Four score and seven years ago (or thereabouts), _ put a hold on a book in the Library.
Now it is my esteemed pleasure to inform you that that book, so conceived and so dedicated, is ready to be checked out. We are met on a great landscape called the Internet. We have come to the portion of this message where I tell you that s/he has until DATE to pick up this volume. It is altogether fitting and proper that I should do this.
Thus I sat engaged in typing an e-mail for expressing
To the teacher, whose fiery eyes now burned into the monitor;
This and more I sat divining, hoping _ would come seeking
A book held for him/her at the library of Piner,
But, unless he/she picks up the book by DATE will be passed o’er
He/She shall have a chance to check it out, ah, nevermore! (Or until it’s checked in, whichever comes first)
Believe it or not, having a brain injury is not all fun and games. Let me take a moment to give you the rest of the story –
I’ve addressed this first point comically, I called it CRAM (Cognitive Random Access Memory – find that post here). The truth is, it’s exhausting. There are four personalities in my head:
1. “Therapist Jarrett” (The-Jar) – this guy is always telling me that there is certainly a more therapeutic method of accomplishing whatever it is that I have been be doing. You see, I’ve worked with A LOT of therapists; off the top of my head, I recall eight physical therapists, four occupational therapists, five speech therapists and three personal trainers. Every single one of those therapists left an imprint in my psyche (“Nose over toes” (occupational), “Slow and steady wins the race” (physical), “Sing along with your daughter” (speech) ).
EVERY time I stand up, “Nose over toes” rings through my head. EVERY time I engage in an activity, I have to remind myself “slow and steady wins the race.” EVERY time I’m in the car with my daughter, The-Jar gets after me to sing along.
The-Jar is a left hand Nazi. He’s constantly ridiculing me (“you could’ve used your left hand for that…”).
My left hand is painfully slow and pretty darn clumsy; tasks performed by that arm/ hand take a while, which upsets…
…2.” Taskmaster Jarrett” (Ta-Ja), this personality cannot be pleased; I can ALWAYS wake up earlier, make more preparations or find more efficient shortcuts. The-Jar always says, “Slow and steady wins the race!” Ta-Ja replies, “What in hell are you blabbering about? You just wasted 4.6 seconds thinking of such rubbish!”
These two personalities dominate my actions. Every movement has a purpose, be it for therapy or economy. When you see me doing something, Ta-Ja and The-Jar have carefully planned it out. Can it be done therapeutically? Can it be done any faster? Can I do something else at the same time? Adding to the commentary, but unable to take action is…
…3. “The Jarrett that was” (TJTW) likes to jump in to analyze how things should be or what I would be doing. This personality is the “Debbie Downer” of the bunch. He is all the more frustrated that he can’t make me do. TJTW has two modes of thinking – 1. “If this had never happened…” This is where he makes me contemplate how everything might be different (still married, another kid, still teaching/coaching, etc.). 2. “What I would be doing…” This thought pattern is more immediate. For instance, when I drive by the tennis courts at the school where I coached, TJTW makes me think I’d be coaching and playing right now if this had never happened.
The three of these personalities make it difficult for…
…4. “The Jarrett that is” (TJTI) to figure out what he wants. If anything, TJTI simply wants the other three to calm down. In essence, TJTI only exists to moderate the tyrannical urges of the other three.
I will go into more detail concerning the many Jarretts inside the Jarrett in the next few entries in a series that I will call “Morning Fun Time with Four Jarretts.”
Moving on, all four Jarretts have to deal with a body that continues to show signs of brain injury; most notably tremors. This is something that I, I, I and I have come to accept as “normal.” That said, it may look painful or annoying – but it’s just another part of TJTI. However, I do wonder what others think when they see me shaking. I am starting to believe that when people say that I don’t sound as bad as I think they are being honest, as opposed to being polite and sparing my feelings. Maybe it’s the same way with the shaking, but I still wonder.
