Inspired by countless ads for everything from poultry cookers (“set it and forget it!”)to a a very miraculously absorbent shammy (“all I can say is ShamWOW!”), I came up with this message to inform teaching teachers that one of their students has a book ready to be checked out. Again. * represents a student’s name –
Are you tired of coming to the library only to find the book you’re looking for is checked out? Tired of that empty feeling when you look on the shelf where your book should be and seeing a book shaped hole? Do you wish there was a way to “hold” a book, so that it’s kept in your name when it’s returned? Are you tired of all the questions in this e-mail? GOOD NEWS! No more questions, and * answered yes to each of the first three questions, put a book on “hold” and now it’s ready! Be warned! This “hold” will expire on TUESDAY 1/10.
For this reserve e-mail, I ripped off Styx’s “Mr. Roboto”. The ‘+’ represents the teacher’s name, the –o would be added onto the end of that name (for instance, if the teachers name was Mr. Kotter, I’d first to welcome him back, and I would address him as Mr. Kotter-o). The “*” represents a student’s name.
Domo Arigato Mrs. +-o,
You’re wondering who I am – machine or library man. I send out hold e-mails and like to write tall tales!I’ve got a hold, ready for *
She has until, MONDAY 11/21, to get this far
So if you see me acting strangely, that’s really bad,
I hate to see, a hold go wasted, it makes me sad,
Send her on time, send her on time,
Can’t find a word to rhyme (oh wait)
I send messages to reading teachers to inform them that one of their students has a book on hold. I started writing these clever poems & vignettes. * = a student’s name.
I was sitting on my chair,
On my desk there were no holds there.
I turned to a patron, “turn that book in if you dare!”
She didn’t have one book, but a pair.
When I checked them in I received a scare!
It turns out that, to wait in line and be fair,
Both * & * had laid bare
Their intentions to tear
Through these books when they came to their
Possession. They have until TUESDAY 3/6 if they care.
I’m not sure what I was thinking on the last three posts. I guess I wanted to spread my writing wings.
Fact is, this blog started as a means to inform those close to me on my condition. I’ve since used it to share my experiences of life after brain surgery.
Recently, I’ve gotten comments about how insightful and informative some of my posts are.
That being the case, I need to get back to my roots – I like the idea that someone can benefit from my experiences.
With this post, I’m getting back to basics. I’ve mentioned before that you (yes, you there with the pants) should be your own advocate. That is, if you are facing adversity, do your homework to make your life easier. Therefore, I’m
going to lay out the adaptations of the Jarrett in the form of a nature show.
Thing is, the nature shows that I remember (the good ones, anyway) were narrated by Australians, so this blog will be written with an Australian inflection. If you’d like me to clarify anything from this, leave a comment. Here goes. Before I start, I would like to announce that I’m cutting back to a post every two weeks. I plan on focusing more effort on writing a book and illustrating my “Terds”. No, I’m not going to draw pictures of my poop; I’m talking about this silly words that I come up with and tweet; I’ve put a few examples at the bottom of this post. I reserve the right to throw a post out there when the urge hits me; but as far as regular posts, I’m cutting back to one every two weeks. Moving on –
Let’s watch as the majeestic Jarretto Awesomicus goes through hees morning reechal (ritual) –
Noteece that eet’s extremely urly. The Jarretto will wake up up to three hours before werk to make all the necesseery preparations. The Jarretto does thees for all commeetments – thees ees most lih-kely due to hees slow pace.
CRIKY! We’re getting a reh (rare) gleempse at one of the Jarretto’s morning exyersyah-zes (exercises) – the postyah (posture) and stability vogue. Een thees exyersyah-ze, the Jarretto flails his ahms about Een front of a mirrah to monitah and correct hees postyah.
What’s thees? He appeahs to be streetching hees amstrings. He does thees to loosen up the muscles een hees legs a beet (bit). You see, the spasteecity (spasticity) een hees legs makes hees muscles veery tih-ght. He ees done streetching and has moved on to his balance and weight beering (baring) exyersyah-ze. During thees exersyah-ze, the Jarretto balances on his left leg for at least 30 seconds and weel often try for up to a meenit (minute)
Now we see the Jarretto putting a Swedeesh knee cage (knee brace) on hees left leg. You see, the Jarretto’s brain doesn’t tell his left amstring to fie-ah (fire) when he straightens hees leg, causing heem to hyperexteend hees knee. Eef he deedn’t have thees brace, hees knee wood sirtinly break Een ‘af.
Ee’s of now to feeneesh getting ready for woork. But that wraps it up for us. We hope you’ve enjoyed thees edeetion of “The Wilds of a Brain Injurah-d Routine”. G’day, mates!
Tags I still have left: Botox causality cavernoma Conditions and Diseases Dog Health Life Alert Magnetic resonance imaging Medicine OWFI Recreation Satan Shopping Skylander spasticity sporks tattoos TBI the big lebowski Trauma and Injuries TRILS
“Wait, yoo don’t nyeed to get to da choppah. I’m a vyizerd. I can use myagic to zap yoo dehr.” Said Schwarzenegger apologetically.
“Then why’d you throw me?” Asked Zumba angrily.
“I wanted to shout GET TO DA CHOPPAH!”
Zumba huffed, “That’s just silly. Can we get going please?”
*ZAM* Just as he got the last word out he saw a bright flash of light and heard a loud crack. His feet came out from under him, he fell and smacked his head on a concrete sidewalk where his front lawn used to be.
Zumba and Mr. T were standing in front of a run-down Denny’s.
Zumba stood up, rubbed the back of his head… I’ll finish the rest of the story on Saturday, promise.
…Just as Bender was telling Fry to bite his shiny metal ass, there was a knock at the door and the sound of someone dry heaving.
“Come in!” Shouted Zumba.
Schwarzenegger walked in, bumping his gratuitously tall hat on the doorway.
Mr.T followed meekly behind him, one hand wrapped around a bucket, the other holding his stomach. His eyes were watery and very bloodshot.
Zuma stuck out a hand, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. T.”
Mr. T’s cheeks puffed out, face turned green and quickly lowered his head into the bucket, “BWAAAAHHH!”
Mr.T heaved once more then stuck his hand out.
“Mistah T is getting vyorse by da minute. If we don’t hurry he might hyaf a brain heemrage and need brain surgery.” Schwarzenegger said grimly.
Mr. T pulled his head out of the bucket, “I pity da foo who needs brain surgery – they go through yerrs of physical therrapy.”
“Yes, nyeurosyurgery is sometheeng to avoid if yoo can.” Offered Schwarzenegger.
Mr.T started throwing up again. Schwarzenegger grabbed Zumba, “Aw yoo ready to go? A helicoptah eee waiting for yoo.”
“I’d like to finish my orange juice first if you don’t mind.”
Schwarzenegger flung him towards the sidewalk in front of his home and yelled, “I do mind! Now RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!
OY! This story is running away from me, but I like where it’s going. Furthermore, I’m so busy that I’m contemplating giving up sleep. I’ve already given up eating and I’m fine; the purple leprechaun with the voice of Sean Connery assures me that I don’t need sleep either.
I told my neighbor about “LepreSean” and he said that I was hallucinating, that I should eat. I told LepreSean about this and said, “Thish ish intolerable…”I didn’t catch the rest because I passed out.
Anyway, my point is that I hope to have this epic tale of vomiting and the Rocky Mountain Aztec Gods tomorrow. Stay tuned!