Lent

I was on the Bookface recently and had a moment of clarity. I was commenting about how it was raining…AGAIN!  Being the risk-taking maverick that I am, I attached a comment about Lent. It reads thusly –

“Oh look. It’s raining. Side note – surely Jesus had ONE thin mint during those 40 days in the desert here. That gets me to thinking – I wonder if “desert” and “dessert” are so closely related because people often give up sweets for lent.”

I thought it might be time for some fun facts about lent, dessert and the desert. Firstly, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I’ve always been curious about the word “Lent”. I thought for sure it was Latin for “deprivation” or “control yourself”.

Turns out it means “spring”. Here, this guy says it better “The word Lent itself is derived from the Anglo-Saxon words lencten, meaning “Spring,” and lenctentid, which literally means not only “Springtide” but also was the word for “March,” the month in which the majority of Lent falls.”*

For those pagans out there who don’t observe the Catholic faith, Lent is a period, lasting roughly 40 days, of austere prohibition of some desirable item or activity. I didn’t know there was a debate on this, but some religions say Lent is 40 days, others say 44, some say it when they talk about letting people borrow stuff in the part tense (i.e. I Lent Jasper my copy of National Enquirer, he wanted to read the article about about the talking alien space dog that came to warn us that his owners were planning to invade earth); also “lent” is a mispronunciation of the furry stuff in your pockets after getting them out of the dryer…

…Moving on…

… This is done in observance of Jesus’s 40ish days of prayer and contemplation in the desert (or wilderness, depending on who you’re taking to, I saw an enterprising article use the term “desert wilderness”, I think I’ll go with that); and what distracts you from prayer and contemplation more than eating?

One consumable that can really spoil even the most meditative mood is dessert. Armed with that knowledge and the fact that dessert is only one letter removed, I had to dig deeper. Turns out,
“dessert” and “desert” are both French.

“Dessert” is derived from the French desservir, a compound of des, or “removal”, along with servir, which means “perform complex calculations while wearing a shako”…errr…It simply means “to serve”.

In essence, dessert is literally “to remove that which was served”. You might also say it is “deserved” – but that is a horse of a different color.

Before this lexplanation (oooh, I like that) gets overlong, let’s have a look at desert.

Checking multiple sources, it seems that desert ultimately stems from the late Latin desertum, or “thing abandoned”. It also meant “neuter” as a noun in the past participle. What does that mean? As much of a grammar Nazi as I am, this one is tricky. I’m going to hide behind the nuances of language and say that an English translation is not grammatically possible.
If anyone out there can use desert to mean neuter as a noun in past participle, feel free to comment and rub it in my face.

How do these words relate?

Hmmm…

Dessert is literally clearing the table, essentially turning the table into a desert, devoid of any and all sustenance. As such, to have dessert is to create a desert. Moreover, deserts have been cleared of all things that might be considered sustenance, therefore the desert is the earth’s dessert. This means that the two words, in either context, are interchangeable.

For instance –
Cake enthusiast after dinner: “Where’s the cake? The table is a dessert.”
Crotchety grandma: “Quiet you, desert is on the way!”

FIN

@JarrettLWilson

* http://www.catholiceducation.org/en/culture/catholic-contributions/history-of-lent.html

Terd Compendium v2.0

Over the next few days, I’ll be posting the totality of my “Terds”. For those of you who don’t know what a “Terd” is, it’s a term formed from two or more words – term+word=Terd. Definitions and examples are pretty compact to meet with Twitter’s character limit – I’ve embellished a few. The very first Terd, tweeted way back in two ought twelve is “bangry”, I’ll reprint the explanation here –

“Bangry” is the lovechild of bored and angry. The library lady where I work was telling a story about her mom being “bored and angry”. I conceived “bangry” on the spot. Here’s how it is used – let’s say you’re a dude, and your girlfriend drags you to a girlie play that you have no interest in. You’re already angry for having to go and now you have to watch a boring play. The artsy emo chick at the concession booth who wants a part in the play, but doesn’t get one so she works the concession booth to be “close to the magic,” asks how you are doing. You reply, “I’m bangry.” With the time you saved from saying one word instead of two, you’ll be able to get back to your seat in time for the second half of the play. Doing this will certainly make you “bangrier” (or would it be “more bangry”?).

This and more silliness was originally posted HERE.

I’m not sure how many there are, but I’m sure it’s somewhere between one and 794,152.
Though each one is my favorite in its own way, I’ve selected five “super – favorites” for your immediate perusal. They appear at the top of the list, set apart by a *. If you think you can do better with a definition and/or example, have at it. Twill be a “terd-off” for the ages!

