The Sh*t List, Fart #1

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I make a lot of jokes. People say I inspire them because I am still jovial despite my situation. Being funny is nice, inspiring people is also nice. Truthfully, living with a brain injury is not nice. This blog will be my pity party and shit list all rolled into one. I was really going to try not to make light, but the way I like to combine words has inexorably led me to tell you that this entry could also be called the “shit party”.
We’ll get this party started shortly – there will be shit everywhere, I promise. Before we commence, I must tell you that I will NOT pull punches. If you think that I’m talking about you – get over it, and while you’re at it get over yourself. Also, I’ve decided that I can’t stifle my need to make jokes. I’m not very good at being angry, but I’m pretty good at making with the funny, so I’ll use that to bolster my angst. Here goes:
1.I hate how I CONSTANTLY think about trying to walk normally or that I should be using my left hand. I could be thinking about something fun to do with my daughter or how to increase the life of a lightbulb, but I devote most of my immediate thought to making my left hamstring work so my left leg won’t snap forward – it doesn’t work, I’ve been like this for three years now. The only thing that has really changed is my thinking that if I focus on it it’ll improve. More on this later, I’m going to use the topic at hand to segue into…
2. I HATE HATE HATE it when people tell me to be patient. Here’s the difference between patience for someone like me vs. everyone else. Everyone else orders something from Amazon, it comes in three days later and they complain about how it took forever. Someone like me put that same order in three years ago and we’re still waiting. While we’re on the subject of the stupid things people do/say…
3. I can’t stand it when people say “everything happens for a reason” or “it’s all part of God’s plan”. I’ve heard people say this when they lose their job or something like that – which sucks, I won’t dispute that. But try losing – your ability to do what you love, your wife, all thoughts of life as you once envisioned it, articulate physical movement, and the voice you once had. Why did this happen? As near as I can figure it happened so these people could stroke themselves by offering platitudes to someone while saying “I’m glad I’m not that guy.”
The shit list is certainly longer, but I need to clean my apartment. That’ll be #4 – I hate how it takes so long to do everything.



  1. Do you want me to come over there and punch those people? You know I will. It probably won't do any good. It will probably do bad, in fact.I'm just saying, I'm picking up what you're putting down. I also hate: Just give it time. Time? And then what? Unless they mean "reverse time," there is no giving that will get back what is lost. Other people have no tolerance for chronic conditions. I think it makes them feel helpless, which they are. The best thing they can do, at least for me, is make me laugh. And you do just that!

  2. "I think it makes them feel helpless, which they are. The best thing they can do, at least for me, is make me laugh." I think that's a very astute observation. People will say and do silly things when they feel helpless in an attempt to feel useful. It's nice that they are trying, but some people just need to realize that the most helpful thing you can do is leave you alone.

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