HOO-DINT and Talking to a Guy, but Not Really

ITEM! My double vision continues, but with small improvements. My neurosurgeon in Dallas says the MRI report…uh, reported no abnormalities. Thing is, the report is just that, a report. That is, the radiologist at the local hospital looked at the scans and reported his findings on the report. All due respect to the local medical talent, but they don’t know a cavernoma from… something that isn’t a cavernoma (I can’t think of anything, sorry). My point is that I’ll have a more definitive answer after my neurosurgeon views the scans. Until then, it is his assertion that I’ve had a “micro-bleed”

I’ve come up with a very clever TBI is…To Better Inform (clever, no?) you of my perspective of such a small bleed –

…Tiny Bleed Interruption-Unconfirmed, but I might’ve had a “micro-bleed” which will be a minor blip on my plan for world domination

The thing that’s very puzzling about this instance is that I’ve felt no other symptoms. As such, I feel confident enough that I can declare this a “minor blip”. I hope this doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass – I’ve found that making statements such as that are an invitation for bad sh*t to happen.

The other possibility is that the double vision is a side effect of a new medication. I think there are some who wouldn’t (aside: there are two possible word combinations there – 1. ‘Who wouldn’t…’ and, 2. ‘Who’d not…’ I propose a three way contraction (menage a troiction?) – who’d’nt – I suppose it’d be pronounced “HOO-DINT”). This new phrasing in mind, allow me to rewrite the second sentence of this paragraph. I think there are some who’d’nt mention the name of the drug because they don’t want to offend the manufacturer or make it known that they have a disorder that requires said medication, but I have no such qualms. Listen, the medication under discussion is called Viibryd. Now that that I think about it, there are two ‘i’s because, after taking it, you’ll have twice as many eyes. Anyway, I started taking this stuff to treat depression – Zoloft just weren’t cuttin the mustard no more. I have to make a choice – do I want to be more happier and see two of everything? or see one of everything and be less happier?

Finally, you might be wondering what it’s like to have double vision. A man stopped me on the street and asked me about that the other day. He tapped me on the shoulder with his purse (I thought it might have been a woman until I heard him talk). With a face that looked like a feminine Martin Sheen and a voice like Mr. T, he said, “I pity da foo with double vision, what’s it like? And have you seen Rocky? He owes me a rematch.” I looked at him in disbelief, how does this stranger know about my double vision?  Then I considered my eye patch

I call this one "Patch on Right Eye Jarrett" because the patch is on my right eye.
I call this one “Patch on Left Eye Jarrett” because the patch is on my right eye.I call this one "Patch on Left Eye Jarrett" because the patch is on my rig...err, left eye
I call this one “Patch on Right Eye Jarrett” because the patch is on my lef…err, right eye

then I realized that by “A man stopped me on the street,” I really meant “nobody stopped me anywhere ever” and by “asked me about that the other day,” I meant “didn’t talk to me on any day.”

If you want to experience double vision, walk around with your eyes crossed all day.

One more thing – Like I said, my vision seems to be getting better, but I’ve had to employ lots of tricks, if you are experiencing “diplopia” I’d be glad to share my tricks with you – leave a comment. Speaking of comment, what do you think of ‘who’d’nt’? Do you know where Rocky is?

Hobbit movie = sad Jarrett

I had the dubious pleasure of watching The Hobbit last weekend and had to share my ennui. You see, the book itself is one of the most imaginative tales ever told – making it into a movie should’ve been a no brainer. Don’t be afeard, I’m still gonna post about brain stuff tomorrow, this just had to be said. Sociologizing everything like I do, I found the coexistence of so many different peoples and the unique customs of each group to be captivating enough for me to really enjoy the book. I didn’t have to read about 13 dwarves, a wizard and a Hobbit slaying LEGIONS of goblins with hardly a scratch.I got all the action I could’ve asked for when they FOUGHT A DRAGON. Also, there was lots of action during the

battle of the five armies, I can only imagine the orgy of CG and outlandishness PJ has planned for that.

Will I watch the second one? Yes, but I certainly won’t be in a hurry. My main reason for watching it will be to see how badly PJ butchers it, notably the spoiler mentioned above.