ThreatertainmentThreatertainment-Threat+Entertainment.

Example- Salesman: “3D TV may cause seizures.” Customer:”That’s Threatertainment!”

 

*Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Nearoticked off (Near+Erotic+Ticked off): To be so close to getting turned on then get seriously upset for not getting over the hump

Nearoticked off eg

Bouncer: What’s wrong with him?

Stripper: His wife called while I was giving him a lap dance- killed the mood. Now he’s nearoticked off

 

Therorist (Therapist+Terrorist): A therapist that uses very grueling methods

Therorist eg

Therapist: 70 more lunges to warm up, then we’ll get started

Patient: You’re not a therapist; you’re a therorist

 

Theoreimburse (Theory+Reimburse): A loan that the lender assumes will be repaid, but the lendee sees as a gift

Theoreimburse eg

Lender: You ever gonna pay me back the money I loaned you for the toilet wand?

Lendee: In theoreimburse

 

Oughtamobile (Oughta+Automobile): A car with a passenger full of suggestions

Oughtamobile eg

Mom: You oughta take main st., we’ll get to Ikea quicker

Kid: Mom, this is MY car, not an oughtamobile!

 

Titerature (Tits+Literature): Any part with words in a dirty magazine

Titerature eg

Guy: Why does Playboy print so many words? I just wanna look at the pics

Dude: You’re missing out on some fine titerature

 

Prickaution (Prick+Caution): Advanced warning that some dude is an asshole

Prickaution eg

Gal: I’ve a date with Mick Friday

Chick: Just a prickaution, that jerk won’t pay for dinner

 

Bramp (Bra+Cramp): An unpleasant sensation caused by a bra

Gal: Why you walking all crooked? Your back hurt?

Girl: No. Have a wicked bramp

 

Antichrist Tea (Antichrist+Iced tea): Iced tea that tastes so bad, it’s evil

Antichrist Tea eg

Waiter: Everything taste ok?

Gal: This tea is terrible! It’s the antichrist tea!

 

Paranormullet (Paranormal+Mullet): A mullet so distinct it defies natural law

Paranormullet eg 1

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powersParanormullet eg

Gal: Jeb always seems to know what I’m thinking, before I say I’m thirsty, he brings me a drink

Chick: It’s his paranormullet, it gives him psychic powers

Paranormullet eg 2

Gal: Why are there rocks and twigs floating around Jeb’s head?

Guy: It’s his paranormullet , it has its own gravity

 

Plissant (Pleasant+Pissant): A very likable waste of space

Plissant eg

Mom: OMG! Our son charged those beautiful flowers he sent for mother’s day to the credit card

Dad: What a plissant!

 

Foolfilling (Fool+Fulfilling): Tip live up to a reputation for being unintelligent or ignorant

Foolfilling eg

Dude: What’s Kip doing in your car with that can of spinach?

Gal: A sign at school says “Can food drive”, he’s testing it out

Dude: How foolfilling!

 

Mechan’tic (Mechanic+Can’t): A car repairman that gives up too easily

Mechan’tic eg

Wife: What did the mechanic say?

Man: He said it’d be too hard to fix

Wife: More of a mechan’tic if you ask me

 

PiPhone (Pi+iPhone): Nickname for someone’s phone when you can only recall 3 or so #s

PiPhone eg

Dude: …give him a call, his # is 314…uh…

Gal: Must have a piPhone

 

Hemordroid (Hemorrhoid+Android): An Android phone that’s a real pain in the ass

Hemordroid eg

Guy on phone: …but that sure is a nice ski… hello? Damn hemordroid always dropping calls!

 

Democrap/Repooplican (Democrat+Crap/Republican+Poop): A politician who’s full of shit

Democrap/Repooplican eg

Guy: Senator Smith is full of shit, he must be a democrap

Gal: Actually, he’s a repooplican

 

Cosmopolitent (Cosmopolitan+Tent) 1.A really swanky camping setup or, 2. A trashy house with a few fancy features.

Cosmopolitent eg 1

Dude: I want your finest cosmopolitent

Salesman: This tent comes equipped with a butler, bidet and central heating and air

Cosmopolitent eg 2

Gal: These red velvet drapes are really fancy

Chick: Thanks, I needed something to match the rust on the car on the lawn

 

Vapornography (Vapor+Pornography): Dirty magazines and/or videos that turn in a cloud of vapor when a gf or parent is near

Vapornography eg

Ad in porno mag

Don’t you hate it when your girl or parents walk in on you when you’re watching porn? Avoid those awkward moments with vapornography.

