you don’t, have a round pastry usually with some confection on top; you know, a

 

“donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut,

donut, nut, nut, donut, nut, nut”

 

That bumped it up to 43%, with a try.

 

FIN

 

@JarrettLWilson

 

5 thoughts on “The Geconauralic Crisis

  1. Jarrett, you have my complete empathy. I’ve known people on SSI, but in the last few years I only know of two who got approved. One was….emotionally erratic….The other didn’t get it until after her funeral. You may not be considered disabled enough, but the extreme challenge (as you know) is getting someone to pay you for the abilities you have—I wish you well!!

    1. Mrs. Blagg! You took the words right outta my mouth. I have many skills to pay the bills. I think I let my disabilities take center stage, then I get upset when my abilities aren’t recognized. I think a attitude change is in order – I’m not lucky when I find a good job, an employer is lucky when they hire me. As a failsafe, I’ll be more emotionally erratic; maybe that’s the key to getting on SSI.

  2. If, as you typed, this is only your second try… third try is a charm. For me it was “the third try right after getting a brain surgery and still wearing the wraps on my skull”….. that made it easier, maybe? You can’t just give up, you just have to make sure you get a lawyer. That isn’t any big deal. They just want a small percentage of the money you “win”…. up to a certain amount. No big deal for me. You wouldn’t believe the multiple number houses I rent to hold the pennies equaling the amount that I own… And fill more and more monthly. (well, I use a couple here and there)

    Try again! Get a lawyer! You’ll win!

    And if you don’t, you can punch me. You just have to drive to me… 😛

    1. OY! Sorry for not responding sooner, I just seen this. So you’re telling me that I just need to persist? That is what I hear, I just sent off my appeal form with a whole bunch of doctors appointments listed. Hopefully, that is the coup de grace for their case against denying me. So you ended up hiring a lawyer? Starting to sound like getting a lawyer is standard procedure. I suppose my question to you would be, did they think that you were capable of gainful full-time employment despite your disability? I guess that is what they think about me, I am disabled, but not too disabled to hold down gainful employment.

      I don’t want to drive all the way up there. I’ll just hire a guy with a very big fist who lives near you to go clobber you and send my warmest regards.

  3. Oh man – just came back and read your tale of woe for the second time. As a Canadian I often forget the glaring difference between ours and the American system. Wish I could offer advice you’ll have to settle for optimistic encouragement. Good luck from an internet stranger who loathes “donut” as much as Rihanna’s “umbrella, brella, la, la la” 🙂

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