At this time, I would like to introduce a new segment from Cavernofmymind industries – a segment that I will call ““Timesavers””. There are two sets of quotation marks -one to introduce this new segment, and the other to suggest that anything listed in this category is really not saving any time at all. As I have said previously, Ta-Ja is big on saving time. Sometimes he convinces me to do something pretty ridiculous to save 3 seconds. The question becomes what is more ridiculous? The task itself, or the fact that I sometimes actually do it. Here we go:
“Timesaver #1” “A Shirt Bag Built for Poo”
I recently ordered some clothes from Old Navy. I decided that I wanted to wear one of those shirts that was still in the plastic packaging. Ta-Ja saw the bag and suggested that I could put the bag in my back pocket to use as a baggy to pick up my dog’s droppings when I took her for a walk later that morning. Ta-Ja convinced me to take this action by explaining that I would save time not having to go out of my way to throw the bag away. I would also be a ready to go once we hit the door. This sounds ridiculous, right? Did I do it? Oh yeah! Probably saved me 6 seconds! Cha-ching! I do this sort of thing all the time. I plan to make this a regular part of this blog.
Until then… Ciao!
wE hAvE _’s BoOk, SeNd HeR bY _, oR THe bOok wILL bE SlEepINg wITh ThE FiSHeS, SeE (iF BOOkS sLepT).
adhas;lhcsaklhvclskjhclk;sahnc HOLD FOR (STUDENT NAME) hakjhvkjads vjkashvkja dhv jkdahvk jdahv ad PICK UP BY (DATE) jkhl kdsh fkje ahvkjasdhf ea.
P.S. kjdjdk vaslkjv sd;lkjvds vlsdkjvkl;zdj klvkdj; glkje
This one is not quite as dense as the last one, and it’s a bit more festive being so close to Christmas –
Twas the night before today, when all through the school
Not a creature was stirring, because it was night-time you fool!
The books were all shelved in the library with care,
In hopes that patrons soon would be there.
The reserved books were nestled all snug on their shelf,
books about the military, wimpy kids and even an elf
The next day, before the patron forgot,
she stopped by the library and put her book in the slot.
The book was scanned and, lo and behold,
_ had come in earlier to put that very book on hold!
To get this book, she has until _, three days from today,
if she has fines be sure she has money to pay.
1: Whan this message with its words soote
2: The and three days hath perced to the roote,
3: And bathed every veyne in swich licour
4: Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
5: Whan _ eek with their sweete breeth
6: Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
7: Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
8: rises on _, the hold’s cours is yronne,
9: And smale foweles maken melodye,
As library assistant, part of my job is to email reading teachers when a student has a book ready to be checked out. I started off writing simple “so-and-so has a book ready in the library he/she needs to pick it up by such and such date.” I quickly grew bored with this arrangement and started to write long-winded and convoluted messages, often based on famous writings from a multitude of genres. I really enjoyed writing them, I would like for you to enjoy reading them. That said, I present to you “SiLiMes” (Silly Library Messages). I have omitted the names of students, teachers and the dates, this information has been her place with a _.
This first one is called “A Reading from HOLDmer”
Sing to me of the student, Ms. _, the student named _ that will come to the hallowed library of Piner Middle School to pick up a volume held in his name. Be sure he descends upon the room full of books on or before _ or Hermes will fly on his winged feet and take the book to the next name on the list!
just for fun, I am going to dictate and not make any corrections to see what comes out. So here goes, I’m going to read out of the Fellowship of the Ring by Tolkien —
I’m now certified with the Brain Ouchie Observation Broadcast System. Here is how: According to math and the calendar, it’s been 1193 days since my surgery. This is a very auspicious number for us headcases. For you see, 11-9+3=5 and 1+1+9+3=14, where 1+4=5. What’s more, 11+93=104; 10+4=14 and ¡OJO! 4+1=5. What’s the significance of 5? Turns out, five is the number of letters in BOOBS – the certification mentioned above.
My first BOO concerns the issue of life’s pace. Throughout my time in rehab, my therapists would say, “slow and steady wins the race.” Apparently, my therapists weren’t thinking about the fervor with which some grocery store patrons will go after an open checkout lane. Slow and steady don’t win that race. There is consolation in the fact that, because I end up having to wait behind one of these people, I had time enough to stare at the candy at the checkout long enough to determine that I would very much like the scrumptious marriage of toffee and chocolate that is the Skor candy bar.
I’m sure I’ll be deBOOBed for this, but I have no other observations. Having lived this way for 3+ years, I’ve learned how to adapt. To keep up with the fast pace, I plan WAY ahead and eat lots of Skor bars. I could certainly complain more, but it could be worse.