 

Spowel (Sports+Towel): A towel acquired at a sporting event

Spowel eg

Gal: How was the game?

Guy: Awesome! But I’m exhausted. Every time they scored I vigorously flailed my spowel

 

Modulard (Modular+Lard): Pockets of fat that seem to exist independently from where day would normally be

Modulard eg

Dude: Is that guy hiding a football under this armpit? BY

Gal: I don’t think so – looks like modulard

 

Dirge-gerbil (Dirge+Gerbil+Dirigible): 1. A funeral song for a departed pet gerbil 2. A gerbil shaped airship that plays laments

Dirge-gerbil eg 1

Priest: Nibbles was a noble companion right up until his death by eating pencil shavings. His owner, Mick has prepared a dirge-gerbil in his memory

Dirge-gerbil eg 2

Dude: Holy shit! There’s a giant gerbil in the sky!

Guy: It’s just a dirge-gerbil, dude. Some rich guy’s gerbil must’ve just died

 

Primpropiety (Primp+Impropriety): A faux pas caused by untimely or unwarranted grooming

Primpropiety eg

Teacher 1: I got on to Amy AGAIN putting on makeup in class

Teacher 2: Yeah, I wrote her up for primpropiety last week

 

Inadvortentous (Inadvertent+Portentous): To unwittingly commit a previously declared act

Inadvortentous eg

Guy: Why does Amy smell like puke?

Dude: Dan puked on her. He said he was going to party til he pukes. Proved to be inadvortentous

 

Jackasset (Jackass+Asset): A screw-up that somehow manages to be useful

Jackasset eg

*Tire shop*

Guy: I told new guy to order 10 sets of tires.  Moron ordered 100. Good thing that nail truck spilled nails all over the hw.

Gal: What a jackasset!

 

Faminspiration (Famine+Inspiration): An extended period of creative drought

Faminspiration eg

Dude: Hey Jarrett, your last couple of terds sucked and you skipped a few days

Jarrett: Sorry, dude. I’m in the midst of a faminspiration

 

Zeppelinfallible ((Led) Zeppelin+Infallible): Term that describes a band that, like Led Zeppelin, is incapable of making bad music

Zeppelinfallible eg

At concert

Dude: I love this song! Aw fuck, I love them all!

Guy: No shits, dude. These guys are zeppelinfallible!

 

Crapplication (Crap+Application): An app that tells you the appropriate cuss word (crap, shot, poo, etc.) for a given situation

Crapplication eg

*Meteor hits car*

Owner: …

Dude: Can’t think of an expletive? There’s a crap(plication) for that

 

Osamama (Osama(Bin Laden)+Mama): A mother so strict, it borders on terrorism

Osamama eg

Guy: Comin to the game tonite?

Dude: Can’t. I came in late last nite, so my osamama slashed my tires

 

Girthday (Girth+(Birth)Day):1. A very long day on your birthday, or

2.A long day that promises to stretch on longer

Girthday eg 1

Gal: Why the long face? Shouldn’t you be happy on your bday?

Chick: Kim called in sick. I hafta work a double. This is the worst girthday ever

Girthday eg 2

Gal: Is it 5 yet?

Guy: Not even close, and we still need to fill out our TPS reports

Gal: What a girthday

 

Incommode (Income+ Commode): Term for a shitty thing to spend money on

Incommode eg

BF: Why’s my bank account only have $11?

GF: I invested your paycheck into some vintage beanie babies

BF: In the incommode, gotcha

 

Austeerie (Austere+Eerie): Oddly strict #grounded

Austeerie eg

Gal: Wanna come over?

Chick: Can’t. Grounded for using the wrong fabric softener

Gal: How austeerie

 

Paradoxymoron (Paradox+Oxymoron): A contradiction of contradictions

Paradoxymoron eg

Dude: I need a Pepsi

Guy: You don’t NEED a Pepsi, you WANT a Pepsi

*buys Pepsi*

Dude: I didn’t NEED a Pepsi, yet I got one – a catch-22

Guy: And you lied about needing a Pepsi, yet you ended up with one. Liar paradox

Dude: A paradoxymoron to be sure

 

Apologeez (Apologies+ Geez): An apology given after an accusatory rant

Apologeez eg

Gfl:…AND STOP LEAVING YOUR SOCKS ON THE FLOOR AFTER YOU WORKOUT, THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTEN OATMEAL!

