Blog of future past

Happy September 10th everyone! I was going to make a joke about this seemingly prosaic day being somehow significant, but it turns out that the US defeated the British Navy at the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812 on this day in 1813 (thanks, Wikipedia!). Since winning is more gooder than losing, I certify September 10 as a day worthy of remembrance. Perhaps, like me, you’re thinking such a certification from the likes of me has little merit. You are free to forget this very important event – it’s a free country. If I recall correctly, the Battle of Lake Erie was fought because the United Statesians wanted to remember the Alamo, which wouldn’t occur for 24 years in a state that didn’t exist in the legal sense. The British thought it was silly to remember a battle that hadn’t occurred yet in a yet to be annexed state, so they did the logical thing and tried to capture a great lake. Why Lake Erie? The British, being practical blokes, decided to use the alphabet. It turns out that the letter ‘E’ comes before the letters ‘H’, ‘M’, ‘O’ and ‘S’. Naturally, Lake Erie was the obvious choice. Had the British won, they would have taken away our right to remember things that hadn’t happened in states yet to be established. So remember (if you like), if someone tells you not to remember something, challenge this bloke to fisticuffs, seek the nearest lake that comes first alphabetically, and throw down.

ITEM! Time makes fools of us all and I’m no exception. It is no longer September 10th, it is some later date, but I dare not record it here for fear that I will be late in publishing this entry. Rest assured that it’s not September 10th.

Now, let’s go to Jarrett for other news.

Thanks, Jarrett.

September 3rd marked the third anniversary of a local resident’s brain surgery. When asked about this milestone, the resident – named Jarrett, had this to say, “The time has gone by so quickly, yet so much has happened.” I asked him to comment on how he’s coping with his new life; his response – “I like to solve problems. This condition makes it more difficult to do just about everything. I try to find solutions that will help me complete these tasks with greater efficacy. In essence, I get to solve problems all day, I like that.”

Back to you, Jarrett.

Thanks, Jarrett. What’s an eff-ik-ussy?

I wondered that myself, Jarrett. I didn’t have the chance to ask, but I suspect it’s a brand name of duct tape; duct tape makes everything easier!

That it does, Jarrett. In sports news, two teams competed in a game of some sort and one of those teams won, while the other lost – the margin of victory was 11 goal units…

I’ve started an autobiography and will mention some parts here as a sounding board. The premise is not simply “I am born, I grew up.” I tried that and got bored to sleep (which was fine, I enjoy sleeping). I decided that, given the statement above about my difficulty with everyday tasks, the book would center around how annoying things are. Don’t get it? HOW ANNOYING! I’ll add ‘explaining things’ to my list. It still includes details about my life, they are anecdotally mentioned in relation to the annoyance they are associated with. I’ll just jump right in –

Annoyance, the first: plastic wrap. The inspiration for the topic of my book was born out of taking the plastic wrap off a Hot Pocket (sausage marinara, of course!).Before the brain injury (hereafter referred to as BBI), plastic wrap was just a minor obstacle between me and my food, but now it’s like trying to break into a bank vault.  Aside from the barrier that I can’t chew through, there’s a very specific combination of unwrapping that must be observed or, like with a bank vault, you’ll have to start over again; there have been a few occasions when I’ve considered eating the shrink wrap on a sandwich. Opening the bag inside a cereal box practically requires the jaws of life. When I eat the last of a box of cereal, a small part of me dies inside; not only have I consumed the last of my box of Special K Red Berries, but I’ll need to break out my chainsaw to open a new box.

Like many items and/or actions on this list, this annoyance stems from my lack of fine motor skills. Being “all thumbs” is not so bad when doing things like clumsily scratching your dog’s head with your left hand, but that lack of manual dexterity is nothing but cruel when you’re hungry and your PBJ is wrapped in a layer of plastic armor.

As I understand it, the pons on the brainstem (the location of my hemorrhage/surgery), is the “bridge” (pons = Latin for bridge; thanks again, Wikipedia!) between the cerebral cortex and the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for fine tuning the movements that the frontal lobe has decided to make. Think of it this way – you tell a friend to tell another friend to meet you at your house at 7:15 with 12 Buds. The doorbell rings at 5:17, you open the door to find your friend standing there with 21 potatoes (“spuds”). He got the message, but the info was a little mixed up. In the case of plastic wrap, my frontal lobe tries tells my cerebellum to help with the finer movements. The pons, responsible for delivering that message, mistakes the words “finer” with “shaky” and “help” with “cause to be more clumsy.” Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

This entry has taken far too long, I will publish more annoyances later.

Until then, ciao!

@JarrettLWilson