I should mention that I’ve read the book several times, read the entire LOTR series and worship the books and the movies. Have read the Silmarilion and Children of Hurin a few times each – two of my favorite reads of all time. I feel qualified to assert that Tolkien’s stories don’t need gratuitous action to be awesome.

Scary Stuff

It’s nearly the fourth anniversary to the day of when I went to the ER and a CT scan found a cavern in my mind. The very odd thing is that this past Friday – the very DAY I went to the ER (for the record: Day- Friday, date- May 22nd, year- that foul year of our Lord, 2009), I started experiencing double vision – not an initial bleed symptom for me, but has been for many (EXAMPLE). It was only a few weeks after the bleed and for a month or so onward that I saw two of everything.

All the more perplexing is the fact that I feel no other symptoms. I have an electrical feeling in my head every once in awhile – seems to me that if it were a bleed, it’d be non-stop pain that only gets worse.

I want to think it’s nothing, but what else could it be?

Expecting the worst, I’ve tried to spend as much time as I can with my daughter. I lost enough time with her the first…uhh, time. I got her the Skylanders: Giants starter pack for the Wii. We played that for most of the day yesterday – should’ve been playing it on Saturday, but the neurosurgeon on call at UTSW suggested I rest for the…uhh, rest of the day. I just can’t bear the thought of missing anymore time with her (that’s right, she’s a girl that LOVES Skylanders).

It turns out that my double vision might be the result of medication changes. Even if that’s the case, I’m taking this as a kick in the rear to love on my kid every chance I get, and to lighten up on myself. The silly stuff I write about with Taskmaster Jarrett can be funny, but it’s exhausting being so concerned about every single second. With that I offer this –

TBI is…Take a Breather before getting Inundated – Eventually, being productive became less about the quality of work I was producing and more about if I had started the task efficiently or if I had gotten enough done (quantity). It was only recently that I realized that I was more concerned about the number of things getting done and how fast, rather than taking a minute to make sure that I was happy with what I was doing.

That’s all for this week, I’ll make more jokes next week, promise.



Unprovoked vomit and the Suffocation Dangers of Too Much Recollecting

Tis time to get back to memory lane in our frozen milk conveyance. Recall my last recollection. Recall x2, I’d call that total recall, but the kind with Arnold Schwarzenegger, WATCH

Assuming that you still have eyes and can read good, let’s go back to April 23, I told you about my PT regimen and the terrible injustice of being assigned to TRILS rather than ILS. The next entry is what this blog is all about. I think the title of the entry says it all –

Surgery (August 25, 2009)

As I mentioned in my last post, I have brain surgery on Sept. 3rd.

I am taking the week leading up to the date off from rehab.

I am scared, very scared. Yesterday in the education group, we discussed the parts of the brain. For me, that was a reminder of the vital functions the brain stem performs.

On the plus side, I get a haircut…more like THE haircut, as there won’t be any hair left. I would say it’s free, but it’s anything but.

The evil Internet informs me of the immense pain after surgery, the deficits afterward and the grammar problems I will have when it’s over (or so it appears, people on the Internet have lousy grammar…they say it’s only the Internet, but where else do people publish writing for such a wide audience?).

The idea of having this surgery inspires a great sense of loneliness. I know many of you would do whatever you could to see to my recovery, but I have to face this obstacle alone. When I go under I will be in the hands of the surgeons (I hope they sleep well and have a nice breakfast!). This should not suggest I don’t appreciate all the help I have received. I owe it to many of you for making it as far as I have.

Thank you.

Even though it’s been four years, I still feel a bit of disbelief when I think about or mention that I’ve had brain surgery. I think I still have the same disbelief now that I had then.

I need to correct a few things on this entry. First of all, head shaving is not required for my flavor of surgery. I was a bit disappointed at this. I’d always wanted to see what I’d look like completely bald (I did this a year or so later, behold).