BF: My apologeez

 

Pecadildo (Pecadillo+ Dildo): 1. A small, wiener shaped problem 2. A small problem that vibrates

Pecadildo eg 1

Dude: DAMMIT! I forgot the hotdogs for the bbq

Guy: Quite a pecadildo you’ve created!

Pecadildo eg 2

Gal: I put your phone on vibrate while you were gone

Chick: OY! I miss a very important call bc of that pecadildo

 

Comma Sutra (Comma+Kama Sutra): Sex session separated into two parts

Comma Sutra eg

Gal: Where are you going? We aren’t finished yet

Dude: We’ll finish later. I’ve been reading the Comma Sutra

 

Throatmeal (Throat+Oatmeal).n: Vomit

Throatmeal eg

Dad: Why’s there oatmeal all over the table?

Mom: It WAS oatmeal. Jr puked – now it’s throatmeal

 

Farticipation (Fart+Participation).n: An instance when passing gas is an individual’s only contribution.

Farticipation eg

Teacher: Does anyone recall the significance of the battle of Saratoga?

Kid: *pfft*

Teacher: Thank you, Sam, for your farticipation

 

Condomnation (Condom+Condemnation): Unjustly made to wear a condom

Condomnation eg

*couple bout to have sex*

Wife: You’ve a condom?

Hubby: Baby, we’ve been married for over a year! When’s this condomnation gonna end?

 

Flatulance (Flatulance+Lance): Violently smelly farts

Gal: Why is your nose bleeding?

Chick: My bf farted, I took a whiff & my nose started bleeding

Gal: Some dangerous flatulance!

 

Infamediocrity (Infamy+Mediocrity): Quality of being famous for behaving normally

Infamediocrity eg

Gal: Did you see the last episode of “World’s Best Vacuumer”?

Dude: Yeah, that Lisa chick is headed straight for infamediocrity

 

Algebrassierre (Algebra+Brassierre): A bra that’s very difficult to put on or take off

Algebrassierre eg

Chick: Girl, where IS your bra?

Gal: You mean my algebrassiere? Getting the damn thing to hook was like trying to solve balance complex equations.

 

 

Queasine (Queasy+Cuisine): Fancy, expensive food that causes nausea

Queasine eg

Dude: How’d the date go?

Guy: I bought her a $150 meal & she puked it all up

Dude: Must’ve been some fine queasine

 

Kleenexcavate/ion (Kleenex+Excavate): Using a tissue & finger to thoroughly probe and remove boogers from your nose

Kleenexcavate/ion eg

*Kid w/finger halfway up his nose*

Mom: Please wash your hands after you finish your kleenexcavation

 

8-bitch/ing (8-bit+bitch/ing): 1. A very unpleasant woman with blotchy makeup 2. A simple, 2 dimensional complaint

8-bitch eg

Gal: That hag with makeup like bozo the clown stole my parking space as I was pulling in

Chick: What an 8-bitch!

8-bitching eg

Dude: I hate republicans – they’re all too old and they have big noses

Guy: Dude! Quit your 8-bitching!

 

Pharmracist (Pharmacist+Racist): A pharmacist that judges the efficacy of a drug by it’s color

Pharmracist eg

Customer: Will this drug help my indigestion?

Pharmracist: Probably not, it’s purple. Now, if it was yellow…

Terd 12/8- Disclaimirth (Disclaimer+Mirth)

 

Nazima (Nazi+Noxzema): A very one-sided, unrelenting, yet effective pimple cream

Nazima eg

*TV ad*

Announcer: Once you try Nazima, YOUR FACE BELONGS TO NAZIMA! You’ll like it so much, your face will breakout worse if you stop!

 

Appulse (Apples+Pulse).n: When one is vitally tied to his/her iPhone

Appulse eg

Dude: What’s wrong with Dave?

Guy: He lost his iPhone, he has no appulse

 

Apostrophy Wife (Trophy Wife+Apostrophe): A wife that abbreviates/cuts everything short

Apostrophy Wife eg

At breakfast

Man: Where’s my coffee?

Wife: You weren’t done? I threw it out & cleaned the mug

Man: I always wanted a trophy wife, but an apostrophy wife…

 

Snow Dacation (Snow Day+Vacation): A series of 3 or more days off work/school due to snow

Snow Dacation eg

Kid 1: School’s been cancelled again!

Kid 2: SWEET! That’s 3 days straight! This is turning into a snow dacation

 

Voluntold (Volunteer+Told): 1. v. Appointing a volunteer when no one volunteers. 2.n. A person who has been voluntold.