Secondly, I’m not sure where I read about all the pain, but I didn’t have that problem at all. I’ve mentioned this before, but I found that vomiting was a pretty big issue. I’m not talking about “OH MY GOD, I’M GONNA THROW UP! GET ME A GARBAGE CAN!” It would go something like this –

While eating lunch, reminiscing with my grandmother about catching lightning bugs while staying at her house in the summer. She starts to recall a particular instance, “Do you remember that boy from down the street? You hated playing with him, but one time he came and brought you a jar with five or six lightning bugs to show you what he could do so that he could play with you…” *BWUUUHHH* without cause or warning I’d upchuck all over my food and interrupt my dear grandmother’s story (I ralphed all over a dish of chocolate chip cookies, still trying to get over that one).

I’m getting ahead of myself, at this point in the reminisceses 😛 I’ve only scheduled surgery – I haven’t horked on a dish of cookies while exchanging pleasantries with my dear grandmother.

Getting back to the entry itself – I mention that “I have to face this obstacle alone.” That was my Academy Award entry. While it’s true that I had to go it alone, I feel that the love and support of so many carried me through that day and up to now. It’s kind of like Life Alert – I went through it alone, without ever being alone (view the ad HERE)



Ink and Shake Aware OJ

I’ve already written too much for one blog, so I’ll make it into two (a bi-log)

A very special TBI is…

Tattoos on my Body about my Injourney. – I got another tattoo on Saturday, bringing the total to five. Three of these puppies have been inspired by my “injourney”. I’ll start with the two that I’ve already posted –

This here is Xipe Totec, Aztec god of sporks, Cajun food (I don’t know) and SATA cables (that’s right, the Aztecs had computers, and they preferred AMD). That’s all fine and dandy, he appears on my back because he is also associated with life, death, and rebirth. I consider my experience with brain surgery that kind of cycle – life = uhh, being alive; hemorrhage = death; surgery = rebirth.

 2012-06-05 15.59.05

This next ink is Hebrew for “holy sh*t, please stop. I’ve changed my mind.” Actually, it says “If you will it, it is no dream.” These words are credited to Theodor Herzl, an instrumental figure in the establishment of the state of Israel. I’m familiar with it because of Walter Sobchak – John Goodman’s  character in The Big Lebowski – the greatest film ever made (view it here). I chose this because I love the movie (obviously), and I got to a point in my recovery where I thought this is it, the Jarrett that is now is the Jarrett that will always be. In a way, that’s like giving up; I needed a permanent, extremely painful (seriously, tattoo on ribs = same class of ouch as shots in the foot(!). I thought about getting surgery to become an android, but the doctors tell me they can’t do that yet (amateurs!). The only other option was to get a tattoo.

 2012-12-12 16.50.31

The newest addition is Huitzilopochtli – Aztec god of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, air mattresses and staplers. He is also the god of journeys, I couldn’t find anything for god of injourneys (damn you, Wikipedia! Why have you forsaken me?).


Being the politically correct liberal that I am, let me go ahead and say that my descriptions of the gods were not meant in any way to disparage or insult the Mesoamerican culture.

I don’t want my other tattoos to feel left out. This will give rise to yet another TBI is…

Tattoos not Bearing upon my Injourney –

I’ll start with my very first tattoo – a dragon on my ankle.


It represents my fiery hot zest for life. That’s a lie. It represents “I’m 18, have graduation cash to burn and happen to be in Dallas”. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I don’t think it’s ugly, but I hate the fact that it has no real meaning and it occupies an easily concealable tattoo spot.

This next tattoo – the likeness of Philip J. Fry from Futurama displays my more playful side –

just Fry

I know the image is a popular MEME, and it has been mistaken as a MEME, Futurama and I go back a ways, so it’s oh so much more than an overused picture and a clever saying. To prove it to you, I can tell you that the line was uttered (“that dog won’t hunt, monsignor”) by Fry after learning that he doesn’t get the military discount on his ham flavored gum (which turned out to be all bones) in “War is the H-Word” – eighth episode of the second season (not too sure on the season, but the rest is accurate).

And now, page 2 –

A few months ago, I started a serial (mmm…serial) called “”Timesavers””; one set of quotations is to denote that it’s a title, the other set is to show that, though they are conceived in my mind as saving time, they really make me seem crazier and prodigiously nit-picky. I had a “time-saving” episode on Saturday morning so desperately nit-picky that I just had to share it. I tried to make it a TBI is…, but Torange Buice Iroutine is a bit confusing.

Listen, I have a glass of orange juice every morning. On Saturday morning I was running late for…being early to…play video games and it occurred to me that I had to shake the orange juice to awaken the flavor and activate the vitamins and whatnot. Taskmaster Jarrett piped up, “we’re missing precious game time, you don’t need to shake it this time.” The other parts of me rose up in disagreement, “The shaking must be observed!”

While this battle raged in my head I walked to the cabinet to get a glass. Upon procuring said glass, Taskmaster Jarrett calmly offered a compromise, “I know, you can shake the glass on the way to the fridge.”

More ludicrous than the thought of shaking an empty glass was the fact that, before really thinking about it, I did it for a second or two. Not sure what I thought would happen – perhaps the shaken glass will reverberate when the juice is poured into it; or perhaps the juice, once it enters the glass it will sense the previous shake and say, “Darn, now I have to taste good and be nutritious! I was sure that, due to the lack of shaking, the lack of vitamin C would give him scurvy.”



My Words Shall Now Be Pressed!

After much deliberation, I’ve decided to move my blog to WordPress. You see, dear readers, blogger/blogspot just wasn’t pressing my words enough; ergo, I migrated to WordPress.

There is much to speak about. However, you won’t hear me if I speak, so I’ll write instead.

First of all, my bloody (isn’t ‘bloody’ the equivalent of the f bomb in the UK?) hot water heater (aside: why do we call it a ‘hot water heater’? Doesn’t that name suggest that the water is hot before it goes in?)

ITEM! Being new to WordPress, I haven’t figured out how to save an entry rather than publish it. Ergo, the above pressed words became available on Sunday, May 5th – as usual, I’ll tweet this entry on Tuesday, but early birds got a sneak peek (speek?).

Back to my bloody hot water heater – it decided to share hot water with all the carpeting in my daughter’s room and half of the carpeting in my room. Aside from the obvious inconvenience of everything being wet, Taskmaster Jarrett wouldn’t shutup about how “egregious” this “unsanctioned activity” was. Listen, I can’t get less than seven hours of sleep – I might as well not sleep at all. The reason sleep was so important this night was because I was signed up for the OWFI writer’s conference in Norman for the weekend. OWFI stands for “Omniscient Wombats Fly Imaginatively”. It seems redundant to say that an omniscient being would do something imaginatively.

I jest. It actually stands for “Owners of Wotten Fwoot Institutions” – it was started by a group of four year olds, hence the pronunciation.

Ok ok. The true meaning is “Oxymoronic…” sorry, “Oklahoma Writers Federation Inc.” For our purposes, it’s an organization that puts on a convention for all things writing. I met with a publisher and he liked my stuff. I really hope something comes off that meeting. I also met a few other aspiring writers – Lolly Anderson (link) and the very eloquent A.J. Adwen (link). I also attended a workshop with August McLaughlin (link).

Anyway, the trip turned out to be pretty awesome.

Now for some serial (mmm…serial).

TBI is…Terrain Bearings are Invaluable. I tweeted this one yesterday, but I’d like to give a more detailed explanation. Here is the original description – Walking after TBI is risky enough. Knowledge of terrain, ie potholes, rocks, etc, is advisable. A few weekends ago, I went to “Germanfest” with some dear friends. I put Germanfest in quotes because about the only thing German about it was the name. There were the token German sausages, but the beer selection was quite paltry. The only German beer on tap at “Germanfest” was from Spaten. I was hoping to get my hands on a dark, dark lager that I’d have to chew on to get down – not Germany’s equivalent of Budweiser. Perhaps there was more on offer, This Brings us to the Initial (another TBI, how clever of me) explanation. You see, I was reluctant to trek all about the “Germanfest” (I’m getting tired of calling it that, it’s a sham, a contrived excuse to drink alcohol during the day. That’s it! I’ll rename it SCEDADfest). Anyway, I didn’t think it was a good idea to explore SCEDADfest with its uneven, rocky terrain and drunk people passed out here and there. My point here is that it’s always a good idea to not get a TBI. However, if you get/have one and you have balance and fatigue issues, plan ahead (cane, folding chair, magic wand with a levitating spell, etc.).



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