Voluntold eg 1

Mr. Lee: May I have a volunteer to solve the problem on the board?

Ok, Brad, c’mon up.

Kid: Brad got voluntold!

Voluntold eg 2

Brad: …then he said “may I have a volunteer that can do it right?”

Passerby: You musta been one of Mr. Lee’s voluntolds

 

Deatconstruct/ion (Deconstruction+Eat): Taking something apart by eating it

Deatconstruct/ion eg

*Couple builds a gingerbread house*

Girl: Should we eat it now?

Man: Let the deatconstruction begin!

 

Fumorous (Fume+Humorous): Describes something so funny that it causes you to fart.

Fumorous eg

Dude: …I said ‘no, but that’s a nice ski mask!’

Guy: BAHAHA *pfft* that’s quite fumorous

 

Sargasm (Sarcasm+Orgasm): When one reaches the apex of witty commentary

Sargasm eg

Dude: …then I said ‘so’s your face!’

Gal: BAHAHA! What did he say to that?

Dude: I think I had a sargasm, we just cuddled & smoked

 

Underwherewithal (Underwear+Wherewithal): A disturbing awareness/knowledge of other people’s underwear

Underwherewithal eg

Guy: OY! My boxers are itchy today

Gal: That’s bc Hanes uses subpar cotton from southern India

Guy: That’s some powerful underwherewithal

 

Hardcordio (Hardcore+Cardio): A very intense aerobic workout

Hardcordio eg

Guy: Great workout today! Got my heart rate to 160

Gal: Dude! That’s hardcordio!

 

Zobot/Rombie (Robot+Zombie): A machine or device that was thought to be dead, but starts working for no apparent reason

Zobot/Rombie eg

*Guy vacuuming*

Gal: Hmm, I thought the vacuum was dead

Guy: It has new life, it’s a rombie

 

Chowlenge (Chow+Challenge): 1. A seemingly insurmountable amount and/or variety of food 2. An eating competition

Chowlenge eg 1

Waiter: …if you eat 10 wings with chocolate habenero sauce, you get your pic on the wall!

Guy: Now that’s a chowlenge!

Chowlenge eg 2

Dude: I bet I can drink more sausage gravy than you

Guy: Is that a chowlenge?

 

Endorkins (Endorphins+Dork): Chemical in the brain that makes one more nerdy

Endorkins eg

Gal: …the guy said I needed a better anti-virus and Malwarebytes

Guy: PC talk always gets my endorkins going

Poupon (Poop+Coupon): 1. A stinky (worthless) coupon 2. A coupon for toilet paper 3. A turd that’s paper thin from being stepped on so many times

Poupon eg 1

Checker: For being such a valued customer, here’s a coupon for .25 off an iPad air.

Gal: I don’t need that poupon, thanks

Poupon eg 2

Gal: Jesus! This toilet paper is $9 for 2 rolls!

Chick: I’ll check the paper for a poupon

Poupon eg 3

Dude: …that’s not shit, it’s a patch of mud

Guy: No, dude. It’s a poupon. It’s been stepped on too many times

 

Urinventory (Urine+Inventory): A fancy word for pee

Urinventory eg

*Family road trip*

Kid: Hey dad, can we stop soon? I need to clear out my urinventory; EVERYTHING MUST GO…into the toilet

 

Mundayta(Monday+Mundane+ Data): Very boring information, usually received on a Monday

Mundayta eg

Boss: IT updated the system over the weekend. The default background is now cornflower blue

Guy: Thanks for the mundayta

 

Sexond (Second+Sex): Describes a very, very, very brief sexual encounter

Sexond eg

Bf: Can I get a little?

Gf: I need to go to work

Bf: C’mon it’ll only take a sexond

 

EureKOME ON! (Eureka+COME ON): Command shouted to get inspiration to get off her bitchass & enlighten you

EureKOME ON! eg

Inside Jarrett’s head

Need a terd for today…how bout hypnotaze? Ugh, that sucks. EureKOME ON!

 

Enlightning (Enlightning+Lightning): Inspiration’s volatile response to eureKOME ON!

Enlightning eg

Dude: Why is Mick all bloody?

Guy: He was having trouble writing a fight scene, he asked a MMA guy for some info. so he beat the shit outta him. Enlightning, no?

 

Briefrain (Briefs+Refrain): A cry of pain due to uncomfortable underwear

Briefrain eg

Dude: Hanes! Hear my briefrain! Would it that my briefs weren’t so tight that my balls wouldn’t feel as eggs in a vice!